Nervous around people and speaking

I am nervous everytime I talk to someone and after every conversation I sit there and rethink what I just said. Sometimes I stay up all night feeling humiliated about something that I said to someone. I have never been able to build a healthy relationship and am sweating just trying to write this down. I'm really angry at people and needy at the same time. I stood up to my boss one day at work because I felt singled out. It scared me and I started chewing the skin on the inside of my cheek and ripping it off for four hours. I feel really ashamed of myself.

Hello Jane Wilson and welcome to HealingWell.


I think Camylou has advised you well and I hope you do seek out the guidance of a physician.



It does feel to me like you have some issues with self confidence and I have had these same issues over the years so let me see if I can help you.

Self confidence usually is based on how well or not so well we've done in previous situations. It is how we feel about ourselves. Our self worth is based upon our previous performance . We all tend to base our own personal values on how successfully we perform in different situations and we often want a perfect performance of ourselves. If we don't live up to our perfect standards, we end up lowering our opinions of ourselves.

We can learn to value ourselves in spite of feeling anxious. As adults we often believe we must continually justify our place in the world, that we have to somehow prove to other people that we are , extremely self confident and worthy of their esteem . We will spend excessive amounts of time feeling anxious and afraid that we won’t meet other people expectation and we lose sight of the basic fact that we are usually all right just as we are, in spite of the fact that we are not perfect.

Temporary fluctuations in our self confidence are common, they happen to most of us. Try self talk, tell yourself you are fine. Tell yourself you can go to the party or what ever event you are fearing and that you will be ok. When you begin to feel bad, such as being at a party with a whole lot of people you don't know, stop the stinkin thinkin and take a deep breath. Tell yourself you are ok, many of the people at the party may feel the same way you do. If you want to build your self confidence you need to stop caring so much what others think and more about your opinion.

Remember you are a special person and try to stay in the moment and let go of the "what ifs".

Again a warm welcome to HW.

Kindly,

Kitt

Like a lot of people, I often wonder what others think of me. Sadly, I usually assume the worst. But I also think that it's important to challenge those thoughts. When we see other people that appear to be full of happiness and self-confidence, we don't know what's going on underneath. Like ourselves most people are worried about something, which means that (1) they may be just as self-conscious as you are and (2) they may be too consumed with their own issues and busy schedule to have any time to judge you.

I used to go up to people after an earlier conversation with them and apologize "if I came across" a certain way that I feared I might have. 99% of the time they've responded with "I never gave it a second thought". If they don't say that, then they'd probably say thanks for saying something. Having a few of those experiences under my belt has helped me to remind myself that I'm probably overanalyzing things and can let go.

Dear Jane,

Try not to let the worries of what others think of you stop you from seeking help. I understand your concerns re your Mother but perhaps you could find another way to get funding to see a therapist. How about through your state or government assistance? Remember if you're in a crisis situation you may always present to the nearest Emergency Department in your local hospital.

Here is a link to a web site that may be able to help you:

http://findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov/Search_HCC_byAddr.aspx

Remember to be good to yourself.

Kitt