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I have a rapid heart rate, I can't speak and I can't think

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 10/24/2010 5:02 AM (GMT 0)
Hey everyone. I signed up for this website when I was 16 looking for other people who experienced anxiety like I was feeling. I went started taking zoloft and klonopin when I was 17 for depression and anxiety. I went from zoloft to pristique to lexapro then to cymbalta. In may of this year I quit cymbalta and about a month and a half ago I quit klonopin for good. It turned out I was still experiencing everything- I was just very doped up.
Now I'm 21, completely off everything and experiencing the same things as before except it's not normal anxiety and that's something I have just realized when I tried holding a job at walgreens. I thought this was just anxiety and depression - normal. The thing is, it dawned on me as I was around so many people that they were experiencing anxiety and depression as well - only they could think clearly and had life to them. For some reason I haven't.
I have no base emotional state. I have no base intellectual state. I have no base core of feelings or thought and my heart is pumping hard - too hard even for anxiety - all the time. All the time as in there is no moment - waking or asleep - that my heart is at rest and pumping normally. All the time. I don't experience anything. Things happen in front of me, but I can't interact with it. My memory is shot so bad that I can't remember what I have just wrote. Nor can I clearly experience anything happening before me. Everything is detached and seperate and I don't feel human. Something else is wrong and I don't know what. The onset was very quick. It's like I just faded away and changed at the end of my freshman year of high school. I just watched it happen and I couldn't stop it. It feels like my chest, my throat, and the base of my brain are being sucked up by something and are tight and constricted all the time. To concentrate is like trying to move an arm when the nerve has been frayed or injured. It's just not working. It's psychologically horrible for me because I'm a smart person but I havn't been able to access any part of that person for years and I still can't.
I'm scared and hopeless but still fighting on for some reason. My last human memories were when I was 15 and healthy in high school. I would go to the hospital but I have no insurance. I know this is just not right and I wanna know if anyone out there could possibly recognize this or know what it might be. Please
Posted 10/24/2010 1:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sean, I am sorry that you are having a tough time right now. A few things popped out at me through your post, so here are some things to consider:
Your sx sound like classic anxiety, derealization/personalization, physical sx, loss of memory and concentration, ect. However, A/P symptoms are usually transient, so for you to be in a constant state of distress is unusual. I assume that when you were on medication previously, you were under a doctor's care, who ruled out any underlying health problems? If possible, look into low/no cost health clinics in your area, and get a check-up and a referral for therapy. There are many therapists who will work with you for reduced cost/sliding scale accord. to income, you just have to find them and possibly be on a waiting list.
You mentioned that many people that you know function at a higher level than you with their anxiety and depression. There is a huge range for the sx of anxiety/depression, and everyone experiences them differently. I think that you may perform higher than you give yourself credit for. I know that it doesn't feel that way, but the overwhelming feelings of A/P often skew reality. I was shocked to find out that others had no idea that I was suffering from anxiety. When I did start to talk about it, they couldn't believe it, and I in turn couldn't believe that they didn't see there was something terribly wrong with me!
I do hope that you can look into seeing a doctor either with some financial help (family?) or through a clinic for low cost. I can see from your post that you are a bright young person, with an incredible fututre ahead. You just need to clear the hurdles of anxiety and depression-no easy feat, but not impossible either!
Good luck,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 10/24/2010 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
Well, when I was 16 I went to get an EKG done because my heart would never stop pumping hard and the doctor just kind of administered it, asked if I had anxiety and wanted to kill myself, I said No i didnt want to, and then he said bye. I've been to therapy. There really isn't much to talk about. I do not get really anxious in any particular situation other than when I'm put on the spot but I think that's normal. The thing is, I'm anxious around myself. I'm anxious around my brother and sister. around my mom. I'm not depressed about any one thing, I'm depressed about my inability to emotionally connect with anyone because of the way I feel. I'm disconnected from the world. I don't have friends I feel close to at all. I am convinced it is medical rather than mental because the only thing in the world I want is to have a conversation with someone, but I just can't. Five years and the years I was on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication I never had a real conversation or interaction with anyone and I still can't. I became a horrible, small, petty person, forgot who I was, and recently just remembered. When I was seeing the psychiatrist, all she would do is deal me drugs, and talk about the superficial symptoms of this without appreciating the vastness of the desolation I feel. IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE with literally no outside reason for it to happen. There is nothing to talk about with a therapist and I'm stuck feeling sad and bitter all the time because of this, not the other way around. I can't care about anything, and I can't even see past it. It's not so much a feeling so much as it is a lack of anything. It's lack of experience itself. I'm floating as a ghost. I would go to a low cost clinic but my dad is a paramedic and I don't think we'd qualify. I am just so certain that the anxiety and depression are the symptoms, not the cause. I daydream about seeing specialist and figuring out what this is constantly. I also daydream about having the courage the end it all constantly... or rather lack of courage. Time is very, very harsh for me because the day offers nothing. It is just constant suffering. I can wait until january when I will be able to get on my dad's insurance again, but it's just so long away. and there is nothing in between. Thanks for the support though.
Posted 10/24/2010 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
We are always here to support each other. Post anytime you feel the need, have questions, or just need to vent.
Just a couple more thoughts... I feel anxiety out of the blue, for apparently not reason as well. This is the hardest type for me to deal with. I feel baffled that I can be with my family, on a seemingly relaxed day, and I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin! A/P has no logic, or time table-this is a very hard thing to accept, but if you can learn to do so, it will have less of an impact.
I went to therapy twice, with different therapists. I liked my first therapist well enough, in fact he was very good, but I wanted a fresh perspective when I realized that I needed more help. You might want to consider going back, it could really turn things around for you until you can get back to the Dr's.
Hope this helps a bit-Take care,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 10/25/2010 1:03 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sean,

