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hi, new here and just need to get some things out...

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Posted 1/28/2009 5:07 AM (GMT 0)
hi,
i have been suffering from panic attacks for quite some time now. i have been depressed pretty much my whole life and sadly have just realized that it was not normal for me as a young adult to panic and be scared to cross a street. i guess that sounds weird.... i'm sorry this might get lengthy but i have never let all of this out and i have spent most of my life not really knowing myself. i was abused as a child, well into my teen years. i grew up scared of everything, scared to dance in public, scared to talk to people, scared to live ..... i guess my point is i have a lot of baggage... and i'm not sure how to handle it anymore.
i have been reading many of the posts here and it is somewhat comforting to know that i am not the only one that has to deal with anxiety daily. at this time in my life , for whatever reason health anxiety is basically ruling my life. i am scared to step out of my bed in the morning because i think i will feel a pain somewhere and then start researching it on the web and well then its all downhill from there because i am convinced i have every disease possible.
i have had numerous tests in the past two years, all initiated when i had some reflux and my dr put me on nexium... i have had ultrasounds, ct scans, xrays, bloodwork, and many many dr visits. i have panic attacks just googling my symptoms and then if i do go to the dr for something i go through absolute torture waiting for test results. i have had to ask for valium, xanax, etc when seeing docs because it is so hard to get through a week or so jumping everytime the phone rings.... i was given a prescription today for something, i am too lazy to look it up, its some new antidepressant (starts with a p) but i am scared to take it because of the side effects that were listed.
i have this costochondritis and it has flared up pretty badly this time which sent me into a whole whirlwind of panic. i also had an ovarian cyst that ruptured last month which meant more dr visits and more panic. i just want to wake up and feel normal... even if something hurts or needs medical attention i want to be able to handle it calmly but i cant.... i was on lexapro for almost a year and it helped me see things more clearly which was good and bad... it took away so much of my anxiety that i saw my life for what it really was and sadly saw how much i have settled and how much i have missed out on.... i stopped the lexapro because i gained weight and that is a very touchy issue for me brought on by being told repeatedly how fat i was as a kid....( i dont think i weighed over a 100lbs until i was in my 20's, but i can see now that my mother clearly has her own mental issues which caused her to abuse us kids). so now , i take a valium when i can get a doc to prescribe them, or a xanax, or if i'm out i have a few drinks at night.... i'm scared that i will never get a grip on this ....
thanks for letting me vent....
Posted 1/28/2009 8:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Anxietychick

Welcome to healingwell I am so glad you have found this forum it is a great place to come and speak to people who understand what you are going through. It sounds like you have had a rough time and I am sorry to hear that and can see how things have affected you, with regards to health anxiety you do need to stop googleing as this will only make your anxiety worse I know as I suffer with health anxiety and have convinced myself that I have had all kinds if nasty things. With regards to the antidepressant please do give it a go your doctor has given it to you to help you I can understand your anxiety re the side affects and am sure most members will be able to relate to that, but the side affects do ease after a couple of weeks once your body gets used to the new medication so i would say give it a go. Have you tried therapy? I have had CAT therapy and I am due to have CBT later this year and found that this kind of therapy really did help me more so than the medication i take could be something for you to think about. Know that we are here to listen and support you and give advice were we can as we are not doctors so advise that you do talk things through with your doctor or pdoc.

With regards to drinking please be careful and I would advise not to drink as it will make things worse for you, I am having real problems with alcohol at the moment so please don't turn to drink bad idea.

I have found healingwell a great place to come and talk to other people who suffer with anxiety and depression and the members here are all fantastic this is a family and we all help each other, keep posting to tell us how you are getting on and im sure some more members will be along soon.

Stick with us my friend

Ben
Posted 1/28/2009 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the reply Ben

the latest drug prescribed for me is Pristiq and i have wasted most of my morning reading about it online. there is talk about it possibly causing heart damage and liver problems.... at what point do you just ignore potential side effects and just take the pill? and this pristiq info seems to focus on depression so would it even help my anxiety? i know, ask a dr... but a dr is who gave me the rx.....


i took a xanax this morning and i can already see that it is not calming me down like it did a few weeks ago....
Posted 1/28/2009 5:15 PM (GMT 0)

anxietychick

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you on your first visit to Healing Well! To help you get the most out of the Anxiety and Panic Forum please take the time to browse our threads.

Great advice from Ben.

I would like to sugest that you see a psychiatrist for your anxiety and depression as they know the most about the meds for Anxiety and Depression.  There are a couple weight neutral meds out there and I understand exactly how you feel.  My stepmother called me fatty all the years I was growing up and to this day I see myself as being overweight as a bad thing, like somehow I have failed and am unworthy.

