Husband Seems To Be Blaming Me For Everything

 Just got off the cell phone with my husband, and he said he is upset about everything (about my not working, his having to live with his grandmother, and the joint counseling session we had recently with my therapist).  My husband has not contacted me since the counseling session, which was I think two weeks ago.  He also has a cold that he thinks he caught from being at my parent's house, and he's struggling to get over that.  I told him I was sorry he got sick, and that I loved him and missed him.  He's stopped wearing his wedding band because he says it is now too big and loose and is cutting his pinky finger.  I asked him whether he has visited a jeweler about resizing the ring, and he told me that he has not done anything except for working.  I just don't know about him; he may be thinking of ending our marriage, but he has not said it so I guess we are still 'on'.  I know the Lord will work on his behalf if he makes a conscious effort to look for a full-time job and thus be able to rent a place of his own, but it's up to him to make that decision.  I still have panic attacks and had a bad one at therapy last week when the psychiatrist asked when I should like to return to work; that horrible fear has not dissipated one iota and I thought I had gotten a bit better.  The Social Security Administration has re-opened my case and it is being sent to the medical examiner, they said.  They had sent me a letter recently stating that my case was turned down for lack of sufficient records from my doctors.  It's an interesting turn of events and I hope that I will qualify for disability so that I can have some money coming in to help pay bills and for my medication.  My OPM-FERS disability is still pending because they want more paperwork filled out and witnessed by two people.  Right now I feel bad because my husband is acting the way he is, and not calling me at all.  That's why I think he's blaming me for everything. I don't think he cares that I'm lonely without him---he just wants me back at work supporting the both of us.  I'm having a hard time thinking "Merry Christmas" when everything is so out of sorts.  I just have to remember that this season is God's and He is in control, no matter how grim things may look.  I love each and every one of you, and I hope that you are having a great Christmas season.  I will talk to you guys later, and take care out there shopping and stuff.

Love, peace and joy to you,

Camylou

Camylou, I was just thinking about you yesterday, and almost posted you a pesonal shout-out. I was hoping that no news was good news, but it sounds like things are still tough;( I am sorry that on top of everything, your husband is adding to your worries. Are you going to go to therapy together again? Is there a pastor or lay person at your church who can counsel you? I hate to think of you two being apart this time of year especially. I will keep you and your situation in my thoughts and prayers. I am proud of you for the work that you are doing in your recovery. May it continue to help, and keep up the good work my friend!
Hugs and love and prayers,
Scaredy Cat

Kitt, Scaredy Cat, Green Grove, thank you so very much for your thoughts and prayers.  My husband has a lot of growing up to do and he's pretty set in his ways, and I don't know how he feels about our marriage anymore.  He said that he won't go to another counseling session with me, but maybe I can convince him to anyhow (with God's help).  I believe the Lord wants me to wait and pray, and that's what I'm doing.  If we are meant to stay together, the Lord will make a way.  If not, then I will know that too. 

My goal is to go back to work, but I don't know if I can do it; I have panic attacks every time I even think about it or am confronted with it by my psychiatrist.  It may be that I am to be on disability instead of working.  I'm juggling all this and sometimes I just don't know what to pray except, "Lord, your will be done."  I am thinking about going to a church just a couple of miles from my parent's house, and they said they would go, too.  I will keep you updated on everything that goes on, and hopefully some good news will come instead of bad.  Again, I thank you bunches for your advice and prayers.  May all of you enjoy peace, joy and love in this Christmas season.  If there's any questions I left unanswered, please let me know and I will post again.

Camylou