Hey guys, long time no see. I've been posting up on the depression forums for awhile now because I felt for awhile that I wasn't really dealing with anxiety but that it was depression. Now I'm starting to think that it's more anxiety? I don't know, I just keep thinking that I'm NOT okay and that's probably the root of my problem. Although I just have seemed to completely have lost the ability to feel like I am ok.
I function and am able to do my job at work just fine everyday. I'm keeping my social life with my friends intact as much as I can but yet I still can't seem to shake this feeling of how out there I am. How my mind is constantly just spacing out and thinking of the most ridiculously stupid and strange things. Most of these problems really show themselves when I'm alone, while I'm watching tv and just wondering why I am just so completely zoned in on the tv like my eyes are locked and focused on it, then I think that that must be a stare of someone who is a psycho or a sociopath so then I look away and try to distract myself. Then I realize how ridiculous I am being and go back to watching tv, then I stop myself again and go through the same ridiculous cycle over and over.
I don't know why the idea of me being a sociopath ever entered my head and honestly, I really don't even know what one is. I just know when you watch movies or wahtever they describe them as some crazy psycho which I feel like I am although I have absolutely no thoughts of hurting/harming/disrespecting anybody. I just feel that way because of the blank/empty feeling. You read in articles or see on tv a lot people who have these absolutely empty emotions are the ones who normally do all of these messed up things. Some of them do it for pleasure, and I worry that some of them do it to just feel something. I don't have any of these impulses but it's just the retarded fear that I'm going to get so fed up with living this monotonous (and what SEEMS like, although I know it's not) pointless existence.
I'm continuosly trying to move up in the company I'm at and have an interview set up for next week for a job promotion. Everyone at my job says I'm doing a pretty good job and that I should have a good shot at it. I'm hoping it works out, atleast that will solve some of my financial problems. I do worry though that I'm not ready for the jump up in responsibility. Although I am very sure of my job description and have been able to develop a confidence in the field I'm in now, I just still don't feel right on a personal level.
It just feels like I'm floating through everyday without really much emotion, besides aggravation I guess. And I'm not really the type of guy to say anything or actively ask for help unless things get really bad. Which they have 2 years ago but now I feel like I'm just back to the point before my "breaking point" 2 years ago. That functionally depressed/anxious person who just is able to do enough things to take care of himself, but is completely lost and miserable. I'm hoping one of these days I figure out exactly what it is I want out of life and maybe actually start being more active. I just haven't felt energized or enthusiastic about something in so long, I'm not quite sure if that's ever going to come back.
You guys think these thoughts/worries/feelings are normal for anxiety? I question my sanity everyday and just tell myself it's alright and that I'm just obsessing over having a serious mental illness.