Thought I'd share

I'm a newbie to the forums and to anxiety, and thought it might help me to write down what has happened and have it read by those who have had similar experiences.

I had my first ever panic attack in March, I had played badminton after work and was suddenly having falling sensations. I didnt think too much of these other than thinking them odd, the panic attack was triggered by one of these falling sensations just as I was about to drift off into sleep. It was a full blown panic attack which showed most of the symptoms including rapid heart beats, sweating, uncontrollable shaking, sensitive to bright lights. I am normally a very healthy person (I am overweight but dont fall ill easily) so I didn't feel the need to go see my GP, however I developed acute sinusitus which turned into chronic, it took me about 3 weeks before I was a bit of wreak and I retreated to my parents (I live alone and felt I needed to feel in a safer environment) and saw the GP soon after. It took a few visits and weeks to diagnose sinusitis and was treated for it.

I started experiencing anxiety symptoms during this period, I would have anxiety attacks which lasted a few seconds to a minute, I didnt feel safe sleeping in my bed where the panic attack occurred and slept on my sofa more and more. I only went to the weekend GP about these symptoms after I woke up and was in a very confused state and could not identify myself (more precisely I was not able to attach the words "me" or "I" to myself in my thoughts) however I could name everyone in a photo nearby, this passed within 10 minutes but scared me no end. The weekend GP said was just anxiety over my ongoing sinusitis which did help me come to terms with it a bit more and allowed me to start making sense of it all a bit more.

Over the last few months I had been recovering from it all quite well, I was no longer afraid of evening approaching, I was not nervous about living alone anymore, but I did notice odd moments of confusion such as picking up an object and not being 100% convinced I had actually done that action.

Last Friday I was woken up by a domestic dispute occuring somewhere in the building, I got up to be nosy and poke my head out fo the door to see if it was on my floor, it was not so I headed back to bed. Straight away I felt something was wrong but I could not pinpoint it, this feeling of unease started to build until it turned in a panic attack. I was much better at controlling it as I was aware what was happening and only suffered shortness of breath, my legs shaking and nausea, which only lasted about 5 minutes or so. I didnt go back to sleep that evening and decided to head to my parents after work to make sure I felt safe that weekend.

Unfortunely this last panic attack hasd increased my anxiety badly. On saturday and sunday I was expeireceing bad confusion episodes, I would be looking at an object and not being convinced I was actually observing it at all, I would attempt to sleep only to have a thought pop into my head and be petrified it wasnt actually one of my own thoughts, I would only drift off at about 3-4am out of sheer exhasution. During these times I found safety in my laptop and reading countless news articles, it concentrated my mind and offered relief from the rising panic.

The last 2 days have felt better, I have not had a depersonalisation episode even when I think about them. However sleeping is still very difficult at night as I get bad butterfly stomach symptoms and I was getting very bad indigestion as bedtime approaches, and just before I drift off to sleep the symptoms get worse and am forced to calm myself down using breathing techniques, I was able to sleep around 2-3am last night.

Today I dragged myself into work but still have a background nervousness along with a small butterfly effect in my stomach just as if I am about to give a speech, even though I am sat at my desk (they have subsided a bit once I took 2 antacid tablets). I am off to see the GP solely about my anxiety on friday but I have yet to pinpoint my anxiety trigger.

I believe it is one of three possibilities

1. Loneliness issues - heightened by having a panic attack alone in a flat, I also have a poor circle of friend s here as most have moved away and so my social life has declined dramatically, however I am doubtful as moving back to my parent during the latest episodes doesnt seemed to have helped, or is taking a long time to help.

2. Anxiety over my ongoing sinusitis symptoms - again I am a bit doubtful as the symptoms are much less pronounced but it maybe a build up effect after months of sinusitus, as I was starting to have very short period episodes of depersonalisation before the latest panic attack.

3. Anxiety over going to sleep/bed - Since all of my worst attacks have happened during the night I feel this might make most sense (however it fits into the loneliness as well), and the most recent butterfly in the stomach just as I am about to sleep and getting worst just as I am about to fall asleep. What does confuse me I was starting to sleep fine in my bed in the flat again with no obvious worry about it until friday night.

I am not sure what my point of this post is other than wanting to get it off my chest to people who know about anxiety, I have talked to my parents and my closet friends but have gotten little comfort as they are not sure what I am going through.

Some extra info: I am 28, soon to be 29 next month. Overweight but active, do lots of walking, used to do lots of racquet sports before March, single and living in my "home" city of Manchester (UK).

Thanks for reading, I am hopeful I can gain confidence after speaking to my GP over these issues.

an update:

I have been waiting a month to see a therapist, I decided to try and do this without medication, however I regreat that decision due to the length of time before I could see the councillor. I am seeing him/her tomorrow but I fear things have gotten a bit more entrenched. I feel each week is better than the last but the DP/DR has gotten to me, I now find myself waiting for a dp/dr thought to occur when doing anything. I have been making sure my mind is busy by reading whenever I can and listening to upbeat music, such as on the train when I get home or I make sure I watch a tv show.

