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Feeling completely helpless, terrified

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Posted 12/4/2011 6:21 AM (GMT 0)
Hey guys, been lurking the forum for a few days, finally got the nerve up to post.

A bit of background for me: I'm 20 years old, enrolled in college, male, and I've never been diagnosed with any mental issues.

I've always been an anxious person, but recently things have changed. about a month ago I had a panic attack out of the blue, during which I texted my mother in my despondence begging to get some help. I had begun noticing my anxiety gradually worsening (but still nowhere near unbearable) since around when I moved into my apartment in august, although since my 20th birthday the most significant changes had begun. When I texted my mother I was in the depths of a full-on panic attack, having had only one before that (a year ago). Around this time I was convinced I was "going crazy" and that seemed to be the focus of the attack, despite that it was unprompted.

The next day I felt slightly embarrassed about my moment the night before, but I still knew it was serious enough to get help. Unfortunately I was terrified that "help" would involve doping me up to a point where I was unrecognizable with meds. Because of this fear I waited to call somebody, as I felt (relatively) stable for about a week. But when I returned home for Thanksgiving, I was sleeping in my childhood bed and something about that inspired intense thought, ultimately leading to an all out anxiety-ridden two days towards the end of break, culminating in an entirely sleepless night that ended in me bawling in my parent's arms the next morning.

I left for school after that, and I felt slightly better (a bit detached, but definitely better). However about three days ago things took a nasty turn for the worse. My heart started constantly beating rapidly, and anxiety pervaded my life altogether. I'm unsure whether to call the worst points of these few days "panic attacks" because the physiological effects during these times are not dissimilar to how I feel all of the time now. The only difference is in my thought pattern.

I began googling obsessively about panic disorder, GAD, anything. Some of these things made me feel better to know that I wasn't the only one going through this. It helped me drop the thought that I might be crazy, since I know crazy people don't think about such matters. Unfortunately it inspired a new type of fear in me, that I may be burdened with this for life. I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist, and am going on Monday, but the days have been incredibly difficult to a point I never even thought was possible. These feelings are so overwhelming and the belief that I may never recover has led to a terrible cycle that is unbearably distressing. 

My fear of medication is gone, I will take anything that can limit the severity of my thoughts, and like I said I plan to go to a psych on Monday.

I just, as the title suggests, feel completely helpless. I am so at the mercy of my thought process . Has anyone else experienced something like this? I don't even want to feel "normal" again  If any of you have experience overcoming such intense fears, words of encouragement are exactly what I need. Monday seems so far away from now and the pain seems infinite.

Thanks for listening guys, I hope that soon enough I will be able to return to this site with a story of my success in overcoming this terrible state of being.

Edit: I am sorry I had to edit your post as we are not allowed to discuss suicide  ideation in the forums.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 12/5/2011 2:26:07 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/4/2011 6:29 AM (GMT 0)
Also, to clarify, my anxiety doesn't seem to come from any source in particular. I have no issues going out and doing anything I would normally do, and I am remarkably surprised at how normal I am acting given how I feel on the inside. So, no agoraphobia, no social anxiety, nothing like that at all. Simply pure, unadulterated anxiety.
Posted 12/4/2011 6:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi FH and welcome.

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I know how terrifiying anxiety attacks can be. I used to suffer them daily, and have all of the anixety symptoms as well in between, and I am telling you that there is indeed hope!

I am really glad to hear that you have made yourself an appointment with a professional that will be able to help you. That and coming here are very significant steps in your path to getting better!

I also went through therapy, and can tell you that it is very effective in treating anxiety and its symptoms. It will take time and hard work on your part, but will be worth every effort.

Take some time and check out our Anxiety Resource Guide. (main page 3rd post) It has some links that will teach you breathing and relaxation exercises that you can get started on right away. This should help you to get through to Monday. Practice them twice a day, and do extra when you are feeling the anxiety really coming on.

I would be remiss not to mention this:

If you are in anyway thinking thoughts of self-harm, you must reach out and call a loved one, or contact a hotline that can assist you (1-800 784-2433/suicide hotline)

I am glad that you are not actively thinking this way, but if that changes at all, make the call. Having feelings of hopelessness is not uncommon, but feeling like you want to act on them is a red flag, and should be taken seriously.

You are welcome and encouraged to post here anytime! We will do our best to help and support you. We know how you are feeling, and you are not alone.

