Posted 2/7/2012 10:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone! I've been on this forum before years ago when I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but couldn't remember my old account info.
A few years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of 2 sexual assaults. I've made a lot of progress over the years! I went from not being able to even answer the phone... let alone leave the house without having a panic attack... to being able to do many of those things now with only a few things I can't seem to get over quite yet. I finally got SSI and Medicaid, so I'll be able to go see a therapist again soon but I had some questions for you all.
An ex boyfriend pointed out it seems that when I get emotionally overwhelmed I tend to emotionally retreat, or withdraw myself from people. From what I understand, emotional withdrawl or emotional distancing is common in people with PTSD, but I wanted to have some more confirmation on it for a very good reason, in my opinion. A little background if I may. (Bless you if you actually make it through reading all of this)
The ex I mentioned, we'll call him Mike. Well after we split I was quite devastated. I kept praying for us to get back together, as I'd thought he was the one. But after a while, I started praying for him to find peace and happiness, no matter what that meant for us, and instead started praying that God would allow me to find the man who was right for me. I found peace in the split up with Mike and we're still very good friends.
So months pass, and I meet this guy we'll call Bill on an online game I enjoy playing. He lives in Arizona, I'm in Virginia now. One night we started talking about PTSD, and he has it too, only his cause was serving our country in Iraq. Normally, I would not be open at all to a long distance relationship, and normally I'd be quite turned off by his apparent level of impatience in a lot of things. He seemed to be more patient with me however. He would call me every morning and say "Hello Beautiful", and we'd talk for hours, and were always the last person each would speak to before going to sleep at night. I'm not sure what it was, but it felt like every relationship I'd ever been in (I'll be 31 in March) was preparing me for him to come into my life. Before I'd never even consider moving so far away from home to be with someone, but had we both felt strong enough in the relationship, I'd have immediately started making arrangements to go be with him.
Well one day Bill was trying to talk to me about something that I apparently do on occasion that can be sort of... annoying I suppose. I was so already overwhelmed, as I was trying to find a home for my dog (who was a very dear friend of mine who'd passed away's dog and I promised to watch over... landlord was making me get rid of her because some OTHER tenants he had, had a dog adn totally ruined everything. my mother was driving me nuts, plus I was feeling AWFUL that day. There was too much emotional stuff going down, and when he tried talking to me it was just too much and I just emotionally shut down the rest of the day.
Afterward, he seemed a little distant. When I asked what was wrong he said he needed a little space to think. And after a few days we talked, and he'd said for some reason, and he couldn't explain why, he just sort of lost the desire to really talk to me as much as he did. He had wanted some space to see if he really missed talking like we were, but he didn't and didn't know why. He'd also said however, that he was still certain that had whatever happened not happened, he really felt the relationship could have went very far, he just didn't know why it changed.
I can't help but think that me emotionally distanced myself that day, caused him to do the same. He'd had a REALLY bad experience with a long distance relationship before, and I can't help but wonder if he subconsciously emotionally distanced himself from me, and it's the PTSD, as I apparently have a tendancy to do at times.
I really can't think of any other possible explanation, and I guess what I'm trying to ask here is,... has anyone else had problems with emotionally shutting themself out from everyone when it seems there's just too many emotions to deal with at once? Or do you tend to shut yourself down emotionally if someone you really care about in life, whether it's romantic, friend or family... if they seem to be withdrawn, do you sometimes withdraw yourself too because there's like... a fear in the back of your mind that something bad is coming and you're trying to protect yourself? I really don't want this relationship to be over because of PTSD... I've already lost too much in my life because of it... a darn good job, my first brand new car, my home, friends,.. everything due to PTSD. And this is the one thign in my life where it's never felt so right, and I don't want to lose this to PTSD.
Any insight is greatly appreciated, as I'm EXTREMELY torn up about this =(