PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!

Hey everyone... it has been a while since i have written anything... but let me give you a quick background of whats going on in my life.

In January I had kidney stones... I am a 21 year old recent college graduate fyi... and for about 4 weeks during the time I had my kidney stones the doctor went on vacation and did not tell me what was wrong... so for four weeks I seriously thought i was dying. I thought I had cancer, my kidney was going to explode, i had appendicitis, etc. I am a slight hypochondriac, so it only made things worse. When I finally found out i really had kidney stones and i wasn't dying, it wasn't enough and for weeks after i passed them, i still thought i had something wrong with me. I would check my temperature every hour, get hot flashes, random pains, etc.

Then... in March, I had my first panic attack. I think it was a combination of being stressed about graduation, loans, fear of dying, as well as other minor personal problems. But the attack essentially came out of nowhere. It scared me to death, and ever since, it has been a constant spiral downward with these fears:

1. Am i going crazy?
2. Are things real?
3. Am I depressed?
4. Am I going to love my mind?
5. Should I go to the mental hospital?
6. Am I schitzo?

As well as other irrational fears. My therapist(s) says I have severe OCD with slight depression. Now here comes the worst thing. The last two weeks I have had extreme thoughts about . This constant thought has made everything 100 times worse to the point where I actually feel like I may be . . I have told everyone i know about this, because I almost want them to save me. I absolutely refuse to go on medication because I want the problem solved not masked and I definitely do not want it to give me that little push to actually do it.  I believed that I could snap out of this for months, but nothing has worked. I graduated in May, and now I have been meandering around, without a purpose, just basically doing absolutely nothing. I could easily get a job, but now I am debating on if I even want to. I debate on if I want to actually do anything. My most recent panic attacks have been oh my god I want to die I want to die... why am I thinking this way WHY AM I THINKING THIS WAY.

I was extremely drunk when I had my last attack.... and while that was only a week ago, I have not drank since then, but the thoughts have only gotten worse. I lived with my boyfriend for the entirety of all of this (aka since January). And now he is gone... he moved to ohio for the summer to do an acting gig.

I have never in my life been more afraid of myself. Recently, I have not been focusing on the are things real and am i crazy thoughts and moved on to the thoughts. I get even more depressed when I think about it. But i cannot tell if these thoughts are just my OCD or ifl. i have talks with my parents and boyfriend daily about this, but nothing seems to make me shake this feeling. I started exercising again and trying to start planning jobs and interviews, but I also have this OCD that nothing will ever snap me out of this. That almost nothing will ever be good enough. I am terrified of these thoughts and both sounds comforting and extremely extremely extremely, if not more, distressing. I have a great life on paper. Amazing family, incredible family, I am good looking, college graduate, very talented... but why would I want tol myself? Am i THAT depressed that I actually want to do it? The easy answer is no... but I feel like its more complicated than that. I am so confused,f. I have gotten so bad that every time I say goodbye or goodnight to my loved ones, it almost feels like I am saying goodbye to them for the last time, and i get so sad. so so so so sad. I just don't want to think this way anymore... but i absolutely have NO idea how to snap out of it!! I cannot focus almost at all anymore, and get the feeling of I want to cry almost all the time because of these thoughts. The worst part is I have NO idea what is causing these thoughts. I cannot securely say or  It is terrifying!!!!

Please someone say they have gone through this and that it is okay. Please someone offer me some advice. I don't know what to do anymore!!

Thank you for reading.

Signed, with fear,
Anthony

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 6/19/2011 8:53:42 AM (GMT-6)

Hi ARocco.

Good to meet you and glad you have found this forum. Sorry to here you are going through such a tough time at the moment with your OCD/Anxiety. I have asked all the same questions of myself as you put in your post and I can tell you that you will get through this.

My advise would be to go and speak with your doctor and tell them how you are feeling and they will be able to offer you some advise. When you are dealing with high levels of anxiety and things are not going to well in your life things can seem against you and you can not see a way out. I have felt like this in the past and I am having a tough time myself at the moment. It is very important to ask for help in these situations as it makes things harder if you try and deal with them on your own.

I know you said that medication is not for you and thats fine some people decide it is best for them and others decide not to go down that route. What I found was that I needed to address the issues/triggers to my anxiety. I did take the option of medications and found they did help the symptoms but did not address the underlying issues which were very complex in my situation. I did something called CBT which is a talk therapy which helped me to realise what was making me feel anxious and then taught me ways to deal with those better.

You can get through this and we are here to support you so do keep posting and let us know how you are getting on we do care for the members here. If you are feeling like you cant cope do please contact a helpline and talk things over with them.

Take Care of you.

Hibee