I am not getting obvious DP/DR episodes too often but I dont feel as if what I am seeing is really there, I feel I am handling it better but the memory of the DP/DR episodes is very raw and sleep is hard to come by. Last night I got no sleep as I would jerk awake as I dozed off in a panic and have in previous nights awoken to the feeling my brain is not working correctly and I am slipping away. In general I just dont feel I am truely in reality and am starting to feel numb.

Depression has taken hold of me, due to the long time I have had to wait for therapy I feel (I may have gotten it anyway), and now wake up convinced I am not real and struggle to get out of bed. My GP has prescribed me Prozac but I am reluctant to take it and will wait to see what the therapist thinks is the best thing to do.

It is not all doom and gloom, whilst today I have not felt great, right now after being involved in a few family events I feel a bit lighter (although I still feel what i see is not 100% real) but have only questioned my reality briefly a coulple of times, most of this week has been similar days.
Do days like these mean I am slowly recovering? or am I just having a good day? (I am wary to think I am getting better as I have not had a very good night sleep for a while and still can feel the anxiety)

hope you are all as well as you can be

Hi

Welcome to healingwell good to meet you it is always good to meet new members and I am sure you will find the support you are looking for the members here are great. You have received some great advise from SC and I agree CBT is a good option and works well. I just wanted to pop in and say hi and keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.

Hibee

Hi eb,

I am glad that you are back, and thanks for the update! It sounds as if things are improving and that you are already making some good progress.

I am really impressed with how you now realize that your anxiety and thoughts are triggering the D/P D/R...this is a huge step! Now you can try and change that identified negative/fearful thought(s) and reverse the problem:)

I have had some issues with D/P D/R and I do the same thing. I realize that it is coming from my anxiety. I try to pinpoint the source (if there is one) and then I use my positive mantras, and also breathing and relaxation techniques until it passes. I also like the 'So what?' attitude...it takes the poweer away from the symptom...good on you!

I am glad that you are on track in your recovery with your therapy and medication. I am sure that things will continue to improve for you.

Keep posting here as well. Talking with those who understand really makes a difference.

Talk to you soon,
S.C.

Hello again another update (feel like this is my anxiety diary now)

I have been to the therapist for couple of real session now, started to delve into what may have been my trigger. I had isolated myself from most people and was reluctant to go out and meet new people, this may have contributed to my anxiety.

I am now at a place where the feelings of unreality are very rare now, have not felt very depersonalised for 3 days and that was a bad day, when a month ago it would have been a good day. I still feel disconnected generally, and I am still checking in on myself a lot but this seems to be quieting down a bit. I still am checking reality a fair bit, I do an action and my mind checks to see if it feels unreal or checks to see if that is how I used to observed things, but again it does not seem quite so strong as before.

My mornings are much easier now, the morning anxiety is lessened, I do still check in as soon as my mind wakes up, but my glance around my room does not seem so disconnected which helps me for the day. A bad day now is very bareable which is a relief even if I dont feel it at the time.

My memory seems a bit distorted now, I know I was feeling very unreal months ago but cannot really remember it and memories of before my anxiety taking over seems as if it occured to someone else.

I do sometimes worry that the improvement is soley down to the prozac, but my more logical side of the brain is telling me a) so what and b) no drug could quieten the depersonalisation and derealisation by itself.

I do have the odd fear that I have just reach a plateau and could fall back in again, is this normal for anxiety actually doubting you are recovering?

Another week another update:

I am in a bit of a confused state currently, my rational brain tells me things are getting better but the anxious part tells me otherwise. Memories currently seem as if they happened to someone else and I never feel like I am 100% there. Now I know this is the depersonalisation, it is purely my mind in a defensive mode which is designed to protect me from whatever stress the anxiety has assumed has threatened me.
Knowing this is a little comfort, but it is hard to just let it go and say "nevermind". Most days I do manage this, today I feel is a bad day, but as I have said before this bad day would have been a good day 4-5 weeks ago (again difficult to tell my anxious brain that as it lives in the terrifying symptom moment).


I have noticed if my nose is feeling blocked up or/and it is being aggravated by vibrations from a train/car my anxiety does increase. My therapist is currently getting a background on me and my family now my symptoms are not mentally crippling me as much, so we are going to look into my problem of having isolated myself socially, but I also hope he looks into the possible trigger of pressured feeling in my nasal area. I do have a scientific mind and maybe I am only hoping it is a physical trigger that my mind is seeing as a threat.

Anyway not much to report this week in terms of big leaps of progress, which my anxiety makes me feel is no progress. If anyone fancies giving me a moral boost please do as I do somewhat feel I need one.

Thanks chaps and chapettes.

A recap from the last 3 months:

Symptoms that have seemingly gone:
Objects feeling unreal
Waves of unreality
Panic Attacks
Thoughts of none existence

Symptoms dying down:
Afraid to be alone
Afraid of my own thoughts
Obvious morning anxiety


Symptoms still around:
Questioning reality (somewhat fading)
Checking in
Constantly thinking of the condition
Mornings are worst, usually gets better as the day goes on
memory is blurred