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Posted 5/30/2009 12:12 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know really where to start. I've never been good at talking about my feelings because I'm always afraid of sounding stupid or just afraid that by talking about how I feel (especially to my family) that I'll just make everyone else around me miserable too. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time now and on top of that I have Fibromyalgia (chronic muscle pain and fatigue syndrome). I find myself sometimes just wanting to open up and let it all out and one of the few people, if not the only person, that I feel I could open up to is my husband but I don't want to make him feel bad because he can't make me feel better so I usually just try to keep everything bottled up inside. Most of the time this works but one of the problems I have with this is that the slightest thing sometimes will make me just start crying.

Just like yesterday, I was helping my husband mow his parents grass and I ran over a small stump and temporarily made the lawn mower stop working right. Well, with my mind the way it is, in my head, I just knew that I had destroyed the mower and it would cost tons to get it fixed so I started to cry a little and my husband noticed I was getting upset and told me that we needed to be "grown up" about it. I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded but it kind of bothered me and made me feel worse so once again I tried swallowing my feelings.

My husband ended up fixing it (it was just a small piece of the stump was wedging the blade and not letting it work). Well, his mom got a little mad that the lawn mower broke and once I started mowing my husband went inside and they ended up getting into a huge fight over the whole situation. Without going into too much of a detailed explanation of what exactly all happened I'll just say that after we left I couldn't help but to think that the whole thing was entirely my fault. My husband kept assuring me that it wasn't because his mom has mental "issues" as well and she sometime gets really angry over smaller things.

Anyway, I think that really affected me because I have been up all night thinking and worrying about it and that is on top of my everyday worries about our current situation (neither my husband and I are working right now, we have to rely on other people to get our basic necessities, and we neither one have health coverage which means I can't go to the doctor or really afford my medicine for all my ailments).

I think my lack of sleep has more than likely made my depression and anxiety worse and unfortunately in the past two days and nights I have probably gotten a total of three or four hours of sleep just hear and there. I've tried taking my muscle relaxers to try and help me sleep but I think my nerves are so bad that it doesn't really do anything. On top of all my emotional and mental problems, like I said before, I have Fibromyalgia and I don't have any pain medicine which means that I'm in pretty much constant, extreme pain every second of every day. I can't even really do anything that I need to do or even want to do. It's all I can do to get up in the morning to take care of my children. My husband does help out a lot but I think he gets really frustrated by the fact that I can't do hardly anything and sometimes I think that he doesn't really understand the pain that I'm in because he's never gone through it and even though it would help him understand I would not wish any of my diseases on my worst enemy.

Sometimes I get so frustrated and upset that I have so many medical and personal problems that I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up one day and not have my problems. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep all the time so I didn't have to deal with anything. I feel like because I try to please everyone else by keeping my feelings to myself that one day I'm just going to either explode or just completely shut down. Sometimes I try to think back before I had all these issues and remember what it felt like but I can't. I really have no clue what it feels like to not be in pain or to not feel like I'm getting ready to just cry and break down and the drop of a hat. Like I said before I don't have any medical coverage or money to get help. I just really don't know what to do. I'm sorry I've gone rambling on and on about everything but I guess I never talk about things so once I started typing I couldn't stop.

Honestly I was hoping that getting some of this off my chest would make me feel better but it hasn't yet. I'm just hoping that someone has had similar experiences or at least as some idea of what I'm going through. Anything that you all could share that might help relieve some of my tension and worries would be great. Thanks.

