Just checking in.... Near the end of the semester...

It's getting pretty busy... The stress I mentioned from the last time when I was here has not let up obviously...

I've been feeling depressed off and on... My health has been doing pretty well, minor incidents every now and then... I'm just tired all the time (it's really interfering with my schoolwork and my mental state)... I get enough sleep... more than enough sleep on multiple occasions (I practically slept through an entire day once... 14 hours total...)... but I'm still tired....

There's some bit of good news I'd like to share.... I recently spoke at a "Scholarship Ball" about how a scholarship had been vital for me to attend college and how I probably wouldn't have otherwise been able to... I talked about some of the obstacles I've faced in my life.... I cried... It was really emotional (didn't expect it to be so emotional)...

But the important thing is, I inspired people to donate money for future scholarships for future students in need... That really gave me a good feeling... and a lot of people thanked me personally for sharing my story... I really felt good...

Usually, I can take something like that and ride on it for at least a month or two... But... I guess maybe it was the nature of the speech.... bringing all of that stuff to the forefront of my mind.... It really got to me...


It's so hard... I think... I have a lot of issues that I've never really worked out.... I simply push them to the side and push them to the side, so that I can get along in my life... Even when I admitted myself to a Stress Center... it only took care of the immediate issues and got me on the medication, so I can simply push other stuff to the side and get along in my life....

I dunno if I'll ever be able to get over these issues...

I know I'm due for another blood test... I really ought to get my blood taken more regularly than I do (on the account that I'm taking Imuran) but it's difficult... transportation issues, feeling tired all the time (and consequently spending a lot of time in bed or just kind of spacing out because I can't concentrate on anything), and being a college student... gotta schedule my time around classes... made an appointment not too long ago... for the doctor... It'll be this coming Tuesday....

It'd probably help if I got more food in me... (Finally get to go grocery shopping tomorrow... yay! Food!)

As for pressure and expectations... I just don't know... I really don't think there's any standard for me to compare to... because I've been through a lot in my life.... it's amazing I've gotten as far as I have (couldn't have done it without the help of caring people such as teachers, those on the Healing Well forum, and others)...

When I think about it... Most of what I've seen... has been extremes.... Someone goes through a lot in their life... and they go down a path of complete destruction, hurting themselves and sometimes hurting others in the process... Or they do the exact opposite.... overcome adversity and go on to be great people who contribute something important to society....

Obviously, I want to be the latter and want nothing to do with the former... And so far, I think I am doing pretty well at that... I'm in college... I don't do drugs or alcohol... I try to participate in college events... I try to be a good, friendly person over all...

I guess a part of me is afraid that I'll fall by the way side... just kind of disappear... Not go on a path of destruction... but.... not become the person I really want to be...

I think... at the moment... there's something else I'm afraid of as well.... My life, as far as my environment goes... is pretty stable... I'm not completely surrounded by people who abuse alcohol and do drugs on a regular basis.... I have trouble getting to the grocery store... but at least most of the time I have than not (which is different than one particular point in my life where the only time I got to eat was at school).... There's no fighting or screaming... Everything's really stable...

But I'm afraid... I'm really, really scared deep down... It's kind of like with my Crohn's disease... I have this mind-set where I'm just thinking of.... "When?" In this case.... "When is my life going to take a turn for the worse again? When are things going to get bad? When? When?" I can't escape it... If I let my guard down and things turn bad... I won't be prepared, and it will really hurt me...

Celey, relax. Your life may be quiet and normal for a long tiime to come. Don't ruin it by worrying and wondering when things will take a turn for the worse. Enjoy the "up" time and remember you deserve it!

Congrats on your speech! It sounds like the experience was good for you and your audience. You should be very proud! Everything seems to be coming together. Just sit back, enjoy, and take care of yourself.

(((((((((((Celey)))))))))))) congrats on the public speaking and kicking butt! i hope you feel better soon, i remember how awful studying at college was when i was under the weather- study takes a huge toll on the body, but as you know, its worth it!

feel better,

Maz XX