unwillingness to try therapy

KK,

I am sorry to hear your husband is not ready to go to therapy but this is one of the things that the person must want to do for themselves.

You cannot tell him what to do. I think that is something he is going to have to work out on his own.

I  do not endorse putting your foot down, because that implies an improper balence of power in the relationship. How in the world can either one of you be safe in a space that one has more power then another?

I am wondering how many Xanax pills he is prescribed monthly if he has enough to use them every day?

I am sorry I do not have any magical answers.  I feel the main thing is get help for yourself right now.  You cannot really change another person.

I do empathize with how you are feeling.

With kindest personal regards,

Kitt

Hello KK,

I understand  what you mean by worrying your husband is headed for a breakdown. Anxiety and other personality traits can trap a person in their own prison.  Outside influence seems to have little effect on them coming out.  It’s frustrating and can be even depressing for the healthy spouse. 

Unfortunately, many people with anxiety disorders don’t seek help. They don’t realize that they have an illness that has known causes and effective treatments. Other people fear their family, friends or coworkers might label  them if they get help.

Just this past week-end I was talking with  my MIL to tell her their neighbor is very depressed.  My MIL turned to my FIL and said " Steve is feeling sorry for himself"  ARgh !  Some people just don't understand a disorder if they cannot see the injury or pain a person is in. 

I hope this gives you an idea how your husbands mind is thinking. 

I admire you for working so hard at helping your husband.  Remember to take care of you.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

It took my dad a very long time to come to terms with his anxiety /pa . A very long time. I would say he was in his mid 30's. So about 15 years.
He had a nervous break down. Became agoraphobic lost his job and became one of the meanest people I knew. But it took him having the break down to finally seek help.
Sometimes its best to let them fall. At some point they will decide they do not like the life they have and want to change it. But it is not until then can anyone truely help. No matter how good our intentions are and how much we want to help them. It does no good until they decide the time is right.

I suggest you just let it go. Support him when he needs it. But give him the space he needs to deal with HIS problem. Stop pushing things on to him. Let him come to terms with his problem on his own. Let him decide when the time is right. You are "mothering" him and it probably is just making it 10 times worse.

I hate it when my family does this to me. I will decide when the time is right for me. I will be the one to do what I need to. I personally do not want someone else telling me what I should and shouldn't do. It is very very frustrating and makes me back away even further on seeking meds/ therapy etc that I already know I need. But I am not ready. I don't want to face these facts yet. Even though I already know. I just am NOT ready.

Just writing this upsets me. Because it was just the other day my family was hounding me on taking the meds the doc gave me. Yes they will make my anxiety better. But at the cost of other emotions I do not want to lose. So I WILL decide when I am ready.

Listen to him. When he says he doesn't want to let it go. A journal is well something he might not be interested in what so ever. So drop it. He knows its there if he decides do use it. The books are there. Therapy is there. He already knows this. If you keep hounding him. He will back away even further. What it ends up being is a consent reminder he has a problem. And yet he already knows that.

I don't mean to sound harsh or mean at all. So don't take it that way. Its just the way I feel when my family steps into my situation. It is MINE. And I have to deal with it. Let him decide is all I'm sayin.

Take Care
Cary-Ann

Hi Kitt,

He has known something wasn't right since he was 5 years old, but not until he was in his 20's was he able to find out what it was.  He is now in his 40's.  He has told his family, which have their own anxiety issues, and some close friends, but not any of his co-workers.  I think he thinks they will think less of him.

I know what you mean about depression, it's like a dirty word.  I also know what you mean about if people can't see an injury or pain, I have Lyme disease and people don't even think it's a real disease! 

Cary-Ann,

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad.  I know you can understand my worry, I really felt like my husband was headed in that same direction.  I DO support him and act as his sounding board, but that is a one way street.  I don't Mother him, or push things on him, the books and Dr. appt was 4 years ago when he was "the worst it's ever been" his words, and really on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Now I just am there to listen when he needs to talk about it.  I have to admit that it is emotionally draining and at this time in my own life I just don't have it in me any longer, I am not as strong as I used to be, or maybe I have just been worn down by it all.  What he doesn't seem to see is that his anxiety affects not only himself, but me and our son. 

Spinnaker,

I know what you mean, but his Mom is the same way.  They both would rather take a pill than deal with the issues.  His Mom has engaged in self medicating which is scary. 

Thank You all for your responses,

KO

 

KO-LD,

My mom was were you are now back then as well. My dad just turned 60. And my parents have been married for 37 years. He finally got some meds in the early to late 70's. (I was very young).
He had his break down in the early 80's. If I remember right I was about 8. It happened a few months after he had opened his own business. Which at the time was going really well.

