I hope someone can help........

I usually post in the Fibro board, but not this time.  Three weeks ago I could not get a hold of my older brother (age 62).  He lived alone. I usually called him every other day, but I got busy and 3 days went by. I called his son and he and I went over there.  We found that he had passed away and was on the floor.  The medical examiner said he had been deceased for almost 72 hours.  He was my BEST friend and I have been devastated.  He would never go to a dr, had not been to one in 30 years.  He was very fearful of them.  He died of a GI bleed, but we did not have an autopsy. We had a beautful funeral for him, and I cry for him every day.  Losing him was harder than losing my parents.  They had been ill for a long time and I grieved for them before they died.  A sudden death is such a SHOCK!!! 

My anxiety is thru the roof.  I had to call my dr for sleeping pills, as I could not get the image of finding him out of my head.  The pills dont work.  I cant sleep, I lost 4 pounds, but started drinking Boost and gained it back.  Every day is a struggle to get out of bed, to do the chores or cook or shop.  I am

pushing myself, and my body is worn out. I get those inside shakes, the heart palpitations, even though my blood pressure is normal, and my pulse is fine.  I start thinking of my own mortality.  I have a younger brother and he and I are very close, and he is totally devastated.  I had a blood draw a month ago for my upcoming physical this Tues.  When I called the dr for the sleeping pills, I asked about my blood work.  He said "no surprises" and he would go over them when I saw him. I hope he means that my blood work is ok.

I see my psychologist on Monday and I know she will want to put me on an antidepressant, but I NEED to grieve and feel the grief. I dont want to be a zombie, I am not depressed, I am just undescribably SAD!!!!!!!

But I am worried because of the physical feelings I have.  The panic attacks hit in the middle of the night.  I am afraid to be in crowds. I have had these feelings before, but they are worse since I found my brother.

I guess I am asking.........is this NORMAL???  My husband said I should start perking up, since its been three weeks. Yeah right, I thought people could grieve a full year, or several months.  I just need to know that I am ok.  I am so worried.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Sue

Hi,

I am so truly sorry for the loss of your brother.  What you experienced when you found him was very traumatic and now you are dealing with the loss and I don't believe that three weeks is nearly enough for you to deal with all of that.

My father died suddenly about 15 years ago and I was affected very extremely.  I was so, so sad, I had trouble sleeping, my anxiety went through the roof and I had panic attacks all the time, especially when I left the house.  After a particularly bad panic attack while I was driving, which landed me in the er, I became agoraphobic and didn't leave my house for almost 2 years. 

In my opinion, the loss of someone and the grief that you feel can overwhelm you and make the p/a really flare up.  I can understand that you don't want to take anti-depressants and of course that is your choice, but I would be careful as time passes to keep a close eye on how you are doing as far as getting out, socializing, etc as you don't want to fall into a hole that you cannot get out of.

Give yourself some time to grieve your loss, allow your feelings to be there and use your cbt to help deal with the anxiety issues.  No one can put a time limit on grief, some grieve longer than others, so only you will know when you are starting to deal with the loss and feel better.  You will in time, but for right now, as long as you don't let yourself backslide to much, I think that what you are feeling is completely normal.

you have been through such an ordeal! my heart goes out to you. there is NO set time on grieving, it is a personal, individual thing, that i believe lasts for years- not 3wks. you have every right to be hurting and to feel heavy with grief. allow yourself to mourn, but also think of the positive memories you have with your brother. maybe your husband isnt a great communicator- im sure he doesnt intend to hurt you, but it DOES hurt and like i said, you are entitled to grieve, and to grieve YOUR way.

having fibro doesnt help- i have it also and thats a huge battle on its own, let alone adding grief and loss to the mix.

please take care and know that i am thinking of you- you WILL get through this.
Maz XX

I want to thank ALL of you for your kind, comforting responses.  You are all so very compassionate. And I guess that was what I was looking for, because I sure dont get it at home here. I feel so much better after reading all of your posts.  A friend told me last night..."this is your grief, you own it, no one else does, and no one can take it from you or control how your feel".  That made so much sense to me,as did all your posts. I talked to my brothers son last night and after three weeks of running around (he was in the process of moving into a new house, he had a new baby a month ago, and two days after my brother died, his beautiful 7 yr old lab laid down one night and just passed away, my brother didnt leave a will).......so my nephew is starting the grieving process just now. I told him to just let is all out, and he sobbed for a good hour, and he NEEDED that.  It made me feel better to help him sort thru his feelings.  I know to take one day at a time.  I know its the holidays, and I know I have things to do.  I guess I will try and do some of my baking next week.  I told my husband I wanted a very quiet Christmas day, just with the immediate family.(I have a new daughter in law ).  I just had Thanksgiving for his family (15) and it was tooooo much for me.  It took me several days to recover.  My husband says to keep busy and stay busy.  I havent stopped doing one thing, I still do the every day chores, even though its an effort.

Thanks for reading my post.  You ladies are the BEST!!!! Its nice to be able to relate to others, and to those who have lost a loved one,my heart goes out to you.

God bless you all

Sue