First post

I've joined this group similarly to most of you because I am fed up with my anxiety and I want to do something about it rather than keep pushing it off and living with it day by day.

My story has many facets and phases of anxiety starting with my childhood. I can remember as early as about seven years dealing with becoming nervous for no apparent reason or understanding especially at my young age. When I look back on my early anxiety I am perplexed as to what I was afraid of in social terms because I wasn't concerned with image and appearance. Regardless of this, every morning before I ventured off to school I would vomit. This progressed from once to many times in the small amount of time I would use to get ready for school. I would attempt to do it as close as possible to the time I was picked up or driven to school so that my anxiety would not have enough time to regenerate itself in the form of nauseousness and cotton mouth that would gag me to the point where I could not swallow causing me to vomit. When my parents first discovered this they obviously came to the conclusion that it was something physical that most would first assume. I was taken to countless doctors during the time from about 7-11 which I can only imagine cost large sums of money to my parents. It was when I entered Junior High my parents and myself realized it could not be something physical. From then on I began seeing therapists and psychiatrists, and I eventually made a break through right before I entered high school which was quite important to me. I don't know if it was through the therapist or something intangible happened but the vomiting associated with my anxiety that impacted my daily life stopped. Even during important school functions such as tests, presentations, and social events outside of school only brought mere butterflies. The only remnant of this anxiety that has stayed with me to this day is during sporting events. My sports anxiety has always hurt me in competing and it is something I've never been able to beat although the severeness of it fluctuated. When I look back on it, high school, although somewhat stressful at the time, was the only time I can remember functioning without any conscious though on anxiety (excluding sports).

That brings me to college. My first semester was filled with much hope in academia and in my social life. However, a few months into the semester I had an "episode", if you will that aided in the formation of a new anxiety. A couple of friends and myself went to eat at the dining hall after we had finished playing basketball. Obviously we went back to our respective dorms and cleaned up and showered before we went to eat. As I remember, when we walked to the dining hall I was still quite warm from the shower and as we entered the dining hall it too was quite warm. I began to sweat more than I would normally and I could nit keep my focus off of it. When I went to get my food I could keep it somewhat under control but as we sat down at the table there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was sweating to the point where my hair was clearly sopping and it could also be seen as attempted to wipe it off with my sleeves, staining my shirt around the shoulders and arms. My friends realized this and one of them would not let it go and the only thing I could think to do was leave and be on my own. This started a whole chain of events that brings me to today. At first I didn't think much of it but eventually I began asking myself, "What if this happens in class? What if this happens at a party? What happens when I start my new summer job when I get home after school lets out?". I also began exhibiting classic symptoms of someone trying to prevent my new anxiety physically by always having ice water, standing close to open windows even if it was particularly cold. I also have begun wearing baseball caps in almost any social situation as to hide my hair when it becomes moist with sweat.

I turned 20 yesterday and have began thinking of trying to consciously mature my character and personality. But with my anxiety I can't even do simple things let alone consciously mature. How can I sit through a job interview or a social setting that requires formal attire if I have to wear a hat on my head to hide myself? I can't even get a haircut for fear that I will start sweating and disgust the barber. It holds me back from so many social situations and I am so tired the weight it puts on my shoulders in addition to other stress in my life. I can't go to my parents because I feel that as a man I can solve my own problems and I want them to know that I'm stronger than the little kid I used to be. I also can't personally afford expensive therapy (or get transportation to a respectable therapist in the town I attend school at) and I sure as hell don't want to have my parents refinance another round of anxiety support. I can't even tell them about it. I also don't want medication although I'd like to find a method of dissipating my anxiety as quick as possible. I've told a few friends but they've only briefly reached out to me. I don't know what to do.

I'm 20 years old yesterday. I don't even have the courage to get a haircut. I'm trying to make changes in every aspect of my life but its not working all too well. What can I do?

It's been a while since I've posted last. I guess I've been doing better with anxiety. I've looked over certain posts and found ways to cope with my anxiety. It seems to have worked somewhat but I also feel as if I've gotten very comfortable with my daily routine but that's all about to change when I come home from school in next week. I start work but before that I have my sister's graduation and am dreading sitting through the ceremony and being outside of my comfort zone. I've also encountered a great deal of stress lately because of school work and upcoming finals. I've noticed that there have been other people here to help me as well. I've talked more with friends and brothers in my fraternity and they've in turn told me of their struggles with anxiety.

That being said I think it has morphed into something worse even in the past couple of days. I recently attended my fraternity's formal and had a great time with my friends and my date. Although my anxiety did affect me it was not my main concern of the weekend. We went to Chicago stayed at a great hotel and had a great party and we arrived home this Sunday. I've had feelings for the girl that I took to this formal for almost two years now and ever since we starting attending the same university together. In an interesting turn of events she began to date my roommate last year but I considered him a good friend and was happy for them. They have recently broken up and saw this as my opportunity as my friend and I had grown apart and our social lives at school were leading us apart. This weekend I brought my date and didn't want to seem overly aggressive in my pursuit of her and I wasn't able to tell her how I've felt. It came to my attention that she was not attracted to the idea of us ever being anything more than friends in a physical sense. It might be caused by my perception as of myself as having a lack of maturity but I can't be sure. Now this might sound like someone having their heart broken by a crush but I think it has thrown a battle I am having with depression into the forefront of my mind. I've been questioning my flaws these past few day to the point where I have become physically sick. I can't bear the pain much longer but I've come to the conclusion that a Summer away from school will allow me to make changes. I'm still not sure what I can do though. I think this depression stems from my anxiety and I hate it. I've never felt so physically terrible because of my emotions and I need an outlet to male the pain stop but this is coming at a point in my life where I am busier than ever and it seems more important to cover up my feelings than face them. I wouldn't say things have gone from bad to worse but I think I've added more unwanted baggage. What can I do? Is changing myself a good idea?

Hi Scaredy Cat,

Do you have a link to these specifically? I'm having trouble finding the exact pages. Maybe I'm just skeptical of some of the methods but I think I'm just not looking in the right place. It'd be great if you could find those for me. Sorry if I'm making things hectic for you but I want to make sure I practicing the correct techniques.

Thank You So Much,

SWJ

P.S. It helps so much knowing that there is someone I can talk too even if I can't see their face.