Posted 6/2/2011 5:06 PM (GMT 0)
I really don’t know what to do anymore. Even my therapist and psychiatrist are both at a loss at what to do with me. My condition has reached a point beyond which I can handle. I am waking up every morning in a panic. My body is shaking, heart is pounding, hands and feet are cold and I can’t breathe. I can’t get out of bed until 12 or 1 and spend the rest of the day in a trance with intense anxiety. My psychiatrist has prescribed me ativan, klonopin and valium each as needed and I have tried them in different combinations, but none of them even reduce the intense anxiety even a little. I spend my whole day on the couch crying until I go back to sleep.
I don’t know what to do. It’s my summer vacation and I was hoping that I could finally get a break from the 10 months of NON-STOP, 24-hours-a-day stress during the school year. I am so much worse. I have the aforementioned panic attacks, the overwhelming anxiety, I vomit any food I eat (when I can eat), I break into hysterics whenever I think/encounter my failure at being able to socialize with others and how badly they treat me. I can’t watch TV or go online because I will see something (a random word or picture) and I’ll end up crying hysterically. Even after talking on the phone with my cousin the other day, I suddenly became hysterical and kept vomiting. I become even more depressed and anxious when I think about all the things I want to do (ie. read, draw), but can’t because of all this. My OCD has also spiked. My panic increases if I don't do certain things, like do specific rituals before bed or say certain words every time I go into new room or check if the light switches work. It has never been this bad. I have also become very paranoid. The couple times I went outside in the past month alone, I've been deathly afraid someone would kidnap me or that someone is coming after me. When I was in line at the store, I kept eyeing everyone because I felt they were all planning to mug me. I'm scared of opening my window, among other things.
I’ve seen a number of different therapists and none of them have helped. They all gave me the worst advice and only made me worse. I have been pushed me to move away from my family, even though last time I lived on my own I nearly killed myself. I was told I needed to make friends (I have none) and until I do, I won’t recover from my anxiety and depression. I have been intensively trying to make friends with no success (people never call/text back and ignore me) and it has resulted in a number of nervous breakdowns. I have been told that my life is abnormal for a 24-year-old and that I need to be out all the time, which has led to be me being in some dangerous situations. I now constantly worry about how I’m still in college, never had a boyfriend, no friends, can’t drive, etc. and that I am screwing up these “best years of my life.”
I’ve been through 30-40 different meds and with no change. On some, I stopped sleeping, on others I couldn’t wake up and would fall asleep in class. Some gave me tremors, or migraines, or dizziness/fainting, or rapid heartbeat, or forgetfulness or hallucinations. I have not been on ONE medication that hasn’t given me at least 3 symptoms. My body doesn’t tolerate meds and I’ve only get worse.
I don’t know what to do with myself with this intense spike in my condition because I haven’t had a moment’s peace in a month. I am constantly in this state of panic that won’t go down and I am at my wits' end.