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Posted 9/20/2010 5:39 PM (GMT 0)
I'm emotionally and physically spent.  I can't put up with this ridiculous crap anymore.  I walk around all day completely miserable, nothing makes me happy.  I went out yesterday for the football games with some friendsa nd some drinks, and it was more torture then it was fun.  If I can't even have fun doing that anymore, what is there left?  Still unemplloyed and just sitting around with absolutely nothing to do, this is a ridiculously vicious cycle.  I gave in today and called my old pdoc. I was atleast a LITTLE better on cymbalta, but I don't want that crap but maybe it was just his methods that worked?  Who knows, I need something though.  I feel like such a darn lost cause.

Went back to my old college today and got readmitted into their system so that I can start classes and switch my major starting in January.  I felt like such an outsider and weirdo walking around the campus.  Why the hell does all this crap always go through my head lately?  I can't get a darn handle on these negative and ridiculous thoughts.  Aw well, back to going to lay down and watch endless amounts of pointless television.

Posted 9/20/2010 10:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hearing you speak you sound like me when I'm in a funk. It sucks. I let myself feel sorry for myself for a day or so and then I try to think of what I have to be grateful for. Then I start doing little nice things for other people. You know- like helping an elderly person find something in a grocery store or something. Then I start feeling better. I wish you all the best- when your in a funk....you really feel like crap.
Posted 9/20/2010 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
Interesting that you mentioned being grateful, Weary. I once read a book called "What Happy People Know" It's philosophy is that gratitude, i.e, counting your blessings is an antedote for depression and anxiety. I know that in it's simplicity this sounds a little "Pollyanna-ish" but I like your approach of moderation. Taking time to acknowledge one's problems, but then moving on and beyond ourselves is beneficial and healthy.
Great job Mike on registering for school again. That is a major accomplishment! Give it time and things will get better. Keeping up with your work, social life and health is a big task, but I know that you can do it-hang in there.
Sending you encouragement,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 9/20/2010 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for atleast reminding me that I'm not the only person out there who has these depression/anxiety problems. Like I've said in some of my older posts it's really more my anxiety thats really crushing me. I've been depressed off and on over the last few years with really very little problem. It's the darn anxiety that I feel is stripping away my personality and my drive. I just can't seem to focus or do anything, I'm getting extremely self conscious. To the point where I analyze how I'm sitting, how I'm standing, how my posture is, how I look, how do I sound when I talk, all of this crap. Over the years I've obviously done this, but never to this extreme. And I'm so caught up in all this BS that I'm just not even here anymore it feels like. I know for a fact I'm absolutely no fun to be around anymore, family and friends have even brought this to my attention. I just don't know how to correct it and get back. A lyric from one of Eminem's new song "Going Through Changes" is exactly how I feel lately.

"Lately I really, feel like I'm rolling for delph like Philly,
I feel like I'm losing control of myself, I sincerely,
Apologize if all that I sound like is I'm complaining,
But life keeps on complicating, an' I'm debating,
On leaving this world, this evening, even my girls,
Can see I'm grievin', I try and hide it,
But I can't, why do I act like I'm all high and mighty,
When inside, I'm dying, I am finally realizing I need help."

"And it hurt sore, fast forward, sleepin' pills'll make me feel alright.
And if I'm still awake in the middle of the night,
I just take a couple more, yeah you're MF'n right"

If you wanna check out the song I got a link to a youtube clip of it here. It's kind of depressing though so IDK if everyone wants to check it out but screw it, it's how I feel and it atleast entertains me for now.
Posted 9/20/2010 10:50 PM (GMT 0)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1LSBO0X6kQ&feature=related
Posted 9/20/2010 11:23 PM (GMT 0)
I'm a little old for Emimnem (I've got a kid your age) but those are some great lyrics. It's all about relating-you relate to those words and that's a powerful thing. It helps the feelings of isolation. I'm glad that you are not feeling clinically depressed. Remember though that there is a situational depression that can happen when you are worn down by the A/P. That's what happened to me, and if you don't mind me saying, sounds like you are experiencing some. That's why it is important to keep up with your therapy/meds, whatever you are using for your recovery. Over time, if untreated it can get worse, so keep fighting. Music therapy is a good thing-thanks for sharing:)
S.C.
Posted 9/20/2010 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
What do you mean by worn down by A/P? Cause honestly what I experience 24/7 practically is DP. That's my main problem and my main complaint. It's sapping and taking everything from me, I'm a darn shell of my former self. And IDK, I feel like I am seriously clinically depressed. I'm definetly hitting a low point again, I can't wait until wednesday until I see the doc.
Posted 9/21/2010 1:28 AM (GMT 0)
wow, mike619er. I thought I was the only one felt like that.about the whole stressing about every little detail like the way I talk and walk and stand, everything, just analyzing everything.Lately I feel as if i can't have any fun ever either. I went somewhere with my friend Saturday and I was miserable too. We went hoping I'd feel better but my depression and anxiety worsened. I hardly visit my family because of my depression, anxiety, and mood swings, because according to them i seem out of touch.sigh... I know just how you feel. I was at first considered clinical depression,anxiety disorder, and add, but now they have figured out I am bipolar and anxiety disorder. At the moment I am depressed. You should talk to your doctor about switching medicine because it may be kinda working, but I think they could find something that works better.I prayed for you. I hope you can get all this straightened out cuz I know It really sucks, just hang in there.
Posted 9/21/2010 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
I was physically and mentally tapped out by my panic attacks. It got to the point when even on days that I didn't have an attack, I was so exhausted that everything was an epic effort. I had nothing left after just getting through the day (work, family the non-negotiable stuff) Life was not fun. I dreaded almost everything. I lost my sense of humor-which I depend on. I had to fake my way through most things to seem "okay" Once I got the anxiety/panic under control though, the depression lifted. I think that your age group and generation has a lot of pressure on them. My heart goes out to you. My oldest daughter also is suffering A/P. I am strongly recommending c.b.t. therapy for her. This sould be an awesome exciting time in your lives, you may not be able to control all of life's insanity, but you can learn how to react to it in a way that is liveable. Keep fighting-every day!
S.C.
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