Keep talking with us:)

Scaredy Cat
Posted 12/4/2011 6:58 AM (GMT 0)
SC, thanks for the reply. I've looked all over the forum and I appreciate how much time you spend welcoming and reinforcing people's hope.

The thoughts are really the unsettling part, not my willingness to act on them. I have been in touch with my older sister, who is a psychiatrist, about these matters, and she has been supportive and is obviously concerned for my well being. My parents have also given me a hotline for psychological help through my mom's company, so I have a strong support system reminding me just how worth it life is and how much people care about me.

I just need to overcome this hopelessness, and I'm willing to put in the work to beat this thing.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 12/5/2011 2:27:41 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/4/2011 7:05 AM (GMT 0)
I am glad to hear that you have a great support system!!! Add us to the list:) As I mentioned, I went through therapy (two rounds of CBT) and it was extremely helpful...but I also feel that this community has had a tremendous impact on my ongoing recovery as well.

I hope to hear more of your story/journey, and look forward to getting to know you better:)

Talk to you soon,
S.C.
Posted 12/4/2011 8:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hey FH,

I think all of us here know what you're going through right now. The feeling that this won't ever get better, and that you have been crippled because of the anxiety.  I couldn't imagine going through this for any prolonged period of time, and after seeing a general doctor (I had no idea I had anxiety at that point; I was sure I was dying) whom didn't know much about the treatment of anxiety, my hopes were completely dashed for medication and other forms of help.

I can tell you right now, though, that is not the case with anyone. There are so many resources out there and it seems like you've got a really great support group in your family. I remember crying into my mother's arms the day before I had to leave back for school (I'm 22 now, 21 at the time) after taking a quarter off for my anxiety; I was so terrified of leaving home again that I nearly hoped my plane would just crash so I wouldn't have to go through the fear anymore. Of course it wasn't an honest wish, and the entire flight I kept thinking to myself, "Why am I thinking about something so horrible, about something that terrifies me so much?" Sometimes the mind, when ridden with anxiety, just jumps to thoughts --sometimes dark thoughts. The point is, however, that it's nothing to be truly afraid of because you clearly have no plan to act upon it.

You said you have no plan to act on  thoughts, and the fact that it terrifies you is a good indication that that won't ever come to pass. Just know that you are not losing your mind or going crazy with thoughts like that. I've had them too, and though I am much better than I was a year ago, occasionally I still trip up and fall into that dark sort of thought pattern. Cat already gave you the hotline number, and I do hope that if you need it you will call there or one of your family members. I know that I've called my family when in a particularly dark spot, and it really helps just to hear someone that loves and cares for you.

It's also great that you've realized it's your thought pattern that changes. That is exactly what causes anxiety, or more specifically, leads anxiety to turn into a panic attack. At least, this has been in my experience and I'm sure many others as well. I don't want to play doctor/psychologist here, but from all of the research I've done on anxiety causes and why we have panic attacks, I can tell you that learning to control your mind and put a stop to the vicious circle of anxiety is going to go a long way into making you feel like yourself again.

I am so proud and glad that you have reached out for help; it's not an easy thing to do, and it took me a long time to really start seeking the help I needed. I was resigned for quite a while to just live with my anxiety/agoraphobia, but it's just no way to live. There is help and there is hope, and I promise that you will have both.

Keep us updated, and know that even when you feel helpless, there is always still hope.


--Best wishes,
Em

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 12/5/2011 2:29:57 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/5/2011 9:41 PM (GMT 0)
Dear FH,

Here it is Monday and you have your appointment today so I truly hope all is going well for you.  I am so glad to read your family is so supportive and a sister who is a psychiatrist - that is awesome.  Lean on your family and friends.  The toughest part about anxiety is having no support and knowing you do makes me feel so much better for you.

I have had anxiety for 29 years and acceptance is a huge step but in the beginning and even now I fight the anxiety instead of facing it head on. 

Try to stop the googling although I know we are all guilty of looking for the magic answer.   One way to change thought patterns is by limiting time spent thinking. Find a hobby or a distraction that you enjoy, preferably one that has a high degree of mental concentration. Painting and drawing are good examples. With both these activities, your mind is on the task at hand so you have very little time to picture or think about what causes you stress. The main point is to find something you enjoy that can be done for a long period of time.

