PTSD and my reason why

I posted recently that I lived a very tragic adult life but was unsure as to how to explain why since it is a sensitive issue but maybe there is someone else out there who has a connection to situation like mine and can understand.

In 1989 a close family member shot 3 people, taking a woman's life. As usual when you chose that course in your life you ruin so many more lives than just your own. The guilt, shame and hurt left in the wake for others to deal with is enormous. I tried to help everyone else make it thru the pain and kept things going. I thought I was doing the right thing but I started having nightmares of being shot as well. They were really PTSD episodes and I continued my path of being strong and handling my families responsibilities. I never let on that I needed help and no one offered it. I went thru a high profile trial and community scrutiny of my families life and even lost my church. They said they couldn't be seen with us because they would lose their major donations. In the mean time I lost down to 96 pounds and wanted to distance myself from who I was related to. After some years of struggling, I went to his execution. That was of course the total wrong thing to do for me but I put my family first. I had no idea that my family mistook my strength for not caring about him and lost their love. Even my mother, friends,cousins, and my aunt. I was told by my team of doctors that I needed to leave the area in order to not relive this tragedy daily. My family thought I was abandoning them and hated me for it . Understand that this is a really simple version and overview of my life's events but now my mother, father, aunt, brother are dead. I live in another state with my husband and 2 service dogs.

I have learned a few things out of this, 1 - don't let anyone speak for you at such an important time in your life. Have your own voice and be true to yourself no matter what because after all is done, you have to live with your decisions. And 2 - if you need help, don't wait for others to offer it. Sometimes they think if you don't look sad your not. Get it yourself and don't wait around to do it either. Your body suffers with your mind. At 250 pounds now, I realize that. And last; There is no uncomplicated solution. In my life, I lost control of everything that was happening yet I kept trying to have control. I only hurt myself going after answers to questions that didn't have rational, good answers.

Well if anyone out there can relate to the loss of family and friends out of a tragic situation. Let me know if you have figured out how to be better from it. That is what I am dealing with now.

Thanks, Mess of a life.

 

Geeze MoaL, I can relate.

Sometimes there just isn't a right answer and we just have to let it go.

I know, it's hard not to think about all that has happened, impossible actually unless you can get a lobotomy.

I have no good memories of my family and these bad ones haunt me daily.

Life isn't fair. Some of us just get a bigger share of the C rap Pie.

Mess - Deep sigh. I have ptsd/anxiety/panic disorder. I have lost many ppl and those I thought were family n friends in this world and many more to the next one. Iam always blown away like I was 2day when I realize its still in there and has the incredible power after all this time - 26 yrs- to diminish me 2 a pile of sobbing and feeling like Im out of my body. Ive heard it said that death is only tragic 2 those of us who r left behind. Like u, I was the strong one who needed 2 get everyone else thru & pretended I didnt need help but I needeed it desperately. I cldnt believe no one else cldnt see it. My health was destroyed bit I wanted 2 b the 1 who took care of it all. I ended up @ 98 lbs n hospital cpl times. There were deaths violence and yes a murder. Im usually fine in that I dont think of those things much but like 2day when I had 2, I came apart. Still am. CANT STOP CRYING AND SHAKING. I HATE THIS. I DO UNDERSTAND MY FRIEND. HUGGZ