Larry's Wife - Spouse has Anxiety

 Hello!  My husband is experiencing anxiety and panic attacks.  about 6 years ago he had a heart attack.   He had always been healthy and productive in his career.  This threw him for a loop....and things really changed afterwards.  He had his second heart attack August 2008, then had pancreatitis over Thanksgiving where they discovered - and fixed - a mild kidney problem.  After all that.....he was let go from his job, terminated in this economic turmoil, although his sales group was the ONLY one who had hit and exceeded their quota.  Although his plan had been to begin his own business, this was a bit sooner than planned.  After several months I found a job, with full health benefits - a pure blessing. 

However, that seemed to exascerbate the problem.  'Larry' began getting angry with me, jealous of the people at work - especially male co-workers.  I had tried to encourage him 2 years before to seek therapy, as the job was already stressful.  This was right before the second heart attack.  Anyway, after several months of him geting upset with me, he finally did consent to go to therapy.  He has been going for almost 3 months, along with taking Citalopram and Xanax.  It took quite a while for the medication to kick in.  Now that it has he is a 'bit' calmer.  We have been to 2 sessions together, along with me going to one on my own - which was very helpful.

I guess I searched out this site because I am feeling lost.  I don't see any progress in the way my husband feels towards me.  Part of his anxiety stems from the job loss; but, it also triggered memories long buried of his previous wife who cheated on him.  BTW - we've been married almost 30 years; I have always been faithful and we were best friends all this time.  However, he has major trust issues now.  Since I am at work now and he is at home, this has been most difficult for him.  For me it is just a turn around, as I stayed home most of those 30 years, while he was traveling for his job.  He doesn't see it this way.  He is lonely and resentful.  He says he doesn't feel like I love him anymore, or like him.  I have always liked reading and playing on the computer, while he watched TV at night to escape the work stress.  Now, he is angry that I am reading or on the computer, instead of being with him.  He gets very upset when I want to visit friends or communicate with family.

It seems I can do no right.  When I try to gently explain things to 'Larry' it is as though he doesn't want to hear what I am saying...he wants me to agree with him, or change my own thinking.  There seems to be no peace in this.  And, I know there is no peace for him.

Is there hope? 

Thanks for any and all replies.

Hello Larry's wife. Welcome to HealingWell. I am Kitt and I look forward to getting to know you better.

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this rough time but please remember you must take care of yourself and your own emotional health so no guilt. You are not in any way responsible for how your husband is feeling.

A tip that may help you in dealing with your husband's anger. Validate your husband's angry feelings. You should not dismiss his emotions just because you are not happy with how he is feeling. Of course, nobody enjoys it when the other person is feeling angry or frustrated, but telling someone that they shouldn't feel that way does nothing but fuel their anger. This is the best way you can offer him support but do not become the target of his anger and frustration. He needs to deal with his own feelings and therapy is a good way. Kudos for you for going to your own therapist.

Jealousy comes about because of the insecurity of the jealous person. I feel that this may be what is happening with your hubby second degree to the loss of his job, his new health issues and now watching you go to work which is a huge reversal in your roles.

For many people, jealousy has its roots in a fear of abandonment or vulnerability. This is particularly true when there is an imbalance of power -- whether it be economic, social, sexual, emotional -- in a relationship. The person who has less power may use suspicion and jealousy in an unconscious attempt to gain equality.

Take good care of yourself in every way--physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. You can't afford to lose yourself and become consumed by your husband's depression and anxiety.


It's very challenging to be around negative, pessimistic, depressive energy without starting to feel the same way. The only antidote is to stay balanced and centered by practicing good self-care behavior and doing things to nurture yourself.

Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, stay in close contact with your friends, participate in activities that bring you pleasure, and keep your spiritual connection strong. Take time for yourself so that you can read, listen to music, meditate, or whatever helps you stay centered.

Resist the urge to try to "fix" your husband's anxiety and depression. You'll only frustrate yourself. There's no one thing you can do to take the depression away by yourself and to make everything better.

