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Posted 7/5/2011 5:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hee hee, sorry but I wanted to get your attention.  No there are no 'buts' about it, I do love you guys and find your empathy and support invaluable.  I only wish that my husband could understand how I feel and what it is like to deal with anxiety.

I won't go into a ton of detail, but just suffice to say that (God bless him) he is the most mentally healthy person I have probably ever met...and I both love and hate him for it, Lol.  It is a wonderful thing until you realize that the flip side of his strength is that he is totally clueless when it comes to understanding my experiences and struggles.

While I have come a loooooooong way, and am still working on improvement, he is obviously getting tired of dealing with the issues and wants me to 'snap out of it' (my words)

He is kind and supportive to a point, but really doesn't understand, or care to. 

Do any of you have similar stories (preferrably with happy endings-lol)  How did you make it work?

Thanks for listening friends, and I look forward to your words of wisdom:)

Scaredy Cat

Posted 7/5/2011 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
SC,

I understand you completely................living with a wife with a 29 year history of Anxiety/Depresion my husband has a extremely difficult time understanding why I put my self in a position that causes me anxiety......some days the whole world causes me to feel anxious.

I really did very well until 2005 when everything crashed down around me. He has tried to understand and support but dealing with this and not understanding it has brought me to the same place you are.

I had an indepth conversation with my Pdoc re lack of support and understanding from my husband and my adult children.  She informed me that I could not look to them to be my support person as they cannot do it............her exact words on my discharge instructions that day were, " Your Family Loves You " and "You Will Get Better". 

I am so desperately lonely that I just can't bear it at times, and my heart is broken because I feel like my life is passing me by. I am in tears as I write this. I cry alone as my family gets upset when they see tears and want to know what is wrong ?

I believe in the Jimi Hendrix song, "The Burning of the Midnight Lamp," where he says, "Loneliness is such a drag." People need to share their lives with others. People weren't meant to be alone like this.

It seems like friends enter and exit my life like blips on a radar screen, but nothing ever seems to last. I always thought my husband was my best friend and he would be my rock.............when it comes to mental health issues he just gets angry and frustrated and does tell me I need to help myself.

What's more I'm scared of what the future holds. I am scared to death that my dreams are dying. I had dreams that meant so very much to me, but they seem delusional now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a ghost that some people can't see. I feel like I'm invisible. The truth is I am a person with anxiety and depression and I need friends that can accept me as I am and family that can help me when I am down as well as when I am feeling good.

I am a person with Anxiety and Depression.  I need people in my life ......I need my husband. 

Kindly,

Kitt

 

Posted 7/5/2011 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hello SC and SK,

I am sorry to learn that you are both feeling a terrible lack of emotional support from your families, particularly your respective husbands. I am sure the majority of us dealing with anxiety and/or depression can relate to a lack of understanding on the part of our family and friends.

People have trouble comprehending what they cannot see or have not themselves experienced. When a loved one is suffering from a seemingly invisible pain for a prolonged amount of time, it can be frustrating to the person who wants to make the hurt go away but cannot. They get upset that they are presented with a problem they cannot fix and lose patience with the person dealing with the anxiety/depression/etc.

I do not believe any one person can be our sole emotional support. We are a high-maintenance lot;) and anyone who enters into a long-term friendship/relationship with us is a special sort of person indeed. However, they are no more perfect than we are and I can understand how they would grow tired. I think it is important to show them the same empathy and understanding we have come to expect from them and learn to expect dips in their ability to buoy us.

Living with various forms of anxiety/depression can get very lonely, even when surrounded by people. But we have a wonderful community here to help support and understand our struggles; not to mention wonderful moderators who always take the time to respond to our queries and offer us their sage advice and positive encouragement:) Online support is not the same as getting support from those physically surrounding us, but it should not be discounted either. Having 'met' a number of members through the forum/chat, I have found the advice and understanding I have received invaluable.

It is important that we get the support we need from a variety of sources and not expect it to come from any one person. Anxiety/depression is our burden to shoulder and we should endeavour to become own support person. While it is comforting to have friends around us to keep us afloat when we tire, it is our responsibility to learn how to swim and build our endurance; otherwise, we may drown everyone with us.

Humans were not meant to live alone, and if we feel loneliness it is often of our own construct. I do not mean to imply that it is an easy obstacle to overcome; only that it is within our own power to overcome it. I think when we get overwhelmed by anxiety/depression, we forget how much we are truly capable of and instead of changing our swimming technique to go with the current, we expect someone to pass by in a life boat and pluck us out of the water to safety (sorry for all the swimming imagery - I think I miss the beach;)).

Kitt, I too fear that life is passing me by and that dreams I once held dear are just that: dreams. And they will remain that way unless I work at them and I will and I believe you can too, Kitt. One of these days, despite or perhaps to spite, my anxiety/agoraphobia/depression, I will go to Australia (I'm in Canada) and I will surf there (must be where all my water imagery is coming from, lol!).

