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So much going on, feeling overwhelmed

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 11/18/2008 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
There's so much going on, alot of changes, a good opportunity and some bad, bad health issues with my father in law.  I'm just feeling overwhelmed and afraid that I'll start to slide backwards again.  First, my therapist and I had our last appointment about a month ago.  I knew it was coming and agreed that it was time, we'd been together for 3 years and had covered everything and I feel like I can take it from here...until my life started to spin around me.  I guess I feel a little lost, like I've lost my anchor and am drifting aimlessly.  I know I'll get used to the fact that she's not here anymore, and it's not like I can't call her if I need too, it's just that I don't have that stability of an appt. every two to three weeks.

Then I've been offered a chance to go back to school to get my certificate to do medical coding/billing, which I can do from home.  I'm excited on one hand and terrified on the other.  I haven't been in school in over twenty years and of course all I can think of is my lack of abilities, lack of study skills...all the what if's...what if I don't do well in school, what if I don't pass the certification test, what if I can't find a job, what if I royally screw up and get fired, what if I just can't handle it...oy! 

The worst of it is that my father in law, who, since my father died 15 years ago, has been my "Dad", is having major health problems.  He has been to about a dozen appts. and will have another on Wednesday morning.  The doctors have found a growth in his pancreas and on Wed they will be doing a test to determine how much damage this growth has caused and as the doctor said...how much it has spread...now the words have not been said, but it sounds a lot like pancreatic cancer to me.  My sister died of pancreatic cancer in May, so I do know alot about it.  I'm just scared and sad that this is happening.  Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst to have, it basically isn't curable, no matter how early it is found and the prognosis is about 6 months max.  It's just so scary.

I guess I just need some encouragement, some kind words, a hug...anything to help me through this craziness right now.  Thanks.

Posted 11/18/2008 2:41 AM (GMT 0)

you are never alone in your suffering. you are going thru a rough patch right now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. i am so sorry things arent great right now- so i send you hugs, peace and blessings- i hope you find some comfort and soon!

much caring love, Maz XX

Posted 11/18/2008 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry things are crazy for your right now. . . At least you have a place to come to vent to your many "therapy friends." I'll be sending my prayers to you and your family, June Bug :) The best of luck!!!
Posted 11/18/2008 11:58 PM (GMT 0)

Junebug,

Hello there my friend.  I am standing right beside you.....my Father had pancreatic cancer.  I know this one well. You have every right to be upset and let yourself feel.  You do not have to choke down these fears as they are real.

I went to college when I had 4 children at home..............I was insecure and scared.  Then I realized I was sort of smart and I enjoyed the classes. So try not to get on the merry-go-round of doubting yourself.  You will be surprised that  your classmates are a little family of their own and other students help you.

You have my caring and prayers..........my reassurance that you will be ok.

Take care and be good to yourself.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 11/19/2008 5:08 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement.  My husband and I spent the evening with the in-laws, to keep all of our minds occupied and not dwell on his appt. tomorrow.  My husband is driving them down, so I will get any news as soon as he does, which will help because the waiting is so awful. 

As far as school, I've had all of my questions answered by a very kind person who runs the medical coding/billing department at the school and have decided to take the leap.  My daughter and her friend are both taking the class as well, and have both offered to help me to relearn how to learn...too cute.  I know that I need something to fill the hours I'm home alone, so going through this program and eventually getting a job will be good for me, anxiety wise and for my self esteem.

Again, thank you all.  It means so much to me that I have this site and all of you amazing people to turn too when I'm feeling out of sorts.  I am truly blessed.

 

Posted 11/19/2008 1:09 PM (GMT 0)
sorry your going threw so much, hopefully they caught it in time to help him live many more years, i there for you too, going back to school your never to old, i think it would be a great job, i wish i could find something at home i lack self confidence. but my best wishes for you both , well be your strength when you need us. hugs to you
Posted 11/19/2008 2:50 PM (GMT 0)

Junebug,

I am thinking of you and your family and praying for a good outcome.  I am also sending you lots of strength and hugs to help you through.

I am so excited you are going to school.  How long is the course?

Your friend

Kitt

Posted 11/19/2008 10:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Junebug-

im so sorry you have to deal with cancer on any level- its so hard watching a loved one suffer. i used to nurse in oncology and yes, pancreatic cancer is particularly dangerous, but i saw many patients fight it with chemo and radiation and beat that sucker!

ive also buried 4 family members due to cancer- so i see it from a personal level, and then from my nursing days, i see it in a clinical way.

i am sending prayers of strength and healing. no one should have to deal with cancer.

Maz XX

 

Posted 11/20/2008 1:23 AM (GMT 0)
...Junebug

All my luvs thoughts and prayers are with you ......
And of cousrse with you Dad in ( law)

Keep us posted plz

Luvs

LYN
Posted 11/20/2008 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
My father in law had his testing yesterday, and then my husband came and picked me up and we spent the day with him and my mother in law.  The doctor who did the procedure sounded very positive about what he saw, but of course we have to wait for the biopsy results which may be ready Friday, if not we all have to wait until Monday.  The waiting is so hard.  FIL, was in great spirits yesterday and we took them out to eat and then did a little shopping before he wanted to go home and rest.  The doctor he saw is a specialist in the pancreas and has done this procedure over 2,000 times, so I'm pretty confident in his oppinion after seeing the growth, and he said he feels positive about it, so that is what we are holding onto until the test results are ready.  So we'll just be hanging in here and praying until we know for sure!