You are not alone so welcome to the family.

Gantle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 1/28/2009 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, Anxietychick! Welcome and it breaks my heart to know you've been suffering so much! Try not to google the meds when they're prescribed. Just begin taking them. You need the anti-depressant. Take your first pill and quietly busy yourself around the house or work. It will take your mind off of any possible side effects.

Also, I'm hoping you are in therapy. You need to speak to someone about everything you've been through. Begin a journal. Girlfriend, you're going to have a lot of stuff to write down. But do it and include your fears and feelings.

You will meet many wonderful people on this forum and get lots of answers. Let us know how you're feeling and how the Pristiq works for you. Carol
Posted 1/28/2009 5:44 PM (GMT 0)
Anxietychick

As far as i know Pristiq is a new form of Effexor which is an SNRI, I have read that people have had good results with this medication but every one is different and what works well for one person may not work as well for an other. I take Effexor and it is also said to potentially cause problems with liver and blood pressure but like you say these are potential side affects and may not even happen. I would give it a go and see how you get on and have close contact with your doctor who should be supervising your progress. Kitt's advice about seeing a psychiartist is a good one as they are the experts with regards to mental health problems.

Keep us posted

Ben
Posted 1/28/2009 6:12 PM (GMT 0)
"To help you get the most out of the Anxiety and Panic Forum please take the time to browse our threads."

LOL, i'm obsessed about my anxiety, i already read all the threads and not just on this board.

i appreciate the replies, you guys dont realize how much , or maybe you do.... i'm scared to go to therapist... i did a few sessions of counseling with my husband and all it did was make me realize how wrong we are for each other. the truth is i feel like it all just sucks.... years spent trying to figure out why my parents hated me, followed by years of seeking approval from people, always trying to find a "connection" with someone, you know something that would click and make that person see me the way i want to be seen.
I'll be 37 in march, sometimes i think i am going through hormone changes and maybe thats why i am feeling so much regret at this point. i'm sorry i just realized that my thoughts , when written, appear to be random and unrelated... i dont know whats going on with me.
Posted 1/28/2009 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
I hope you get to feeling better Anxietychick. . . It is hard to feel all the thoughts spinning around and be able to put things into perspective. You mentioned that you are scared to go to a therapist. There is another option online for a therapy called CBT called MoodGYM. It is totally free and has helped many of us on this forum:) I think it might at least be a good place to start while you are already working with meds with your doctor. You can find the link to it and other great techniques at the top of our page under Anxiety-Panic Resources :)

I also have Costo and I know how hard that is to deal with on top of the anxiety. . . Enough of a reason to feel the anxiety by itself :) I use heat and cold alternating for the pain, take Ibuprofen for inflammation (consult your doc first:), and the breathing and relaxation exercise in the thread I told you about are very soothing as well. If you have a soft pillow, I use a feather one, when you lay on your side at night, place it against your ribs lengthwise to get some comfort from the springs pressing into the ribs. You can also make a microwaveable heat pad by putting some long grain rice (not instant) into an old tube sock/pantyhose, or use hard soaking beans/field corn instead :) Just throw it in the microwave for about 2 minutes and it puts off a damp heat that helps a lot and is safe to go to sleep with :) And I have to do this everyday. . . When you feel yourself tensing up, just relax your shoulders and neck because it make the Costochondritis flare up :) If you go to the HW search, you can type in Costochondritis and find more great info and advice to help you too :)
Posted 1/28/2009 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hey anxiety-chick.

I didn't realize that I had a problem with anxiety until these last couple of months, I like you have been living with it for as long as I can remember. I also was abused as a kid, and grew up in fear of everything... never understood the panic attacks and the anxiety I was feeling everyday wasn't normal.. and it took me a long time to even talk to a doctor about it - it's hard to talk about something that you've misunderstood for years.

Just know you're not alone... therapy has helped me to some extent... I've just been looking at all the little things I need to work on to improve this frustrating situation I'm in. I use something called grounding when things get really bad, to get me in touch with whats going around in the world around me, not whats swimming around in my head. I've never tried Xanax, but have used Ativan to stop the panic.

I was also scared of starting therapy.. my thoughts was why would I want to confront the pain and suffering I've already lived through... why would I want to know how the abuse I lived through effects me everyday... I find it even depressing to think about it... but as painful as its been it has helped me a bit, and the way I look at it... every little bit is a bit better than I was.

Take care, do something to relax yourself :) I love baths.

- Corrie
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