Hey guys I know I haven't been on this site in awhile, I've actually been challenging myself to stay away from all the anxiety stuff in an effort to try and bring back some normalcy to life that I thought that I had. It doesn't seem to be working though. I'm still struggling everyday with this. It's so annoying and frustrating. I'm getting those head pains/headaches again and that's what gets me completely miserable. I can deal with some of the side effects of having anxiety (or whatever this is, still not really convinced it's just anxiety). But I hate when I have that heavy head, foggy, feeling like my head is in a vice type feeling. I honestly feel like I'm floating sometimes it's so bad. I let that feeling dictate my mood and dictate what I decide to do. If I'm feeling alright and not having too many side effects from the anxiety I'll go out with friends in an effort to try and be social. But in all honesty I haven't really been going out/enjoying myself all that much lately. I go out and socialize with friends and people from work about
once or twice a week. I guess that's a good thing but you want to know the messed up part? I don't really look foward to it. I am just still constantly in my head trying to figure out when this is going to stop. When my mind is going to slow down and just take life a day at a time and relax again.
A lot of the topics that are always in my head are the same recurring thoughts over and over. The why I am 26 years old and always been single. Thinking about how I let my jaw problem when I was younger totally mess with my head and make me aviod certain social situations. Thinking about how even now after the surgery I still feel numbness and tightness on my mouth which at times (when it acts up) makes it uncomfortable to talk. Everyone tells me I sound fine but it just feels strange and strenious and I often avoid going out or talking much during those times. Thinking about how strange these feelings I have truly are, the dissociation, the depersonalization, the loneliness (which is getting pretty bad).
I'm still struggling everyday, but refuse to give in to do this darn problem. I just really wish I knew a positive way out. It's hard being any age and dealing wth this, and I might just be a little biased but I think it's really hard in my situation. I'm a 26 yr old single guy, what do guys from work my age do? Go out for drinks and have a good time on the weekends. I have REALLY and TRULY made an effort to dealing with this. I really don't drink that much at all anymore, I do go out to bars and I'll have a couple of drinks, like 5-6 beers....that's a hell of a lot better then what I used to do in the past. For the most part I try to just avoid the bars altogether but I feel like sometimes I have to because I'm just so darn bored and lonely and there's nothing else really to do.
Now for the main reason for my post and what is really giving me problems lately. School.....I'm yet again going back to college. This is one of my many comebacks to college that I've attempted. The last time I attempted this I was working full time and tried taking 18 credits and THAT'S WHEN all this happened. That's when my headaches started, the depersonlization, the anxiety, everything. I was dealing with on and off depression for years before this (not really realizing it was REALLY a problem), but that's when my anxiety just consumed me. I HAD to withdraw from my semester at that time. I couldn't even leave the house, I was housebound for about 2-3 months. So now I'm worrying that going back to school is going to cause this again for me. But then I start worrying what happens if I don't go back to school? I'll never get the job I want, I'll never have the career/life I wanted, I'll never achieve the things I know darn well that I'm capable of. I know I'm a smart guy and capable of graduating college, that thought has NEVER been the issue. It's always been my insecurities holding me back. Mostly because of me telling myself for years and years and years that I am socialil inept because of my jaw problem when I was younger causing me to have a slight lisp, which now I keep thinking that I should have NEVER had that corrective surgery to fix my jaw. Because now that it is corrected and my lisp is gone, now I have this numbness and tightness around my lips/mouth and it just makes just about every social situation very awkward. Honestly after the surgery I stayed inside my house and refused to see any family or friends for months because of how stupid I felt I sounded and how weird it felt to start using my muscles of my mouth again. So yea, as you can see I'm definetly a guy with some deeply rooted issues.
And to top this all off one of the classes I'm taking this semester is abnormal psychology. I had to take 2 more science classes to satisfy my major and that was one of the classes that fit my schedule for night classes. I'm having major panic attacks about this class. I've been to 2 classes so far, the first one I swear to god I didn't even listen to the professor. I just kept talking myselfout of running out the door. You see, on top of all of these issues that I've had when I was younger and now, I've always been VERY prone to self diagnosing. When I was in my early teens in middle school I convinced myself I had syphillis bc we were learning about it in health class and my hands were red. Turns out when I went to the doctor he said it was just because I was washing my hands so much with antibacterial soap that I was tearing away the skin on my hands. This always seemed to happen anytime I took any health class, and when I had my "breakdown" as I call it it was when I was in a communications class at college 2 years ago and they were discussing people with social disorders. I convinced myself that I was just like the people we were reading about and I truly believe that this through me into a 2 week long panic attack. My doctor thinks it has a lot to do with the trauma from my surgery (jaw being wired shut for 3 months and the stress of dealing with recovery afterwards) and from me being robbed and assaulted (choked unconscious and left in the street). Those 2 events happened a year before my "breakdown" as well and he thinks that they largely contributed to it as well. I really don't know though, I've always been a skeptic and never really believe anything..
As I'm writing and sharing these thoughts I am realizing that I'm definetly rambling and repeating a lot of the same things I've said in earlier posts and I apologize for that. I'm just honestly scared and feeling alone. I live with my family but I'm so tired of telling them the bullcrap that I deal with in my own head on a daily basis. It's ridiculous, nobody likes a crybaby. Nobody likes a woe is me, self-pity type. So I try my freakin hardest to just keep everything bottled in and just deal with it and talk with my therapist. But the problem is becoming now with my therapist that our schedules are starting to conflict. With me starting school and working full time now I can only go on wednesdays and I've only been able to go like once every 4-5 weeks now. I've only been taknig .5mg of xanax for the last 2-3 months and haven't taken any depression meds for about 8-9 months now (took zoloft and another med in the past, its slipping my mind right now). That's another problem I've been dealing with too, my memory is just completely shot lately. I'm honestly lucky if I remember what darn day it is.
Thanks guys for just letting me vent as always and giving me this forum. Sorry for the long post, but it's just hard for me to stay on track or just deal with 1 thing at a time lately. That's another thing that concerns me, so worried that I really have a severe anxiety or potentially worse mental illness (have already come to grips that I MOST definetly have anxiety issues :) )