It looks like SC has already given you some pretty good advice (she does that a lot). I would have to agree that despite not feeling like you have anything to talk about that therapy can still help. Don't view therapy as a way to "cure" the anxiety or feel that you can only talk about anxiety. You can talk about how you don't really feel anything at all. Believe it or not, that "feeling of feeling nothing" is more common than you might think and counseling can help with it. And even if it is something medical, therapy can still help you to work through all that you're dealing with. In the meantime, try to find a free or low-cost clinic to explore that possibility. Are you in school? Do they have a clinic?

The other thing that comes to mind is your age and the fact that you've been on medication for several years now. You started meds at 17 (four years ago) and just came off of them? You mentioned that they made you feel "doped up" and that your last emotional experience was at 15. Why did you come off the meds now? It might have been too early. People often use medication as a way to ease the symptoms while in therapy which offers a more long-term solution. If you never addressed the underlying cause of your symptoms (i.e. the depression, anxiety, and lack of emotions) then it's not a huge surprise that they'd be back. Also at your age you're at a time in your life where you're likely trying to figure out who you are. In your case it's like you were 15 one day and woke up a 21 year old the next morning. Now you might be looking back at the last few years and the current moment wondering what happened, how you got here, where to go from here, what your life is about....
Posted 10/25/2010 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, you spelled it out. I mean, it really sucks. But, no it's not that I got off them too early. I should have never gotten on them. To say any kid needs to be put psychoactive drugs is just wrong. One has to develop. And I dont even know what the underlying problem was. I got off anti depressants last may and klonopin a month and a half ago. They are drugs, very very bad drugs. Very addictive. Take them if you want to make killing yourself easier to deal with. No, it was not too early and no one should ever get on them. I've read people compare getting off klonopin to getting off heroine, and quitting cigarettes for me was 100 times easier than quitting klonopin. Bad things, these drugs. And yeah, I'm still dealing with these things I feel because I didn't ever tend to my needs as a human. And I was in therapy. I was going to therapy every week. The reason it didn't help me was because I was on medication. It's a horrible thing to not know who you are, who anyone else is, where in the universe you are, your relationship to your body or anything else. I dont mean any of that metaphorically. It's like feeling ripped apart from inside your chest and outwards. And then you go in therapy and they ask you how you feel. You just feel like you got hit by a train all the time and to make it worse your throat is slit so you can't speak, Oh and you've been shot in the head so you can't think. That's all metaphor. Ugh, it's just the medications don't help, they make it easier to say and do things that are detrimental to oneself, given that one is more inclined to self destruct when things are going bad. And thats a lot of people. thats me. Yeah I do feel like I was 15 and now Im 21 and its disgusting and horrible. I was going to school, but my inability to feel anything kept me from constructively analyzing anything and so my grades suffered and in my opinion I was only able to show a small fraction of my intellectual ability to anyone, including myself. It's not being down and anxious, its feeling below and completely ripped and torn apart. All the time. Why all the time? Why can I not take some time out and then feel better? It's just all the time. Maybe an injury like this must take a long time. I believe in chakras. And to me it's felt as if every one of them was injured, ripped and torn, and the ones that were so badly injured that they couldnt even be accessed were my heart and throat chakras. Those are still healing and I think I can feel them getting better. I'm not hopeless, I'm just frustrated. I don't feel my heart - my soul- and I dont know what it's thinking, but I also can't express myself through clear communication because it's like my throat's shut closed all the time. I'm sorry I know that's getting into spirituality. I just can't accept this is normal and since many people experience it that those who experience it should just get used to it. There are ways to get around it like maybe taking care of your emotional needs and engaging in behavior that would make you anxious and also just fulfilling your dreams and desires. I was told I would be on anti anxiety medication the rest of my life. What b.s. How could someone say that to someone else? Psychiatrists can be a good thing, but mine was a drug pusher and she wanted me to come back for more, not get better.
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