**I just added some paragraphs to make it easier to read:)*

Post Edited By Moderator (Nanners) : 5/30/2009 8:32:20 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/30/2009 12:55 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Slyemomma...I also have fibromyalgia along with anxiety.  It is NOT a pretty mix.  First of all I commend you for even trying to help mow your mother in law's lawn.  I tried to help my husband last week end with the mowing because there has been so little time in between the rain we had to do it when their was a break.  I still ache from head to toe.  Then my 18 year old dalmation died.  The mental and physical pain has about pushed me over the edge.  As you probably know, a vast majority of the population don't 'get' fibro....the fatigue and the constant pain.  We don't 'look sick'.  Anxiety only aggrevates the symptoms.  My husband also tries to understand and has put up with me and both of these disorders for twenty years, but I can see the frustration in his eyes when there are days when I just can't move.  The 'fibro-fog'...no one gets that.  I lose things, stand in a room and don't know why I am there, make dates to do things that I forget.  I have lost four gas caps in the past two months...worn two different shoes to the store...found the car keys in the freezer.  Yes..I cry at the drop of a hat because I perceive these things I do as being stupid instead of realizing it is just part of this disorder.  When I went gimping into Walmart the other day, the greeter asked me if I wanted one of those motorized scooters and instead of considering it I started to cry...I do not want to think that it has come to this!  We went to a cook out on Memorial Day and I was dressed in three layers because I am always cold.  Everyone there commented that I looked like I was dressed for a winter blizzard.  Then the anxiety kicked in and my heart started to skip beats which always scare me even though I know what it is and isn't dangerous.

I am not trying to make this post all about me.  I just want you to know you are NOT alone and I know exactly how you feel.  It sucks.  But I know you are strong.  I don't have health insurance either and can't afford all the medications so many take for these diseases.  I am fortunate that our doctor is a friend and he gives me Lexapro samples and I would suggest to you that if you feel you need medication you find a doctor that will do the same for you.  There are also programs out there that will give you what you need for nothing if your doctor fills out the forms for you.  I take valium at night if I am really stressed and that is only four dollars for sixty pills.  For the fibro pain I have to rely on tylenol and advil...it hardly touches it but sometimes takes the edge off.

You are NOT stupid and you certainly are NOT alone.  If you haven't already, consider joining us on the fibro forum too.  We make each other laugh at some of the things we do, instead of cry.

Hang in there...I am thinking of you.

Huggies

Donna

Posted 5/30/2009 1:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Slyemomma

 

Welcome to HealingWell......... you have joined a wonderful forum and you are going to find the members are warm and caring.

You sure do sound a lot like me in many ways.  First of all you have a lot going on and I feel the stress in your life is certainly contributing to your feelings of anxiety and depression.  (By the way we have a great Depression Forum too).  :-)

Your fiasco at your MIL re the lawnmower seems to have been blown way out of proportion by your husband and his Mom................ you do not nor can you control the behavior and reactions of others so please don't try to take the blame on you for their spat.  You are not in a good place right now and your anxiety/depression is letting off steam in the form of tears. 

IMHO the tears are cleansing for you but I understand how hard it is to feel like all you want is for the world to right itself and the anxiety and tears to go away.

I cry easily too, I know I am overly sensitive and my hubby gets frustrated with me at times and says "stupid" things that make me feel worse.  But I have to remember that I am allowing what he said to make me feel bad,  I am not a bad person and he is stumped on a good day and like your hubby wants to help but doesn't know how.

I am sorry to hear of your financial struggles too...........I am going to post for you an online therapy site.  You can work through the program for free right online from your home.  It has helped many members including myself so please do take a look and try it. 

the MoodGYM  CBT program:

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

Remember we are here for you and you are now a member of this great family here in HW.

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

 

Posted 5/30/2009 2:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Slyemomma,

And welcome to Healingwell. As you have seen we have some wonderful and loving folks trying to live with this darn anxiety too.

I agree with Kitt I do not think you did anything wrong regarding the lawnmower incident. I also agree that your hubby and his Mom blew it all out of proportion.

I have Crohns Disease as well as Fibromyalgia and I can relate to the constant pain. And no one can really understand the constant pain unless they have it. And so many people think its not even a real condition, which makes it even worse. Its definetly real, you and are a testaments to that fact. It sucks to always be in pain. And I think because you have no meds to help relieve the pain, it is really getting to you spirtually.

For your anxiety and depression you really might want to try the CBT. I think that will help you to gain some control over the anxiety and depression. I was also wondering if maybe you can go to the health food store and see if they have any herbs that might help. Are you able to Ibuprofen or Aleve? Those might help some ease the pain of Fibro. With my Crohns I can't take those meds as they would really tear up my stomach. But I would think that you could find generics of the Ibuprofen or Aleve type meds that would be cheaper. It would at least give you a little relief.

Stay with us and let us be your shoulder to cry on when needed.

Hugs
Gail *Nanners*
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