Today was a rough one. I woke up at about
7 and just started off in a bad way. I've been feeling so down and irritable/nervous lately as you all know. I was trying to get ready for work and I was having all of these negative thoughts. What am I doing? How am I walking right now? Why am I going to this job? Why am I even doing this (why did I leave my older jobs to be at this one, because i'm still dealing with the SAME problems)? I threw myself into a panic attack before work even happened. I took a xanax and tried to relax a little bit but I couldn't. I tried calling my psychologist but wound up just calling out of work sick.
This is the 2nd time in 4 weeks that I have called out of work. I am just not happy there anymore at all. I drive myself nuts there thinking of why I'm still at this entry level position and how come I can never seem to get moving, I get anxious and fed up with taking college classes after work to try and better myself. They just toss more pressure on me to succeed and more work on me that I need to get done. I get so worked up and try to do everything right, but lately it's all feeling as if it's crashing down on me. I feel as if I'm failing miserably. I couldn't even find the courage/fortitude to suck it up and go into work today even with the .5 xanax.
What to do now? Last time I freaked out at work it was when I took my first days prescription of anafranil about 4 weeks ago. Now this time it was before work and totally unrelated to meds. Is it the job? Is it me? I am at a complete loss for words or answers. I just asked my father if I could go back to work for him in the family business while finishing out my last 2 years of college and he said no that he doesn't want me to taking a step back. He said he doesn't want to see me do that. I don't know what to do.
I'm absolutely terrified of starting medications. And I mean TERRIFIED. Not scared....like completely full fledge panicked about it. I hate medication, I'm so worried it's going to make everything else worse. I know we can't discuss a certain topic on this message board so I won't referance it directly....but I'm scared of that thought that comes into my head from time to time. I know these medicines can increase those thoughts, can increase the depression. I feel like I'm stuck and there's no way out.