Anxiety+Eating Disorder threatening. Not sure where to put this.

Hey everyone,

I'm not active on here by any means. I unfortunately find that reading too many posts triggers me. I've been here before for help with my anxiety though and I remember this being an incredibly helpful, supportive forum.

I've had anxiety problems since I was a kid and I finally got a handle on them. That's not completely the problem right now.

The problem is that, beginning three years ago, I started going back and forth with anorexia. I was never full-on Anorexic. The worst I did was lose 7lbs in 3 weeks. Considering I went from 110 to 103lbs, though, it's a bit more significant, but it's still not awful. After that I got a hold of it. Since then though, I have been terrified of going over 105lbs. I am a small-boned 19 year old female. 5'7".

I recently hit 106, and more recently 107. I hate myself for it. I desperately want to lose 3-4lbs but I don't have the same self control I used to have. The rational part of me KNOWS 106 is still underweight even though I have a small build. But I can't help hate myself for gaining that weight. I more hate that I lack the self control to lose it. That is the real problem. And I don't know what it stems from. A lot has changed in my life recently, and it might be from needing control?

I don't want to write a novel. I'm not going to make anyone read that. I'm mad at myself for not having the self control to push my weight down to what is supposedly an unhealthy level, but that's where I feel safe. It's where I feel powerful and in control. 104-105lbs. I'd say a smaller number but I've never had the self control to go lower. I know it sounds stupid. I know it IS stupid. But I don't know where to start to fix it, mainly because there is a part of me telling me not to fix it.

Any words of advice are so, so greatly appreciated.

Equestrian

Good Morning,

I read a quote by an anorexic that went something like this, " I have a strong desire to be well liked and well perceived by others.  This desire became unhealthy and manifested itself in my physical appearance.  I felt like other people saw me as fat even though I knew I wasn't fat I became obsessed with it".

It feels to me, Equestrian, that you are most likely obsessing about your weight and your image.  Please know you are a kind and caring person and what is inside i as important as how you look on the outside.  Perhaps seeing a therapist who could help you learn to be comfortable with your body image would help. 

Take care and keep on talking with us.

Kindly,

Kitt