I never really used to have an issue with this before in the past. I mean at times it would just be awkward if there was a long period of silence I guess, but now it absolutely drives me nuts. I cannot sit in silence, I have to either hear music or people talking at all times. I don't really know why this is, I'm assuming its because before I was completely comfortable with myself and my feelings/thoughts/etc and now I don't trust them so I get freaked out by myself? Weird stuff, I know....
I keep asking myself on a daily basis as well what am I doing. And I know this is a good question to ask ones self normally because it kind of puts things in perspective, but Ijust can't shake the feeling that I feel like I've completely lost myself. I struggle to even recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror, I used to know that guy....I don't feel like I do anymore. I'm at a completely different job, I'm driving a new car, I don't really have any of the same routines or habits that I used to, I don't really go out much because of the fear of my anxiety (and also the fear that I'll drink because thats something I would do when I would go out before my anxiety probs). And it's not that I would drink a lot when I would go out, I would just have a couple and be able to control myself and keep things in perspective, but I just know that it's a bad thing to do I've heard when you're in a bad way like this. Funny thing is though, I am seeing improvements in how I feel at times, but then at other times I just feel so completely hopeless again. It's like a rollercoaster and I'm just looking for the emergency stop button or something to get me off this thing.
One calming thing I managed to stumble upon today though was a documentary about the band Bon Jovi. It was pretty cool watching it, it was all about their problems as a band and how a lot of their depression/emotional problems almost tore their band apart. Jon himself was talking about how he believed it's such a psychotic lifestyle to go from a stage with 100,000 screaming fans to just go back to a hotel room where it's just himself and just try and relax and fall asleep after a show. Admitted to lots of nights staying up and needing a sleeping pill and booze to go to sleep. Another member of the band (which is who I relate to a lot) was talking about how he felt like he was normally the one that was holding everyoen together and was always having a good time, but then he felt out of nowhere like his life was all out of control and said he fell into a downward spiral. Started turning towards drinking and just isolating himself and felt like he was totally out of control for about a year or two. It's not something I Should be watching I guess since I spend just about every minute of everyday thinking of how bad I feel, but....misery does love company. And it feels good to know that maybe I'm not so nuts, maybe I'm just really really down n out.