Memory/Focus

Well lately things have been going pretty well, my mood has definitely been a lot better then it has been in a long time.  There are still times, and sometimes very often that I feel the effects of anxiety though.  I even start thinking maybe it's more then anxiety and a serious problem.  I guess the best example I could give of this would be my memory problems.  When people tell me things and I don't remember them and they remind me, I really beat myself up over it.  I get mad that I can't remember that someone told me about a party or a birthday or an event going on.  At work I know A LOT of the customers by name the moment they walk in the door.  Then certain days (today, probably bc I had a miserable nights sleep) I couldn't even remember customers that I know for a fact that I know them.  I kept questioning what day it is today and at work I kept thinking I forgot (which I guess I couldn't have forgot because I was thinking about me forgetting it) about my online bachelors program that started today that I had homework due for.  I got everything done today that needed to be done though, I guess that's the positive thing.

My main worry is, should I be concerned with this laid back and memory lapsing mood that I've been in lately?  I'm switching jobs from my current credit union to a very competitive bank at chase where I've heard from A LOT of people at my current credit union that they said Chase will fire or terminate your employment quickly if you're not reaching your quotas.  I'm not even really worried about it though, I'm looking forward to it but when everyone starts reminding me of the negatives I can't help but think and wonder did I really think this through?  Or am I just making decisions without thinking of the consequences?  Am I just mindlessly going through everyday and going through the motions like some sort of zombie who can't remember what day it is?

Obviously I know some of these thoughts are just downright stupid.  But when my anxiety is spiking, and the lights are bothering me, and I'm feeling the effects of depersonalization/derealization very bad (I hate these feelings, they are THE WORST), it's hard for me to shake the stupid thoughts of what day is it?  Why don't you know what day it is?  Then I start blaming myself and thinking something is seriously wrong with me.  Eventually I snap out of it though, or I just get through the day and go to bed with a .5 xanax and some melatonin lol.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?  Should I be more concerned about this memory problem?  I've just been trying to tell myself keep rolling with the punches and keep moving forward, one thing I do have to say though.  I don't even recognize the guy in the mirror anymore with the things I do on a daily basis now.  If you would have told me 4 years ago pre-severe anxiety problems that I would be a personal banker for chase I would have laughed at you.  I thought then that I was not built for a social/personable job like that.  Times have changed I guess and so have I?

Have you been tested for seizures? I had dr's try forcing anxiety pills on me for the same type of problems and i finally found out that i have partial complex seizures. they make you zone out for a couple seconds to minutes and has some memory fog or other problems before or after depending on the part of the brain the seizure is in. I ended up having to quit college and my job because i just couldnt remember much of anything. might be something for you to look in to

Thanks guys for the great advice that you have all given me on this topic. I really do think it's in my best interests to continue with the move to Chase. It's a higher position/title, and I will be getting trained up and certified in certain licensing exams that will help me boost my resume for my next position after this. I just get worried about my care-free approach to it (I rarely am care-free lol). Because it's just strange that everyone at my job seems totally petrified to go to a big bank, and although I have my skepticisms about how they conduct or do certain things, I have no doubt that I will struggle slightly in the beginning but eventually have no problem with this job.

Kitt and SC you're both dead on when you say that I need to keep focusing on the positive things. I guess that's the funny thing too, my mood has been so good lately that I've actually been smiling/laughing at times. That didn't happen for a loooong time. So maybe this lexapro is kicking in? Or honestly....I'm such a mental case with NEEDING to feel like I'm WORKING and attaining something, I think it could all be related to my anxious/happy feeling towards the new opportunity at chase.

And Kitt your right, there are so many negative comments and things that swirl around us at times. In the past I have always let these thoughts keep me down, and I would start believing all the false nonsense. Now I try my best to block it out. At that dinner the other night, although everyone did annoy me and get me aggravated, I still left feeling as if I was still doing the right thing. Yes, they did make me question myself for a second and maybe even for the night, but I never thought about going back on my decision. I look back on that now a little differently. And you guys can tell me if this is me being egotistical or not? I've gone through so much, as I've sure you guys have to, and I'm sure others have as well who don't even post on these forums through anxiety. I thought about giving up, I thought I'd never see tomorrow, I thought about how there's no way out. And through it all I'm succeeding at my job, keeping my friends, battling through it. So I'm going to let "higher goals" or "higher quotas" or a "competitive environment" stop me? Come on now, I feel like I've been through the ringer. There's not much more you can toss at me that I feel that I haven't dealt with. And honestly, nobody criticizes me more then I criticize myself. So I'm not worried about failing because when it comes to work especially, I refuse to let that happen. (granted anxiety grants me the ability to do so :) )

And just to touch on the seizure topic from unkown, I did have a seizure when I was younger. Probably like 2-3 years old? Obviously I dont remember but my parents always told me growing up about it and how it scared them to death. They said it was a reaction from a shot or something I had. I never had a seizure since so I don't know, I doubt that's what the issue is though.