The fact that your husband has emotional issues doesn't mean that you have failed in any way as a partner. You're not responsible for the depression/anxiety and you can't fix it. You can, however, be supportive and encouraging and follow the recommendations your husband's doctor and/or therapist may make.

I hope this helps you in some small way. We are here for you and please do stick with us. We understand how your feeling.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Hey Larry's wife,


Your therapist is a wise person and absolutely right, you cannot solve "things' and make things better. Taking care of yourself always has to be your priority. I think you are doing a awesome job of getting your feelings out with your therapist and taking the chance on coming to a peer support site. That really shows that you are on track.



I know from my own experience that we can so easily become the caretakers of the world and feel we must heal the world or at least anything that goes wrong in our own little world. You did the right thing when your husband called...............he needs to get past his fears and anxieties and you supported him without accepting that you must make him better. (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))).



Do keep talking to us when you feel like it. We don't judge, we are here to help.



Fondly,



Kitt

Hello Larry's Wife,


Sorry your husband is not doing as well as he was but this is not unusual. Anxiety has a habit of sneaking back up on us and before we know it things seem to be way to hard again.



Now that you have posted your husband has a heart condition I can see where that plays a big role in his anxieties. However your husband's health issues are not your fault and he must learn to work through his issues with or without you at his side. Don’t let his illness be the center of your life.



You are doing all the right things but perhaps you should start looking at a way to spend some time apart. You and your son should not be verbally abused because of your husband's disorder. Even though your husband has other health problems, he can still enjoy living a regular, active lifestyle with you and your son.



Allow yourself to enjoy life, without your spouse, without guilt. It is essential in order for you to be a better mate and caretaker. And if it gets to be to much for you know we are here and we understand you do what you have to do.



I wish You peace,



Kitt

In his case it would be difficult to tell which is which and I certainly do not envy him. Yes, anxiety can cause a person to wake suddenly. I'm no expert but I tend to think this may have been caused by a bad dream which could have been caused by the anxiety. When I wake up like that it's always during or after a strange or bad dream. Something else that may cause a person to wake suddenly and with anxiety is sleep apnea.

There are probably other potential causes, too. Good luck.

'I do not know if this is what your husband is experiencing but more info re his heart condition would be helpful if your willing to share.'

 Spouse had his first heart attack 6 years ago, at age 55.  Deep family heart history, smoking & work stress.  Was 'in heart attack' over an hour; came out with one stent.  2 days later they put in a defibrillator, as his heart's 'electric' was deemed erratic.  (He's never liked it, although it has never gone off; and, feels they put it in because 'we have good insurance'.  lol) 

Recovered, got a big promotion at work.  Still stressed.  Had second heart attack August 2008 on vacation.  Had angioplasty,  and told there were 2 more blockages from 50% - 70% in his right coronary - told to check in with home cardiologist.  2 weeks later heart doctor did second cath - said blockages were only 40%-50%.  Had abdomen pain off-and-on ever since, and by Thanksgiving went to the ER; diagnosed with pancreatitis.  Found also kidney problem, said he had since birth - solved with surgery in December.  Let go from job in March - told in February...at age 60 1/2.

Had son's wedding in April.  Was getting more and more tired; went to local ER.  Ordered nuclear stress test - showed 'dark' in the back.  Sent to cardiologist's hosp. for cath.  Cardiologist said all was fine....anomoly on stress test.  ??  Told he had 'unstable angina' episodes, hypertensive, and hyperlipidemic.

Downhill from there...especially when I got a job, as I'd been working at home, helping him out w/his job ever since his first heart attack.

UPDATE:  They doubled his citalaprolam and Xanax.  Big difference.  But....he says he's 'not sick' anymore.  He fixed himself.  Everyone else is/has been 'bothered' that he was sick, and we all don't have to be anymore.  Wants to stop therapy now.  Still not...right, in my opinion.  Time will tell, I guess.

(Always difficult to tell when something is 'heart' related and when it is anxiety/depression related...)

Going on that trip w/my sisters for a week this summer.  Spouse really bothered by that.  Really bothered.  Doesn't trust still; knows it's from his past..but, that doesn't help.  Tough...

Thanks for asking.  Larry's Wife