Strength/Belief/Confidence/Frustration

Throughout this whole ordeal in the last 2 years I have really been struggling with the first 3 of the title of this post, strength, belief, and confidence.  I absolutely felt like I had ZERO control over what was happening to me and like I was just floatin through life without a clue as to how to change anything going on in it.  I have spent so many countless hours worrying about such ridiculous things.  Worrying about how am I driving right now, am I really here?  Am I in control?  When am I going to wake up from this?

I'm wheening off of my zoloft right now and I'm down to 25 mg every other day.  My focus is coming back A LOT.  I honestly don't know if that's because of me coming off of the zoloft or the fact that I finally am taking a stand.  I am, 100%, no longer backing down, hiding behing medicines, praying for an impossible cure, or anything like that.  I'm just being me, from now on.  If people don't like it, I can't help it.  I'm done trying to keep everything perfect, make everyone happy, do EVERYTHING perfect.  All it does is completely make me worse.

My production at work has gotten a lot better lately, except for today though.  I made a mistake that I'll more then likely get written up for, it was an honest mistake and I still think if I am able to look back through all my work for the day that I'll be able to find what happened.  I struggle with and am not good at conveying how I feel, or knowing what to say in the right situations.  Maybe it's just part of being 25, I don't know.  All I know is that my boss is belittling me and making these ridiculous comments, making me feel like I'm a 10 yr old again getting scolded by my parents.  I'm a grown man, I care about my job more then my boss will ever know, I care about success more then they will ever know.  I drove myself crazy for the last 3-4 hours caring and getting so mad about how they might look at me or think of me now.  Not that it really changed much, my boss doesn't seem to think that I care because when I make a mistake and she reprimands me I just remain as calm as I can and just soak it in.  That's my way of dealing with it.  I have a short fuse, and it's hard for me to control it sometimes.  Today when I was getting belittled I was SOOOO ANGRY, I wanted to just flip out so bad.  I can't do that at work though it would just end up terrible for everyone.  It just shocks me how some people can be so arrogant and so oblivious to how ridiculous their comments are.  How can you judge my drive, my attitude, my passion over a mistake that was made?  And then also judging my response to the "constructive criticism" for not saying anything as me not caring or showing them up.

Well after 3-4 hours of driving myself nuts, after thinking of everything from ways to get out of this job, to transfer to another job within the company, to looking into another career altogether....I've realized I'm just going to stay where I'm at at just stay true to me.  I'm not putting on a show for anybody, I know that's what my friends and family tell me to do because thats what helps you "move up".  I'm not that guy, I'm a straight shooter.  I can't fake it, I can't fake enthusiasm when I'm being put down like that.  So I'm just going to do my job the best I can possibly do it, and hopefully better then most.  I don't think I owe anyone anymore then that.  I'm friendly to everyone at work but me and the boss just seem to butt heads.  I don't know why, it's something I thought I'd be able to work on but I think there's just no shot at times.  I don't know if its a character flaw in me, or them.

Anyways, I'm chalking up these frustration/anger issues to the fact that I'm wheening off of the zoloft.  Maybe once I get off this stuff totally and get passed some of the dizzy spells/mood swings then everything will even out for me.  I'm taking multivitamins, b12 supplements, and fish oil now and trying to manage my anxiety naturally now. I'm committed to exercising for the past week and going to keep at it and try taking this on the natural way.  The way I dealt with it for the first 23 years of my life, no reason I feel I should need medicine now.

I know there's not really any questions in this post like I normally have.  It's just more or less me venting.  I was EXTREMELY frustrated over this all afternoon.  I hate feeling like I failed.  I try so darn hard to get it right and to do things my best, but 1 stupid mistake always overshadows everything else I've learned/done.  Really drives me nuts sometimes.

Thanks Scaredy, I appreciate the advice. You're right when you started asking is it just with me or is my boss that way with everyone else. My boss is that way with EVERYONE else actually, so I really shouldn't take it that personally. I just am really sensitive I guess, I don't like my ethics, my drive, my integrity being questioned or shot down. Actually, absolutely nothing else in life gets me more mad. I know I am a very driven person, and it really bothers me when someones tries to make a judgement or accusation at that. I have this annoying relentless drive to make something of myself, and it's like I need it RIGHT NOW. I just got this promotion to be full time at this job I'm at now and I'm already thinking/wanting/NEEDING another promotion. It's almost all I think about, is the next step. What's next, how can I get there, and how I can get there fast.

One thing I've decided to do though is to start going back to school part time, maybe take 1 class every semester, including classes during the summer/winter breaks and try and finish my 4 year degree. It's something I think I'd really be able to be proud of, and the fact that I don't have it and the fact that I've dropped out so many times has really ate at me, making me feel like a failure. I hate feeling down, like a failure. I'm so done acting/feeling this way. Time to go get whatever it is that I want and not let anything get in the way anymore.

It's a little scary though when I catch myself thinking about my attitude on these things. I used to always run/back away from opportunities that usually presented themselves. And now for the most part, I am beginning and committed to correct this. Running or backing down is no longer an option. It makes me feel like I'm a little out of control. But the out of control feeling is better then the helpless feeling. So I'm going to take this mindset and run with it, and see what happens.

Also, how long do you think I should take 25 mg every other day before I stop completely? I only have 2 pills left and that will only last me another week. I've been on every other day for a week now and I really don't feel like refilling the prescription.