I don't know what's wrong with me.

I really don't. At the moment it gets me down. I'm not depressed though, I have too many manic moments to be truly depressed. I tried to see a counsellor, but I just didn't feel I was achieving anything because each week there was something else wrong with me. Like, originally I went for depression, then the next week my insomnia was driving me crazy, and the week after I'd had an awful panic attack in class, so we were talking anxiety, and after that self harm and confusion, we reached hearing voices and slight hallucinations before we seemed to come back full circle, depression, anxiety, insomnia...

It was a lot of stress to simply talk about things that I've learnt to keep hidden so well.

But now I'm out of college, trying to find a job, and having a lot of problems at the place I volunteer. I could get away with a lot in college without a real explanation, but it won't work like that in the work place. I need to be able to say what's wrong with me.

I've only just started taking Bedranol, sort of a trial, and it half works. I feel calmer in general, I can manage on buses now, but I do jump a LOT more at sudden sounds or sensations, like someone bumping me on the street, and I'm panicking in the dark as I used to a few years ago. I've started using my night light again.

It's not a one off feelings. I've had panic attacks at pretty much every important event in my life, interviews, exams, one on one sessions with my tutors, and then the ones I get during classes or at the place I volunteer, or when i'm scared. Just recently I've had a handful where there has been no reason for them, they just happened. I can remember my very first, it was in an exam hall, and they told me after that it was okay because they weren't important exams. Which they were. They were only the difference between remaining in my top sets or starting my GCSE years right at the bottom.

I have a real fear of taking on a job I won't be able to cope with. I'd love to be able to just do something, but I've learnt to assume it will never be that simple.

I have another appointment in a week, and I think I may well ask to be re-referred.