Wife will die painfully from Huntingtons

I hate everything about my life. I am 28 years old and the only thing coming my way is the untimely death of my dear wife. In college I was stupid enough to listen to a professor who gave me the advice to do study what I most enjoyed, and ended up getting a BA in psychology. Having not known the fact that in order to work in the field I would need at least a Masters I have held mainly HR related jobs or accounting.

I currently work as an underpaid, unappreciated office manager for a small company and every day I wake up I despise my life. I drive 45 minutes to work for 13 dollars an hour doing essentially 3 peoples' jobs for a micromanaging, evil boss devoid of all empathy and appreciation. I haven't had a raise in 2 years and my boss just barks "the economy is bad whaddya want." In addition to this he is uneducated for the most part and came into money through inheritance so I have to proofread all his e-mails, letters and basically any correspondence. I even have to sit in on meetings to better describe our needs to vendors and contractors even though none of this was in the job description.

My family thinks I am a failure and constantly ridicule me at social gatherings for not having a "career." I have looked for work everywhere you can think of and can't seem to find a decent offer anywhere. 

My wife, a strong minded, humorous, beautiful and witty intellectual woman who works as a museum curator with a degree in history. I enjoyed 3 sweet years of marriage with her and endured everything until I got the news that she discovered her mother had not died of simply cancer, but huntingtons. This is a dominant gene so there was a 50% chance of her receiving the gene, and being that we were planning on having a family we decided to have genetic testing.

Needless to say she was positive (of course, why would anything go right in my life anyway?) and she has gone into a state of deep depression. I try to be strong for her but with onset so close at hand as far as age it is difficult. I have locked each and every negative emotion deep within me so as to keep her preoccupied and happy but it is growing so intense I feel as if I am about to physically combust. I know it is not healthy to do so but I cannot bring myself to talk to anyone about my feelings of self hatred and helplessness. I realize my condition but cannot change it. When my wife passes away I have no plans on continuing this plight. I will have nothing left but a life a despair and agony and suffering. Why has God cursed me with such a terrible life WHY

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 2/7/2012 11:27:51 AM (GMT-7)

Despair_agony_pain

Welcome to HealingWell and the A & P Forum.  My heart goes out to you as I can feel your pain in your post. 

First let's talk about your job.  Please don't feel you chose the wrong degree as you picked what you like to do.  Your right, finding a job is a whole other story. I do feel that the job market is looking more promising so perhaps now is the time to put out feelers, do some net-working.  I am sure I am not telling you anything you don't already know so please don't think I am minimizing your concerns.

You can get a job with a degree in psychology almost anywhere that does not require special license or training in addition to your BA.  For instance, you can work as a human service associate in State or Local Government, you can work for some mental health providers as a general case manager, or you can work as a residential staff person in many inpateint and outpatient facilites.

I worked for many years in a job I loved and was fortunate to make a career that worked for me but I too did many duties that I learned on the job and in my job description they fell on the heading of " an other duties as assigned to you by your manager".

You are not a failure and your family be danged !  Remember it is not what other people think of you but what you think of yourself that truly counts. Guilt over what others say is a wasted emotion so don't go there.

I am sorry but I did a short edit on your post as we  refrain from talking of harming ourselves in the forum.

I can understand why your wonderful wife is depressed even thow I cannot imagine how traumatic this dx has been. Each person who inherits the HD gene and lives long enough sooner or later develops the disease. However, the time of onset of the disease can vary greatly from one person to the next. I do hope for your wife that it is a very long time before she has problems. I wish I had better words of comfort.  

For yourself, have you considered seeing a counselor as you have so much going on in your life and I sense you need help in getting through the tough times.  Please reach out and ask for help as well as keep coming here and talking to us.

Kindly,

Kitt