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Bpyfriend Problems Part 2 (too much anxiety)

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 2/28/2010 4:45 AM (GMT 0)
 here is the link to the first part of this problem:

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=1730022

today was better, until i asked my boyfriend if he was going to answer this chick back who i had asked him not to talk to. so he blew up at me. he told me that he had SO MUCH stress because he loves me with all his heart, but he hates losing friends so he didnt want to lose her. i feel...messed up inside. i feel like i want with all my heart to make him happy. i then told him ok. talk to the girl because that is what will make YOU happy and if YOUR happy then maybe that will make ME happy. he then replied with the fact, "you say it will make you happy but it wont. youll just be hiding your sadness and i will be hurting you because im talking to her." obviously, he knows me ALL TOO WELL. well...the only thing i could to was convince him that it would be ok for him to talk to her. well he got so upset that he started just crying and crying. he cried for about 30 minutes straight. tears the whole time. no stop. so i started to talk to him, when he put his hand over my mouth and said he needed to rethink EVERYTHING. of course that scared the CRAP out of me. with questions of "is he rethinking me? is he rethinking our relationship? is he rethinking her? is he rethinking his love for ME? is he rethinking breaking up with me or staying with me?" runing through my head...i shut up, and didnt say a word. i sat in the car while he was sitting on the other side crying and thinking. i took his hand...he shoved it back at me...then he eased up and took my hand back. long story short, as i was getting back in MY car to go home...he hugged me. told me he loved me with all of his entire heart, and wanted to be with me forever, and marry me as soon as we finish highschool. well you would think this would make me happy? yes. but obviously not for me. i was ok for the first 5 minutes in the car...then sobbed the next 25 minutes to my house... i feel...so unloved for some reason, inside i mean. not physically because i mean he kisses and hugs me alot ya know? but inside. i feel unwanted. unworthy. unloved. uncared for. and unable to change my worries. i know that when and if he talks to that girl... i will be so stressed i wont be able to think straight. i guess...the main thing im asking for now... is for someone to tell me how to be WAY MORE CONFIDENT. also how to get over my worries. oh...and how to STOP FEELING like i HAVE to look at his facebook and email and stuff. because i hate feeling that compulsion to do that. i want to trust him. please. i need it.thanks

Posted 2/28/2010 2:01 PM (GMT 0)
Well, lots of people will tell you that you're young and this can't be true love. They may be right, but when I was 17 I met the love of my life. Unfortunately after being on again and off again until we were 32 years old, we finally figured out it wasn't going to work. But that's another story. I did love her and she loved me. We still love each other and always will. So it is possible to find true love at your age.

But I'm going to say again what I mentioned in your first post: it may not be a bad idea to take a break in order to work on your issues. The kinds of things you're doing to him will drive him away if it keeps up. Sorry, but being a man I know it when I see it, and I'm just being brutally honest. I think you know this already. If it's true love then a little time off won't be the end of it.

What you're asking us to do (tell you how to be more confident, end your compulsion to check up on him) isn't really possible for us. Nobody here knows you. I'm sure there are some generic helpful tips that can be passed on and people will give them to you, but in the end if you really want to fix this you're going to have to give it time and you're going to have to put forth effort. You may even need the help of a therapist. But this is a personal journey. There are no quick fixes. You can get better but it may not be a perfectly smooth ride.

I will tell you this: you can change. That is the one certainty I have, because everyone can change and I've seen people take charge of their lives and accomplish remarkable things. My father was in and out of mental institutions when I was a kid, but he finally took charge and built a very successful business later in life. I have a friend who just a few years ago couldn't leave her house -- agoraphobia, a type of anxiety -- but now goes everywhere and is raising a bunch of kids.

It really pains me to hear about someone so young having anxiety problems, but you're not alone. There are other young people here. I do think it's good that you have recognized it and are trying to deal with it. You'll be okay.
Posted 2/28/2010 9:13 PM (GMT 0)
thank you so much debaser. it means alot that you took thetime to write such a beautiful reply of help. i am really trying. i have talked to my boyfriend today. we finally came up with this so far. this girl is still angry at him and it looks as though she isnt GOING to be talking to him. he did message her back (not sure if i told this or not) to explain why he had been ignoring her, (he told her it was cuz of one of our close friends that are moving) so i went ahead and told him that if he was going to talk to her, could he promise me a few things. he said of course :) which was nice to hear. i asked him to please never call her beautiful (*he had "as a friend" in the past and it hurt because i AM his girlfriend! haha) also i asked if he was going to talk to her allllll the time and stuff. so i could prepare myself. he said he wouldnt call her pretty or beautiful, and he said no he wasnt going to talk to her. she had deleted him off facebook and blocked his email address and doesnt text him anymore. so the only way he would talk to her is facebook messages, and shes only on like once a day anyways. so after him explaining this to me, i took it into consideration. right now, im just numb. and waiting. trying to see if things are going to be ok. im rather hoping actually that she remains mad at him. cuz then my problem would go away. at least for the time being. but if that doesnt happen, he reasured me of those things, and also told me that his facebook was always open for me to read what they were saying without asking him...so that made me feel a bit better. anyways. thank you so much debaser. and idk if your religious or if anyone else out there is...but pray for me. thank you.

Posted 3/1/2010 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
sjs,

I am so glad debaser has posted to you as he is wise and his advice is sound.

Low self-esteem is a constant companion for too many people, especially those who experience depression, anxiety, phobias, etc. Low self-esteem keeps you from enjoying life, doing the things you want to do, and working toward personal goals. You have a right to feel good about yourself. However, it can be very difficult to feel good about yourself when you are under the stress of having symptoms that are hard to manage.

It helps to take a closer look at your negative thought patterns to check out whether or not they are true. You may want a close friend or counselor to help you with this. When you are in a good mood and when you have a positive attitude about yourself, ask yourself the following questions about each negative thought you have noticed:

Is this message really true?

Would a person say this to another person? If not, why am I saying it to myself?

What do I get out of thinking this thought? If it makes me feel badly about myself, why not stop thinking it?
Develop positive statements you can say to yourself to replace these negative thoughts whenever you notice yourself thinking them. You can't think two thoughts at the same time. When you are thinking a positive thought about yourself, you can't be thinking a negative one. In developing these thoughts, use positive words like happy, peaceful, loving, enthusiastic, warm.

Avoid using negative words such as worried, frightened, upset, tired, bored, not, never, can't. Don't make a statement like "I am not going to worry any more." Instead say "I focus on the positive" or whatever feels right to you. Substitute "it would be nice if" for "should."

You are a good and deserving person and remember to take things one step at a time and you will overcome your anxieties and fears.

Keeping you in my prayers,

Kitt
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