Perhaps I have an easier time accepting lack of support because I am not a people-person and therefore expect very little from others (although I do appreciate when my expectations are surpassed - thank you HW members!)

I apologize for the long post. It was probably neither very helpful nor what you wanted to hear - I think I was selfishly being my own support person by trying to talk my way out of my own stupor.

Thank you for the opportunity to ramble my ramblings...

Best of luck to both of you and to all dealing with the same (at the very least, we can support each other:)),

DarkWolf
Posted 7/5/2011 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
To All Of You,

How beautifully put!  Good points made by all.  I am going to take a defensive for the spouses that we feel will never understand us, as correctly stated above how can you expected someone to relate to something that they have never experienced?  When I put myself into my/your spouses shoes, this is what I see:

Never ending whining about problems/feelings

Self medicating when the outcome is as sure as the sun rising

Setting ourselves up repeatedly by doing too much, promising more than we can deliver, expecting all to go our way so we will feel better

Thinking that our feelings are more important than anyone elses and our problems worse than anyone elses

Drama that never stops, 24/7

No wonder we are anxious and depressed, we are probably exhausted!

Now before you get mad at me, know that I have done (still do at times) all of the above, I could go on and on but I think you get the point.

There is an old saying that states "Bloom Where You Are Planted", meaning if at the moment, you are not living your dream, do not have the job you want, life in general is just not smooth, try and be happy where you are right now, because life can change in an instant and you just might discover that right here, right now is not that bad.

Love To All tongue

Gem

Posted 7/5/2011 8:01 PM (GMT 0)
Thank guys...you know I think that it does have to do with our loved one's frustration over not being able to do anything to change the situation. When they can't 'fix' us, it brings about negative feelings for them as well. They may feel failure, helplessness, ect...

The funny thing is though, I don't want or need him to fix me. I just need to be able to 'freak-out' or cry occasionally (o.k. more than the average person probably) without him reacting with anger/digust.

I don't look to him to make me feel better...I just don't need to feel worse! I end up trying to hide my feelings/anxiety because it makes him react in such a negative way. It's hard feeling like a 'mental case' in my own home...the one place that I should feel safest.

The thing is, I am so good at the masquerade. If and when I share my disorder with others they don't believe me, or think I'm joking around. So you can imagine how much I feel like a shaken soda can sometimes.(look out she's gonna blow Pssssssssfffffffffttttttttssssssssss)

I think that I might buy a book for him. I asked him to get one and read up on it before, but I'm not sure that he followed through. What do you think? Any suggestions? Is there one specifically that anybody knows about for loved ones of A/P sufferers?

Thanks againg DW and Kitt. I am praying that you feel better Kitt-Katt, and I can see you hangin' ten on your long board DW:)

We will get there.
S.C.
Posted 7/5/2011 8:05 PM (GMT 0)
PG, we were posting @ the same time:) Thanks for the input, it does help to see it from both sides, and to keep everything in perspective

Thanks,
S.C.
Posted 7/5/2011 8:11 PM (GMT 0)
Cat, dueling posting............

Why don't you buy your husband a book about something he is interested in?

Gem

Posted 7/5/2011 10:40 PM (GMT 0)
Great input from all and I have taken to heart all that is written here.  :-)

SC, I believe I must be your much older sister..............we seem to be on the same page.  I do not expect my husband or my adult children to fix me but feeling that my dx causes them to become angry with me is painful.  My husband also gets angry and will yell at me.

First and foremost, realizing that anxiety/depression is the foe, not your spouse seems the best way to deal with mental health dx.  Developing a "we" instead of an "I" approach to mental health treatment  is vital. A good recovery motto might be best summed up from the cartoon, Bob the Builder: "Can WE do it? Yes WE can!"

My hubby has Crohn's ( 35 years) We have always worked as a team in battling his Crohn's.  Being with someone who suffers anxiety attacks can be frustrating, I understand this.  Realizing that your spouse would quickly change if he or she could no matter what the problem is, Crohn's Disease or Anxiety/Depression, is compassion.

 

Kindly,

Kitt

Posted 7/6/2011 1:40 AM (GMT 0)
Nothing I can add, but I do want to say this thread has touched my heart... all the perspectives are so valid and meaningful... I really value all four of you; the insights you have and the sharing you bring. Thank you.
Posted 7/6/2011 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks LW, and let me say that you are a welcome addition here as well. I am glad that you feel comfortable here and are continuing to post:)

Kitt, I would be proud to call you sister! I know that you and Lynn used to refer to each other that way, and while I would never attempt to try to replace what you guys shared, I do like the idea of 'sissies':)

Keep posting on this, anybody, if you have had similar circumstances, or struggles. If you have any words of wisdom...great...or post just to vent a little in a constructive way.