As far as school, the program is about 5 months long, mostly online, through a local community college.  Right now I am having to learn medical terminology and how to break down medical terms.  It's alot to remember, and sometimes I get a little frustrated, but my daughter has been making me flash cards and the book has alot of worksheets to help really drill this in.  I also have a cd for the computer that has exercises and games to help.  I'm still wishy-washy about being able to handle all of this memorization, but I'm forging ahead anyway.   The class doesn't start until January, but I have to have finished the medical terminology book by then as the class covers the actual coding process of the terms I'm learning now.  Keeps me busy, that's for sure.

Thank you all for being here and supporting me through all of this, I always feel so much better after I come here and read the posts.  I'll post when we hear the final results on my Father in law.

Posted 11/30/2008 4:04 AM (GMT 0)
Well, the results are back.  My father in law has cancer.   To say we are all stunned would be an understatement, especially after the specialist had been so positive that it was not cancer.  They have not diagnosed it exactly, where it is or what type of cancer, yet, other than that he definitely has it in a lymph node near his pancreas.  He saw an oncologist on Friday and chemo and radiation will be a definite.  He will have a p.e.t. scan (I believe that's what it is) on Monday to determine if it has spread from this lymph node to any others or to other organs.  If it has, he will also have to have his bone marrow tested, not sure if that will be on Mon. or a later date.  So that's where we stand right now, again waiting for more tests and results.  Hopefully, we will have a course of action soon.

None of us are dealing with this well, but I'm planning on throwing myself into doing whatever I can to make life easier for my in-laws during this time, cook, clean, shop for them...whatever they need.  And of course, school work.  I registered for the class in coding on Wed. afternoon, was so excited about it...until we got the call.  It will be good for me to keep busy though.

All prayers are definitely welcomed for my father in law.  I love him so much and just cannot imagine anything happening to him!

Posted 11/30/2008 10:46 AM (GMT 0)

Junebug, how are you? keep us posted.

peace, love and blessings,

Maz XX

Posted 11/30/2008 9:47 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Junebug,

I am so sorry, and my prayers are with your family.

A little hint for you if you don't mind.  The wheels of medicine run slowly and my sister arrived at the U of MN as they wanted her here by 3 PM on August 13.  I was frantic trying to do the logistics...........As she had to fly in and the 11:00 AM had already left North Dakota but we did her on the 4PM flight with her daughter and make the arrangements to pick her up at the airport I thought we had done well.

I was scared to death when I saw her, she does not remember the flight or how she got to th hospital.....she had so much pain.

We thought she would be rushed to surgery.............nope, she went to ICU and by 10:00 PM they had her on life support.

She has gone through every medicine team they have, chemo, infections etc and we may now get her to surgery the first part of January.

So be sure to take care of you.  I worked myself up into a frenzy at first wanting to know why so many tests and procedures, but I have learned patience. I know now why and she has improved so much on the chemo so remember to just be there, hold a hand, say a prayer and food for the family is important as they will be drained of ther energy and emotions.

Wow, I talk a lot. smhair Any questions, please do ask me.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted Today 4:43 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much kitt, I truly need the encouragement and support right now.  You are definitely right about being patient!  My father in law had his p.e.t scan this morning and now we wait again, for another 2-3 days for the results and then they will decide a course of treatment.  It's been a long two months of what seems like waiting for one test result or another.  My father in law is in great spirits, even offered to take me shopping tomorrow as I'm looking for a floor jack for my husband for Christmas and have no idea what to even look for, so we are going out together to find what I need.  So sweet of him to offer. 

I am glad to hear that your sister is doing better and hope that she will continue to improve.  And I hope that you are finding the time to take care of yourself, I understand that it's not always easy as the person who is ill needs so much support, but please try to find time for you too.

Thank you again.  I'll update again when the newest results are in.

 

Posted 12/10/2008 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry, that I haven't been around here much lately.  My father in law was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma type b last week and we are all trying to accept this fact and move forward.  He got his port placed on Mon. and had the last of his tests on his heart to make sure that it's strong enough to handle treatment as well.  His first chemo will be next Tuesday.  I went out and made him and my mother in law a "chemo kit" with puzzle books, magazines, books, snacks, etc. to fill the 5-8 hours they will have to go through for his chemo treatments.  My hubby and I also bought them a nintendo ds and some games so they will have some things to keep them busy.  I feel so helpless that this is the least that I felt I could do.  We only live about 5 minutes away, so we will be able to get there and help whenever they need it.

My in-laws are trying to remain positive, but my husband and I are both really struggling with this.  I feel so down and sad all the time, which I'm sure is normal at this point.  Thankfully the anxiety has been minimal, and I'm keeping on top of it so far.  I'm just worried that my anxieties and sadness will get worse when he actually starts chemo and we see the changes in how he feels, looks, etc.  I'm so worried about him and how this will affect him and my mother in law as well. 

I'd appreciate any suggestions on how we can help my inlaws get through this, and on how I can remain calm and not let my anxiety go through the roof.  I need to be there for my inlaws and don't want to dissapoint them by letting my anxiety dictate what I can and can't do.  Thanks to all of you for listening.

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