I am so unbelievably happy that I found this site. I have never conjured up the courage to research these fears of being crazy because I was afraid to see results and afraid that by researching to see if I was crazy that would make me crazy!!
I research things to death- look up everything and everything I have ever felt. I always find something to be nervous about. More often than not it is a deep, dark feeling of becoming absolutely crazy and losing my mind. I don't know if anyone has ever seen the musical Next To Normal- but the lead woman goes through extreme bi-polar episodes and schitzo I think. She goes absolutely insane and nothing helps her. She sees images of her dead son and feels like she is falling and doesn't know when she is going to land. She cannot make sense of the world and is so far from reality. She tried medication, therapy, and even electric shock therapy... but absolutely NOTHING helps. I am so incredibly deeply afraid to end up like her that I feel like I am driving myself in her direction.
My first panic attack happened about 2 months ago. I was on vacation with my boyfriend. We both lived in Harlem at the time, and we had the WORST roommates ever. There were 5 of us living in this tiny apartment. I am a last semester Senior at Wagner College on Staten Island with a love for musical theatre- and at one point I ruled my school. I was the crap- but I left my tiny campus where everyone knew everything about everyone to living in Harlem in the Manhattan, where no one knows you nor wants to know you or even cares. It really took its toll on me. My panic attack occurred out of nowhere. I was in the DMV with my boyfriend when suddenly I felt all alone. The world became a shade of grey and extremely foggy- I felt far away and losing control (I have control issues) and I felt like no one could help me. I heard the noises around me but heard nothing and saw my beautiful boyfriend's face but saw NOTHING and I had to retreat to the bathroom where in my head, the world was swirling and nothing felt comfortable, right, or like it was ever going to be ever again. I left the bathroom and approached my bf and said I feel like I'm going crazy whereupon he answered that he didn't know what to do. I was terrified, I felt so distant from reality and calmness. I said jsut be here for me, give me a hug. I felt trapped, I literally felt like the world was closing in on me.
I talked myself down- but since then- absolutely NOTHING has been the same. I have had extreme anxiety ever since. Keep in mind, prior to that, I was the most confident, most happy person. But there was a series of traumatizing events that led up to that panic attack. Just to name a few:
1. I got kidney stones and for 4 weeks, my doctor was MIA and would not tell me what was wrong, so for FOUR weeks I felt like I was going to die and had NO idea what it was. This is what started my paranoia. Even after I found out it was stones I felt a slight pain occasionally and would immediately think I was going to die. I was paranoid, and afraid.
2. The roommate situation and living in Harlem. I would come home from my 5 day a week unpaid internship and lock myself in my room because I was too uncomfortable to be with my other roommmates and watch movies... all alone until my boyfriend came back.
3. I stopped doing theatre, and I am darn good at it. But its what I always loved and it was driving me crazy to be in an office 5 days a week, in a back corner, doing nothing but checking facebook waiting for notifications..
4. I lost contact with my best friends. I felt regret and sad because I never saw them anymore.
Upon other things, these are some of the things I went through prior to my attack. I am also losing my hair- I am almost bald now and I feel ugly (even though I know I am not) and I know there is NOTHING i can do about it. Not to mention I am paying for my 45,000 dollar a year school completely on my own. When i finally graduate, I will be over 2000000 in debt.
Since then, I have moved home with my boyfriend. I have researched and researched anxiety and depression. I see a therapist now, which I pay for by working 12 hours on Sundays at Pizza Hut. I only have one day off a week. I also try and see my friends as much as I can but now I feel so insecure beacuse I am not around enough to get their jokes and feel like a part of something that I cannot even enjoy it. I still manage to put on a happy face at times, but meanwhile, my wheels are turning and I feel anxious and tired ALL THE TIME.
My mom gave me xanax, because anxiety runs in my family. I also try and smoke because it gives me a reason to think the world is crazy. I am afraid to take medication because I dont wanna go through withdrawel and of the sexual side affects. Now, I over think EVERYTHING. I feel lost, and confused so much of the time. It is almsot as if I am high all the time, where nothing makes sense but without the comfort of knowing I am on a drug. Now I am absolutely terrified that I am losing my mind because things don't really make sense anymore. My therapist tells me its called existentialism, but I feel so lost and the world seems so hazy. I continue to question why I am here, why I do the things I do, and why people do the things they do. This only terrifies me more because I am ABSOLUTELY terrified to lose touch with reality when all I do is question it to begin with. Has anyone else felt this way. I feel so terrified all the time. My boyfriend and mother tell me its because I am exhausted, but I drink 2 cups a coffee and take a xanax and the world still seems hazy. I don't know what I am looking for, but things seem very far away.
I do not see or hear things, but I am so afraid that these feelings of being lost and confused lead to becoming schitzo and just insane... and I am afraid to research it because I am afraid to see the results. As you can tell, Im am wound soo tightly and obviously over think. I can still laugh occasionally, but then I question why I did it right afterwards. Fear is holding me prisoner... and I don't know what I can do to set me free. I took a xanax and drank coffee today, which usually helps, but I am still anxious.
That was a lot- I havent drank in weeks with my friends because I am afraid it will intensify my sadness and guilt. Maybe someone else can relate.
Thanks for reading!!!
*post edited as per rule #1-anxiety/panic forum rules
Post Edited By Moderator (Scaredy Cat) : 4/15/2011 1:38:24 PM (GMT-6)