Hi all,
It is my first time posting, I have read many of the posts and have offered great insight.
Here’s my life over the last 8 weeks any advice would be helpful.
I have recently separated from my fiancé of 6 years, my soul mate the person that I could look into their eyes and feel loved; we were due to get married late this year. My partner suffered from bulimia and has done since she was a teenager; I was unaware until later in the relationship that she had any sort of eating disorder as she was extremely active and keeps very fit. I myself have anxiety depression and am a control freak as everyone calls them I have only come to realise this of recently due to everything that has just transpired. Over the past 6 months she had become extremely distant and stopped communicating well with me, she made me feel distant and paranoid and found it very difficult to trust. I have always had trusting issues due to my life experiences but we had spoken about this early in the relationship and she was happy to make me feel comfortable.
We had been long term friends before we got together and there was always this spark that managed to make us both smile when around one another.
Once finding out about the bulimia, I tried to talk occasionally provide a stable life and make her feel good about herself as much as possible, but when I asked how everything was going and did you need any other support she always said that she was fine, I knew deep down she was not being honest but chose not to believe. Over time this started to eat me away as I was running out of energy, I always had to help her feel good about herself and she never managed to see when I was really drained. instead of supporting her I become paranoid of her having a secret life or a bit on the side I poked and prodded at her life and made the situation worse than ever, there where un explained happenings around the house to add to the situation, I was, meant to make her secure not insecure. To realise the mistake I made I will forever hang on to.
We are only relatively young and have managed to work and travel, the industry that I work in is lucrative but always is demanding as many hours are spent on the job, the quality of life was great though and my partner managed to have several years off work to enjoy the travels, everything could not get much better whilst away abroad, and thought that she had everything under control.
On returning back to our home country we didn’t head home but to follow the work, there was an opportunity for both of us to work and live in the same area.
During that year we discussed getting married, kid’s life a plan and spoke about whether the bulimia was still in control, she advised me it was all good, I knew again and offered support but denied any ell. I was slowly becoming depressed work was long and my partner didn’t enjoy her job she dreaded it every day but has always had the same profession for many years we both started to winged about life an how tough it is but really we had it all. I proposed to her and felt ecstatic I thought that now it would be like a new lease of life. We planned an engagement party slowly we become less romantic we didn’t want to do the same things and she never wanted to go out, I m a social person but started to just work and home. The engagement come and we didn’t fly down together, as we were not liking the life we opted for me to work on rotation and my partner to go home, we had lived to gether always and this wasn’t going to be easy, I didn’t really want to break the team up but this is what she wanted and put on a brave face.
The engagement was a good evening but I was feeling like a missed something, I partied like when young and end result wasn’t the same. After this I started wanting to escape more I need some support but she couldn’t see it so I choose to hide my problems again by partying. Along come the move and it wasn’t the best we had ever felt I thought she would still be happy as the work wasn’t so stress full familiar environment and long term friends.
we where now spending a long time apart we spoke about marriage and decided to plan the day, at this point we seemed happy but not to my knowledge the stress of the big day and the fact that it was the first time alone for her in some time become to much, with distance between us me becoming more paranoid due to her behaviour our time spent together was not the best. I felt as she was taking me granted she couldn’t see I was breaking and stress and work was making me ill, I choose hide my problems with alcohol and drugs, I believe she the same.
I knew this wasn’t the right way to go into marriage and had to muster the courage to postpone the date until we had worked out our problems not to keep hiding them, we returning home the last time she had become erratic and was extremely under weight, her mood swing worse than ever, I tried to discuss what I had to say but there was never going to be easy way to do it, I loved her and wanted to have her children but knew we had both illness's and needed to fix them, I wanted her to for me try to help herself and deal with the bulimia, I had made her feel warm so many times and given what I thought as everything but she couldn’t.
After talking about postponing the wedding we argued and I went out I couldn’t do this anymore, upon returning I on the floor.
My world crashed at this point and started to self destruct, she was irrational wouldn’t seek help from family or friends would chant and scream over and over
As she wouldn’t approach her family I had to I was screaming out for help, this did little I finally booked her to a psychologist. And quick she had lost enough weight for her ribs t be well exposed.
He suggest intern straight up but she neglected the idea and choose a subtle weekly course, I was having trouble copping at this point so close to breakdown, I saw and only I knew, I couldn’t tell anyone else other than my father as I wanted her to do it herself and when she was ready so to destroy peoples opinion of her. my depression anxiety and knowing that I couldn’t control anything, the arguing and disappearing and screaming crying and taunting over the next few days killed me, I thought I was tough but not for this - I had been there to help all family and friends through hard moments but for the woman I loved I melted. She still hadn’t eaten in nearly 10 days now and I had to get her to the clinic, I convicted her it was best and made arrangements. She hated me more than ever as she was crying for support but I couldn’t do it was some of the hardest days of my life I didn’t know what to do.
I finally got her to the clinic said good bye and looked at her my world was falling apart I left her in a prison for eating disorders, and said I would see you in 2 days for some warmer clothes but didn’t go back.
My anxiety, paranoia was crazy I would cry and then be silent to myself I had voices in my head I wanted to hate her to understand why all this had happened. I isolated myself and had a breakdown I couldn’t comprehend anything rationally. I tried to involve friends but had to evoke my family.
I was not myself at this point totally irrational paranoid, wanted a reason to hate her but hated myself also at this point I did something I will never understand.
I was looking at our photos of life adventures and trying to do anything to help and I saw a photo of jewellery I had bought her, the charm type where you collect over time except half of my charms where missing only to be replaced by others, I thought as they are quite dear what where how I broke and needed to hate her at this point I went out and sleep with a stranger, not in my personality at all afterwards I called family and asked for help.
I had spoke to my partner and let her know I what be in the following day before going out that night but couldn’t go up there with false impressions I knew I had my own serious problems and couldn’t cope anymore, in the 30 years of her life no one had managed to help, parents family friends, I tried and failed.
At this point I checked myself into a psychologist, I admitted the cheating to my family and myself and spoke open and honestly to the psychologist, rock bottom I had an excellent career g/f boat car house life then nothing mattered.
After what I had done I felt so bad that I couldn’t lie to her, leave her in there with the impression everything was ok only to come out in several weeks and false hopes, I opted to tell her.
It’s now 6 weeks later I am back at work, but not 100 percent reliable yet; I wake to nightmares every night of the suicide. I have spoken to my partner on several occasions it is difficult we thought I would be best to live apart and have bought a new car and given cash as she has asked for, when we talk she takes no responsibility to anything and it is all the blame on me. I wish she could understand that she had lied about her disease every day we where together that and with the unanswered questions added to the problem. I am aware that I am half to blame but having trouble dealing with her hate. She has closure I was honest even know it was not an honest thing to do. I have none - I am anxious nervous put on a brave face everyday, I break down still, is it wrong to need closure to push past this - to know and be a better person from it?
I wish at the moment I wasn’t so isolated at work away from the real world, is there any way to help to control these moments, u only know u have loved when it hurts this much.
Edit: I am sorry for the edit however talk of suicide and illegal drug used is not allowed in the forums. I am afraid you had very detailed and many comments re both in your thread. I thank you in advance for your understanding.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 7/30/2011 8:51:53 PM (GMT-6)