Anyway. My mom deals with my dads anxiety every day. Never knowing what kind of mood he is going to be in. It took her a long time to learn how to read him. And figure out what she needed to do for him that day. It was rough on us kids as well. We learned to get up in the morning have breakfast as quietly as possible and get out of the house before he got out of bed. We wouldn't come home until dinner time. Or when my mom would give a yell.
It was very very hard child hood. And as a child it was very hard to understand. In my family you didn't talk about mental health problems. My grandma (moms side) was not in her right mind. And us kids did not understand why we couldn't go visit her. And she passed away around this same time.

I don't remember a whole lot of my dad's anxiety. But I remember the big things. I remember seeing him get so mad he threw things across the living room. I remember him breaking down and crying. I remember the fights and my mom crying because she didn't know what else to do.

In the end it worked out. He finally got help. And is a super grandpa and a much better dad then he used to be. He tries very hard to make up the past. Even though I do not wish or ask him to.

Your son is lucky to have an open and understanding mom. And your hubby is lucky to have a very loving wife. I wish they had this type of help for my mom. She suffered so.

Do what is best for you. Your health is as important as your hubby. But you should always put yourself first. I know its not easy but you should.

I have no advice on how to talk "sense" into him. As it is next to impossible. I have several members of my family who also suffer. I have a drunk brother who I have not seen in years. He self medicates drinking and xanex for his anxiety. My 2nd brother I have not seen him since I was 4 he was 12 I think. My next brother deals with his anxiety the best. When his acts up. He calls us for supports. My baby brother has moved in with my parents. Got married and had a child. They still live with my parents. And he to this day will not talk about his anxiety. He will not even tell his wife when he is feeling down.

Then there is me. I'm open seek help from my mom who is ultra supporting. If I feel bad at 2am I can call her and she would be here in a heart beat. My hubby is just as supporting. He watches me throw things and would sit on the couch and say "When you are ready dear. I'm here for you." And that was all I needed. He knew to just step back. Let me get over it and then I could cry on his shoulders.

Remember you and your son come first. If you can not handle what is going on. Have you thought about therapy? Some way to unload your massive emotional load. Maybe try to have another chat with hubby. If he is a good "runner" I would maybe take it to a park or some place where it is harder for him to leave. (I know my brother is a great runner)

Take Care.
Cary-Ann

First let me say a big Thank You to all of you, I really appreciate all your posts!

Aries8,

I think rock bottom was 4 years ago, but I did convince him to see my GP.  I feel the meds are just a bandaide and just make things "passable" his term.  It's funny because he doesn't like to take meds normally, but is willing to take the Seraquel and Xanax to cope.

Cary-Ann, I'm glad your Dad is doing so well now, it sounds like you all had a really rough childhood.  Thank you for the kind words.  I have a hard time putting myself first, like most Moms everyone else comes first.  Since I've been sick I've realized that I really need to take care of myself, I'm getting better at it.  I'm glad you have your Mom, she sounds really special!

Kitt, My husband and his Mom are very close, and I know it's not good for him to see how she handles her anxiety.  Her behavior has gotten really bad since his Dad passed 5 years ago.  A intervention would never work with her, she would feel like we were ganging up on her and she would revolt.  When he mentioned something was probably caused by her anxiety, she said "I don't have anxiety" and when he said something like yes you do, I have the same symptoms she said "I don't have anxiety and neither do you"!     I really don't have anyone to talk to about this which makes it even more stressful.  Thank you for your encouragement, I really appreciate it.

Take Care,

KK

daisysmom, 

He did look up anxiety and saw his symptoms listed.  He knows he has it, but when he was at his lowest he felt hopeless and didn't think therapy or reading a book, or filling out a workbook would work.  I think he felt he was the only one in the world that felt like he did.  Now that he is taking the Seraquel and Xanax he feels things are "passable" except when something comes up like last Friday (he was working from home) and got an email from work talking about a big meeting on Tuesday.  His group was going to be recognized for an award and they would be sitting at the table near the front of the room and stand when they were mentioned.  He really had a hard time with that.  Went through all the what if's, and let it "ruin his weekend".   We had plans for the weekend and he couldn't enjoy them at all.  He did make it through just fine, but I'm always worried that something like that will trigger an episode like 4 years ago.  I've actually thought of leaving him, it would be healthier for me if I did.  But that would be stressful too, I'm a stay at home Mom so financially it would not be possible. 

Thanks, KK

Hi Kitt,

What you said sounds so much like my husband.  I have read about CBT did you do this kind of therapy?  Do you think it is benificial?  I really don't have anyone to talk to about this, members of his family have the same/similiar problems and have not addressed their issues professionally.  I believe they all feel they have handled it on their own, but some of the off hand comments their spouses have made would lead me to think otherwise.  I don't think they would be very supportive considering this.  I know my husband has not told anyone how bad it was 4 years ago, maybe if they knew they would be supportive.

Thanks for your support,

KK

Kitt, Thanks again, I will check out the website and hopefully my husband will too.
KK