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Approval Addiction

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Posted 1/3/2012 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
Approval Addiction..........I have seen people post this in their own terminology and I have seen how devestated this can be for people with anxiety. I thought it would make a good topic to start off the year.

Everyone needs to hear that they are doing a good job and that they are appreciated. We feel good when someone shows us love and approval, but that can go to far. I have heard this need for approval called Approval Addiction. We have a fear of letting others down.

First of all, an addiction is something that controls people — it is something they feel they cannot live without, or something they feel driven to do in order to relieve pressure, pain, or discomfort of some kind.
Signs of Approval Addiction:

You consider yourself a people pleaser

You are overly responsible and take on the responsibilities of others

You say "yes" when you know you should say "no"

You depend on others' approval to determine your self-worth

You fear rejection or conflict

Even when you are doing well, it's not enough

If you do something that someone else doesn't approve of, you feel guilt or stress.

I have most of the above and I do work with my therapist. She reminds me to ask myself what I really want to do, rather than what others would like me to do.

I grew up believing that I should always go that extra mile, it is better to sacrifice what you really want to help others, always turn the other cheek, be the first to volunteer as all of these things would make people love me and I needed to know I was loved.  I needed other people to like me as well, if I found out they did not I was crushed and would work harder at doing whatever it took to gain their approval. 

Finally I am at the stage where I have learned to take care of me but it is still hard to stop the feelings that I may have hurt someone or let them down by saying no to a request.

I am sure there are others out there that have this same issue.

Kindly,

Kitt
Posted 1/3/2012 2:39 AM (GMT 0)
Fortunately I only have this with certain people in my life...my family basically.

I don't have a sense of responsibility/obligation to periphery people, but those really close to me is a different story. My husband, kids, parents, siblings...I do sometimes struggle with feelings of not doing/being enough for them.

Sometimes the pressure is put on us by others...sometimes by our own selves...but either way, it is our responsiblity to keep the balance healthy. Doing what we need to do to be a good person, but stopping short of sacrificing ourselves:)

I wish for all of us to find that place in our lives!

S.C.
Posted 1/3/2012 3:39 AM (GMT 0)
I can honestly say....most of the things you listed I felt, had or did. As time has gone by, I have modified those things quite a bit for the better.

 

I had to smile while I was reading it cause I think this also could be a part of the list...I could not go to a yard sale or flea market and such and ever ask if they would take less than what it was priced.

 

I would either buy it for what it was priced or walk away. I can say I have got much better at saving myself some money now a days. I was so afraid I would offend somebody if I would offer less....lol. After getting the nerve up and doing it a few times, it got much easier!

 

Us old dogs can learn new tricks after all.

Posted 1/3/2012 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
Kitt, I'm sorry that you feel that you need to have approval from people, this is a very cruel world we live in. This is an area that I am not very familiar with, I guess my personality just doesn't allow it.

I learned this at a young age by watching my older siblings (sister and brother), and seeing how they responded and reacted to people. They always followed and did what everyone else did because it was the "cool" thing to do, or just to fit in with the "in crowd". I never followed just to gain approval from friends, relatives, etc... I would basically have rather been a loner, happy with myself, than to be someone I wasn't, just to gain their approval or for them to be be my friend.

My philosphy on this has been, and always will be.....

I am who I am, you either like me or you don't. I was not put on this earth to please you, I was put on this earth to please God. If you don't like me, I will not lose sleep over it, if you do, that's great!

It must be very hard to feel that you need to please everyone all the time. My sister is still like this to this day. I always tell her she needs to worry about herself more and stop catering to everyone else. If you don't want to do something, then say NO! Don't just do it because you think someone will get mad at you, or be upset. There are times when we have to look out for ourselves, and if it upsets someone, then oh well!
Posted 1/3/2012 4:24 AM (GMT 0)
Great input everyone and I would love to hear more from others if they would like to share.  I have this well under control now as you cannot manage an ER and get stuck in the "trying to please everyone mode".  I still get caught up when asked to do something but my pat answer when I cannot or do not want to do something is to say, " I thank you for thinking of me but I will have to say no to this request".

As a care giver I have to pick and choose what I am willing to do and what I must do to maintain my own emotional well being.

I just thought this topic is one I have never seen anyone bring up here and it might make for a good discussion.

Kindly,

Kitt

 

Posted 1/28/2012 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
Fox 7, I am wondering if you are my sister - LOL. What you typed is exactly the words that come from my sister. I was born an emotional, sensitive, middle child. We had a very disfunctional, verbally and physically abusive household. The physical abuse stopped after a while, but the verbal abuse and witnessing the behavior of a self serving, self-absorbed, habitual liar of a father left some damage.
It is amazing to me that my sister and I came from the same house hold. It made her disposition much like yours, and mine much like Kitt's.
We won't even get into the impact it had on my brother. My sister has always lectured me and often would tell me she needs to b*tch me up. She gets irritated that I tend to be sensitive and overly empathetic to others feelings. I guess I took knowing what it feels like to be hurt and rejected as a message to make sure I don't do things that will create others to feel the same way. It also made me too in tune with others' emotions and made me truly put other people's needs in front of my own, even to my own detrement (spelling?). Don't get me wrong, I wish I would have came out of the situation much like my sister, because I feel my dispostion has been a bit of a life long curse.(creates worry, anxiety, etc.) People always tell me how friendly and nice I am, but generally that back fires on me, especially at work. I will have to say I am getting much better with saying no and keeping check on how much I give of myself emotionally, but not often enough. I am also getting better with everything else that comes with it, so I am hopeful to be more like my sister as I age. I am 44, so I need to expedite the process :-)
Posted 1/28/2012 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
I can say these 4 are my downfalls:

You depend on others' approval to determine your self-worth

You fear rejection or conflict

Even when you are doing well, it's not enough

If you do something that someone else doesn't approve of, you feel guilt or stress.

I had a lot of rejection as a child and felt I never measured up. I find myself in what I "do" not in who I am. But, when I discovered I was somebody with what I did, I completely lost who I was. So much, as to who am I if I no longer do the job I went to college, and was trained to do? I think about what others may think if I no longer do the job I was licensed for. I think about what class does that put me in. Pride! It is all prideful thinking. I am just as good as a cashier as I am as a professional. No person should ever think they are too good to flip burgers. Now that I have convinced myself, I need to relay that to others whom I know will judge. I always felt I had to achieve more and more to be approved of and not rejected. I am learning...life is a learning game and I have been playing for a long time, trying to avoid check mate.
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