random check-in ranting spew

hheelllooo

I have had no face to face human interaction since Friday. Also I think I have diabeties. Also I need to stop eating.

Today I had

• 2 slices of wholegrain bread with peanut butter
  
  
• 3 oranges and 2 apples
  
  
• a bowl of sugarpuffs and milk
  
  

The sugarpuffs were unnecessary.

I still can't find a job (22 days now) and I can't account for the time I've had, all these free days. I still haven't received any money from the government. Sometimes the heating breaks. Tonight it's -5. Emmm. Last night was very, very hard and I should have called someone and talked it through but did something stupid instead, as per usual. In times of bleak panic or depression, why do I always default to the bad coping techniques?

I went to a private school, and I feel I've wasted my parents' money, as I have nothing to show for myself. I don't own this house, I don't own a car. I don't have a job. I feel like I deserve nothing and can do nothing, that I'm worthless and useless.

All today I had vertigo-like symptoms. Things seemed to be getting bigger or smaller, and I felt so dizzy and disoriented. Walking was hard, and I thought I was going to vomit for most of the day.

I just feel like life is slipping by so fast and I can't catch hold of it. I'm a complete loser. I never thought it would be like this. People had such high expectations of me, and so did I. Sorry, I'm nearly crying. hahaha. It's just the panic is like spiky white lightning all the time and I'm afraid to leave the house. It's easier to manage like this alone than to fake feeling normal in front of everyone else.

I'm sorry, this is a stupid post. I've tried being strict and disciplined with myself and setting timetables and striving to achieve and clearly it hasn't worked. I'm out of options.

CW,

Good Morning.  I am glad you came here and let out your feelings. Considering where you are in your life right now it is natural to feel anxious, lonely, and isolated.  Your world has changed from how you knew it 22 days ago.  Beating yourself up and blaming yourself because you are not meeting your goals is not ok.  Perhaps your goals are set to high and the economy of the world is not your fault.  You did not cause what has happened to you.

Work on changing the way you talk to yourself.  Tell yourself that "my mind is tricking me  into thinking I have diabetes".  Tell yourself "it is OK that I did not call anyone last night but the next time I will pick up the phone and call someone".

So you resorted to some unhealthy eating; well today is a new day so try to keep a diary of what you choose to eat as well as write down your feelings when you choose a food that is not as healthy as it coud be and see if you are eating comfort foods for your feelings of anxiety. 

I cannot count the times I chose ice cream over an apple because I was looking for comfort only to feel guilty and beat myself up for doing something "stupid".  I know now I was not stupid.  I was a person in pain and looking for comfort only to find it for a short time in a giant bowl of ice cream. 

As far as crying,  it is good to let the tears out when we feel like crying as it helps release the pain and stress of high anxiety.

Make every effort not to isolate yourself.  Get out and do something, anything that will put you back out in the real world.  Keep on talking with us and never give up.

Kindly,

Kitt