Hibee's Story.

Hi All

I have not been posting on the board as much as I used to and have noticed that there are a lot of new members that I have not met who are posting. I would like this opportunity tom say hello to you all and that you have found a really great forum were you will meet people who can relate to what you are going through. Anxiety is a horrible thing to deal with and I would like to post my story as it may help others in some way.

I am 36yrs old and have suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember but did not address my issues until I was 33 and looking at things now wish I had spoken out a lot sooner rather than trying my best to ignore the issues I was having with mental health.

When I was growing up I always felt different to my peers but did not no what was going on and why I was feeling so anxious all the time. I struggled all through school and at a later date discovered this was down to me having dyslexia. When I was at school nothing was known about dyslexia so I was just labeled as thick and used to get bullied because of this by other kids at school. My teacher used to get me to sit at the back of the classroom at a desk which looked out of a window onto the playground and got me to do jig saws whilst all the others were learning how to read ect etc. This resulted in me having no confidence or self esteem which I have never really got back.

I hated school with a passion and was often in tears before and after school. At that point I was dealing with massive amounts of anxiety and became very withdrawn and I struggled to interact socially and found it hard to relate to people and a lot of people said I was shy when really I was just struggling mentally. This cycle continued throughout my school years.

Because of the dyslexia and the lack of support from school I left school with below average results. My parents did understand that something was not quite right and did get me a private teacher which came to my house after school and helped me loads. When I left school I got myself onto a college access course in sports and recreation which was great as I love sport and some would say I am a gifted sportsman as I can do most sports at a high standard.

I was still struggling with massive amounts of anxiety I was 17 at this point. Looking back this is when I started to avoid things like social gatherings etc etc because I new my anxiety would be bad so rather that put myself through that I would just not put myself in situations were I would be anxious. Little did I know that all I was doing was creating a very complexed coping strategy which is still playing a big part in my life today. I started to develop compulsive behaviors and became very cautious of others and had a lot of anger and could not handle any sort of criticism as it made me feel depressed.

I passed my access course which felt great at the time and managed to get my self a place at college doing a diploma course. This was a 2 year course but I ended up doing it in 3 years due to my dyslexia I worked really hard and did start to get some of my confidence back and started to feel good about life again. When I completed my diploma I felt on top of the world as it was the first real achievement in my life. I was 21 when I left college and went onto find a job in the city were I lived at that time. My anxiety was less at this period but little did I know that the anxiety was going to raise its ugly head again with vengeance.

I quickly became aware that my anxiety was getting worse again and I was getting depressed because of this I was still struggling socially and finding at hard to relate to people. I began to self medicate as I found when I drank alcohol my anxiety seemed to go completely and I was able to socialize my problem was that it turned out I have quite an addictive personality and I began to drink more frequently to the point I was necking 5 pints in my lunch break and then continued to drink after work. I also began to use street drugs along with the alcohol and did not see a problem with this as it was my way of coping with the world. This continued until I was 28 when I found myself in a real mess the alcohol and drugs were now having the complete opposite effect and were making may anxiety and depression a hell of a lot worse I was well and truly in a black hole. I new I had to do something and with help from my parents decided I needed a life change.

I retrained and got myself into the career I am now doing which was something I loved. I stopped the street drugs when I was 28 but continued to use alcohol but not to the same extent. Things were slowly looking better again I was in a good job and started to build my confidence again and although I still struggled socially my anxiety seemed more manageable during this period but I was still stuck in the cycles of avoidance but had just learnt to live with this.

When I was 31 I developed an illness which affected all my joints and I had an extended period of work and became very depressed very quickly. I was sent to see occupational health when I returned to work and they asked me the question how do you feel mentally. No one had ever asked me that before and I told the truth that I was feeling depressed and anxious she said I should go and speak with my doctor which I did. My doctor was very understanding and concluded that I was depressed and prescribed me Prozac she also referred me to my local mental health team were I was diagnosed with the conditions listed in my signature at the bottom of this post.

The guys at the mental health team were really nice and understanding and I was given the opportunity to do some talk therapy CAT which I found very useful and started to learn coping techniques for my anxiety things were on the up again. I was also getting great support from friends and family at this time. I also discovered healingwell and started to post here regularly and found it a great help as I was able to speak to others who could relate. I also found it good that I could help others by replying to their posts and giving them support. I also did CBT and as a result was able to deal with the anxiety a lot better and was confronting it head on.

Over this period I was prescribed various medication to help aid my anxiety and depression and I was feeling really positive about life. I took the decision that I would disclose my mental health to my employer as I felt this would be useful information for them and also able them to give me more support. What a mistake since that point I have been subjected to stigma, bullying and harassment and now discrimination as I have lost my job because of this.

I am at a low point again but I know I can get myself sorted it just means I have been set back and will need to start again. I will do this by setting myself goals and just try and take one day at a time. I think in a way my anxiety and depression has made me a stronger person and I know I will be faced with these battles in my life but having looked back on my story I can see that I have got better and I know I can do it again.

If you have read my post thanks, I hope it shows that just because we have anxiety to deal with that does not mean we can not beat the anxiety and get it to a level were it does not intrude on our life as much. I have accepted that I will have anxiety all my life and I will have set backs but we have to stay focused and work at get better which is hard I know but we can all do it.

Take Care All

Hibee

Ben,

It takes courage to share ones life story, and it can leave the author feeling vunlerable as they await for replies.

I am honoured to read your life story, and proud that you had the guts to submit this, I humbly thankyou for sharing

Hi

Thanks for your replys guys. I think that every one is set challenges in life but it seems people with mental health problems have more to overcome than the average person. Because our disability is hidden we are subjected to stigma and discrimination. When you tell someone you have a mental health problem a lot of people asume you are crazy and do not know how to approach the subject.

I think it is important to talk and get these issues out in the open and break the stigma. Having written my story although a breif description I have found it helpful and hope it lets others see that whatever you come up against you can make it through, It may be a slow process but keep fighting. It is quite easy when you are having a rough time to let things cave in around you and I have been guilty of this at the moment. I recieved two emails today from members here (you know who you are) that made me realise that I can beat this and I have to carry on the fight and not make the same mistakes I have done in the past.

Awty thanks for taking the time to read my post and I hope all is well with you.

And to my two freinds you have inspired me to keep going and I can not thank you enough.

Ben