anxiety and eating disorders

i was hoping someone could give me some advice. i've started to flirt with being bulimic, and i don't want to be, have done a lot of research on it, told people i love...but no one understands/ can help. my perception of my body is normal and i am in my normal body weight range, but i turned to throwing up as a way to cope/ find control in chaos.

i can't control that i have ptsd and bipolar/ the diseases are so abstract and fluctuate. i can't control how i feel after therapy. i've been on 6 different medications. i can't control the horrible family environment/ relationships with people in my past, and i'm trying to juggle going to college as well. ...and then just recently, the last stable thing in my life was threatened and i turned to throwing up just like i did when i first learned i was bipolar.

i protect my teeth with retainers, protect my throat and fingers, don't binge (eat till i'm just full and usually binge on something semi healthy/ still get nurtition from the things i ate before.), and have researched/ listened in a class i'm taking about the disorder.

...but i still do it anyway. usually every other day. i've tried to stop, but i'm afraid i'll lapse again and i'm afraid i don't want to stop. the way my body feels afterwords is so good. there's so much of a release/i'm exhausted/ i can focus on that pain instead of my own. i know no one can force me to do one thing or the other, so i've been reaching out to people but no one's helped me or knows what to do.

i'm going to talk to my psychologist on weds. about it, but the weird thing is i'm not ashamed, sad, or guilty...it's more cold/ rational/ and dissociated.

can anyone give me ideas as to what to do, relate to me, help me find some other way of control? i understand in life there's a lot of things we can't control, but when you can't even control your own reflexes or perception of reality...that's when i personally begin to lose it. really appreciate any advice. oh, i respect peoples religious beliefs, but i personally am not religious and am not looking to be. i've been really burned by that and am just trying to heal so turning to a religion would be really overwhelming.

thanks for listening.

thanks for responding @stkitt. it was nice to be able to get advice and listen to someone that actually understands.
the thing that's strange is that i do love myself, accept myself for who i am and not what i look like. my perception of my body is normal. i'm fine with it. i didn't choose to flirt with being bulimic because of a body image or desire to lose weight. i'm turning to bulimia because my life feels out of control. nothing's stable and i can't take the chaos/ pain anymore. i'm using it as a form to relieve pain and as something that is constant/ to hold on to when everything else is going haywire. my sister thought i had body image problems too at first, but honestly, i've only binged and purged because i felt overwhelmed with life, pain, and unstableness.