Burden

Hey everyone,

I have to put this out there, cause it's tormenting me and I can't seem to get any relief whatsoever from talking to people and the least of all from myself.

I am currently spending a brief study programme abroad, short - just for some days. I've met a girl who I'm touched by affectively - she's cute. The thing is that I have a girlfriend at home whom I very much love and don't want to hurt. I haven't done anything with this girl who touched me, she's also a student... I just, for example, like talking to her more than with others. Also if I need to call someone where they are, I call her. It's like a game that I'm playing with myself in terms of like "I know I can't/won't do anything, because I have a girlfriend who I love and don't want to lose, but I like to get pleasant feelings by talking to this student girl that I've met".

It got a lot worse when we drank a bit on Friday and my guard went down a notch. The first thing that bothered me is that I said to this girl "let's meet for drinks". And then there was an exchange of mobile messages, mostly me saying "come on, let's meet please please".

Anyway, we met later and she said she was really uncomfortable because I was pushy and that it was obvious what my point of view was. I said to her "look, I do like you (in terms of liking someone affectively, when you first meet then and so on), but I have a girlfriend back home whom I don't want to cheat... and so I just like talking and hanging out near you." After that, we started kind of ignoring each other... which is not really the problem.

My problem is that now I'm completely mood swinging and feeling horrible for what I've done in terms of "subtle flirting". I feel that now I can't say "oh it's just an obsession, you're ok, you're an OK person". Now I feel that people objectively thing I've cbeated on my gf in a way AND most importantly (!) that I should make the sacrifice of doing the necessary thing and tell my girlfriend, confess (even If i think i don't want to, because it would make things worse than they can actually play out) and perhaps lose my beautiful relationships. And my obsessions are now revolving around this, I'm having heavy heavy anxiety attacks and mood swings between "it's ok" moments and complete nightmares.

Please, help me with your advices and experiences... where should I go from here?

Hi,

thanks, your response was really analytical and profound. I agree, it is up to me. I don't want to tell my girlfriend because I feel that's what I want to do in terms of making autonomous decision that work. It is the fear of doing something I don't really want to do that is scary. I've never before been in this situation and that's also why I'm afraid of it, because I'm scared it will get out of control because I can't handle it or something.

I've noticed being here that I emphasize a lot the 'strokes' I get especially from girls that are not bad looking in my opinion. That's all good, it's just that I feel this longing to be 'stroked' (like, for example, this girl told me you look like my ex-boyfriend) and then I talk to these girls and hang out with them or talk with them because they give me these pleasant feelings. Out of this also arises the very feeling that I'm unfaithful to my girlfriend, because I know the motivation behind my actions (in terms of the strokes, the recognition, the pleasure and warmth I get from girls who say things I like).

again, thanks. cheers.