Thanks all,
S.C.
Posted 7/7/2011 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi S.C

You have had some great input from others. I have found that some of my family have really struggled with how to deal with my anxiety and could not see how it has affected my life so much. It has caused a lot of friction with some members of my family but I think for some it takes a long to come to terms with and understand what is going on with a family member who has mental health issues.

I can say now that I do feel supported by all my family members bur it has taken a long time to feel this way but it is good to know that I can be more open regarding my anxiety/depression. I also have some very understanding friends who no when I am struggling and can help me out. It must be hard for my family and friends as due to my Aspergers Syndrome I find it difficult to relate to people which causes me all sorts of problems but that support network has been great.

This is why HW is a good place to come as you can speak with others who can relate to what you are going through and give support and advise.

Ben
Posted 7/8/2011 4:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hibee...missed you!!!!!!!!!!! I know that you are going through a lot right now, and it's hard to post somtimes when you're feeling low, but I do want you to know that you were missed:)

Thanks for your input. Maybe time will help. This is fairly new for me-within the last few years, so it's new for him too. I will try to be patient.

I hope that things are going as well as possible with you...e-mail anytime if you want to update/catch up:)

S.C.
Posted 7/9/2011 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry about that. But since he's never actually experienced such a feeling, then he can't really understand your situation.

"I know how you feel." Those words can always make me feel so much better when it's coming from a person who actually means it.

With my anxiety, my mom always replies with, "What are you nervous about?" She doesn't understand because she's never experienced such a feeling for a long period of time.
Posted 7/9/2011 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
Empathy, literally "in feeling", is the capability to appreciate, understand, and accept another person's emotions. Showing empathy genuinely is one of the most important interpersonal skills that anyone must master.

Kindly

Kitt

Posted 7/9/2011 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, all true...thanks guys:)

And welcome Lothlorien, thanks for the reply. Please feel welcome here, we love new members. Post anytime with a question or sharing...you can also feel free to start your own thread of introduction if you would be comfortable doing so.

Hope to hear more from you,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 7/10/2011 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
Been getting alot of anxiety lately. And it helps to be able to come on here and talk about it. You guys have been very helpful and caring to me and i appreciate it. I try to talk to my family or friends about it but they just dont understand why im like this and dont take it seriously. I live with my 2 aunts and cousin, and my one aunt has barretts esophagus, the other has copd and wont stop smoking and my cousin smokes like a chimney. My one aunt is on ssi. And the other one works. I get yelled at everyday to get a job and that im lazy. Im sick but they think im making it up. And i just got a list of yardwork to do that involves bending over alot. I cant take it! They are so uncompassionate. Its going to suck. Nite time is the worst 4 me. My mind is always racing and my breathing sucks whenever i try and sleep.
Posted 7/10/2011 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
Gene,

It sounds like you are outnumbered..........but please do not let that stop you.  Set boundaries on how much work you can do in a day.  Trying to explain to family members has not worked for me because when I have a run of good days they think I am all ok and when the anxiety strikes they tell me to stop worrying and get on with life.............That is why I have a therapist.  I may have to pay for therapy but she helps me keep my head on straight and to give myself permission to take care of me first.

I hope you do not let these relatives take advantage of you. 

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Posted 7/11/2011 1:15 AM (GMT 0)
Yes i am outnumbered and it really sucks. I am going to do a little work through out the day. Im about to give up trying to explain it to my family. I cant get a job, no one is going to hire me and physically i really cant do that much anymore. My health is very important to me, and im not going to kill myself over yardwork. They will have to learn to take my illnesses seriously. I hope sooner rather than later. Because i dont have alot of energy to do anything and its going to be a long tough road ahead.
Posted 7/15/2011 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
Bump for members
Posted 7/16/2011 4:42 AM (GMT 0)
Bump coz it looks like great fun and I'm bored hahaha
Posted 7/16/2011 4:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi LW, if you're bored, why don't you go on chat? I might go on for a bit after I get my daughter to bed. It looks as if there are at least two people in A/P room at the moment:)
S.C.
Posted 7/16/2011 7:24 AM (GMT 0)
thanks for that. I did go in and I ended dragging dot and bek out to play literati with me :) I had a fun arvo :)

turn I won't become a nuisance bumper! I promise! turn
Posted 7/16/2011 3:34 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds fun;) I was too tired, but maybe I'll catch the next one...I've gotta warn you though i keep a dictionary next to my computer, and am not adverse to cheating;p
S.C.
Posted 7/17/2011 5:45 AM (GMT 0)
haha, you are most welcome cheating or not :D
Posted 7/21/2011 1:27 PM (GMT 0)
My husband didn't really understand, until he started having panic attacks. Now he gets it! He still annoys me sometimes though. He always asks me how I'm going to get someplace if the obvious answer would be the thruway. I won't take the thruway and he knows it. He isn't helping me by doing that.
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