I hope you stick with us as we are here to help and support in any way we can.  We care about you and want you feeling better.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt


 

 

Posted 12/6/2011 3:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all

Had a rough weekend emotionally before the appointment, just as I had expected. I didn't expect, however, to have to go to the ER Sunday night due to vomiting blood, which ended up being the lovely cap to this whole experience. It's probably just gastritis or perhaps a peptic ulcer, so I'm separating my somatic disfunction from my mental disfunction. I'm not worried about my health in the same manner I see so many people on here worried about it.

Got thyroid results back, and they were exactly where they needed to be... Frustrating news considering my recent rapid hair loss and skin peeling, plus it would have explained the anxiety.

After the thyroid results, I went to therapy. Spent an hour and a half spilling my guts to the guy, and he had very little to say, which was a touch discouraging, but I imagine it's simply the procedure for a first appointment. This is my first experience in any sort of counseling, so I'm not sure how it goes.

I still feel awful. Even when I don't feel anxious I'm left feeling detached an unable to react emotionally to anything going on in front of me, which makes me feel even more distant from the ones around me. The helplessness and hopelessness are pervasive, and I just wish I could at least believe that I will get better.

I appreciate the support, and I'll be keeping everyone as updated as I can.
Posted 12/6/2011 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
Aww, FH, are you feeling allright now? How is your stomach? That sounds really scary. I hope that they treated you, and that you are on the mend...an ulcer, especially one that is bleeding is need of medication so that it can properly heal. Make sure and follow up with that!

I am sorry that your thyroid dx was frustrating...I know that feeling of wanting there to be a definitive answer to all that is going on with our bodies/mind. I would recommend having a re-check in 6 months if you are still having all of the physical symptoms.

Try to have patience with your therapy. The initial visits will be about gathering background, and assesments on the individual. It does seem to take forever, when you want to feel better today, I know!  You will see results after some time however, just keep at it.

Keep posting with us...we understand and are here for you along this journey to recovery that you are on...we are all in it together:)

Here's to a better week!
S.C.
Posted 12/6/2011 4:25 PM (GMT 0)
SC,

I am amazed at your promptness in response. I'm sure you're thanked often for your responses to individuals in each thread, but I just wanted to thank you and express my amazement in your thoroughness and helpfulness for EVERYONE on this board.. I know you experience anxiety like many of us and to help others when you're just as burdened as anyone is an incredible thing. So thank you.

As far as my stomach goes, I've been given meds that will hopefully clear up the problems- like I said I'm not terribly worried about my body like so many here. In fact what was so strange about the experience was how non-frightening it was... I dry heaved for a few minutes, the last few heaves eliciting blood, to which my response was simply "Oh blood, hmm... that's strange". I immediately googled "vomiting blood" and saw that people recommended an ER trip, so I walked upstairs and calmly asked my roommate (thankfully an insomniac as well) to drive me over to the hospital. I wasn't ever particularly scared for my health.

Looking at my experience over the past few weeks, too, I don't think I've been having "panic attacks" regularly as much as I've been lost in the negative loop of anxiety, leaving me detached, dissociated, and constantly searching for answers, help, hope, or anything. I have experienced a panic attack before, but I remember distinctly the intense physiological effects that it elicited, and while my heart rate elevates to be sure during my worst moments, I am never beyond what I might describe as a panicky feeling... Not quite a full blown attack.

Whenever I'm not in that zone of anxiety, I may feel much better, but I'm still in the state of dissociation and detachment. I often feel the "darkness" of anxiety approaching me during these times, each time a bit stronger and darker until I am again back into the anxious and helpless state. I am frustrated by the fact that I can't get excited for things since I feel so numb, and I feel like if I could just remember what it was like to be looking forward to something I would feel much better, even if only when I'm not wracked with anxiety.

Your explanation for the therapeutic process helped me a lot. While I did expect that the first meeting was intake and background, it helped greatly to know that the guy I'm dealing with is following procedure and not simply sitting there thinking "holy crap this kid is ****ed up" haha!

I'm in a more positive mood writing this currently, though likely I won't be in a similar state later today, I'm thankful for the times when I do feel a bit better. The day by day battle that I'm going through is incredibly difficult, as you know, but words from people who have improved even the slightest do a world of good for me.

Again, thank everyone so much for your responses. Hopefully I will start to feel better and can contribute something positive to the others on the board just as you guys have.
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