Hi, Everyone,
It's been a loooong time since I've been here. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but times when I'm on even keel, I don't want to think about
anxiety and depression, so I disappear. I am sorry to be that way, but I have to be careful to not start dwelling on bad stuff.
Anyway, I came today b/c something has happened that I do not understand and am too embarassed to tell anyone about
. I mentioned it to my psychiatrist, but even then didn't tell him the full story. I felt so ashamed! So here it goes (and this is hard!)
Very briefly first, I am 47 and have never married and have always lived with my Mom b/c of disability due to anxiety disorders and depression and phobias. I've never had a boyfriend or even a kiss. I'm as "old-maid" as they come. Then there's the fact that I'm still always concerned with keeping Mom happy, even at my own expense. OKAY. With all that said, here's what happened.
One night I was watching a rerun of a comedy series from the 80's-90's. The 30-something , never-married character (I'll call her Beth) is in love with this guy (I'll call him Joe). He knows it but doesn't have any romantic feelings for her until he takes her on a date to her high school reunion b/c her high school best friend (I'll call her Sue) came back and was making Beth feel really low. As he hears Sue making sly remarks meant to hurt Beth, he turns the tables on Sue by acting all lovey-dovey and completely smitten with Beth. Thus Sue ends up feeling like the loser, despite having a rich hubby and highbrow life. When Joe takes Beth home, he tells her that he needs to say something. Before he can, she says that she knows he didn't mean any of the nice things he said but she appreciated it very much. He tells her that it's not what he was going to say. So she asks him what it is he was wanting to say. He then recites a beautiful poem "She walks in beauty like the night..." by Lord Byron. He kisses her and leaves. From that moment on, their characters begin to grow together and they eventually marry later on in the series. I felt so happy for the characters. And yes, I know it's FICTION, but ever since I've watched it, I obsessively think about
the actress that played Beth (not in a gay way and I'm not trying to get into a controversy by saying that. I'm just trying to be clear. I actually feel like she and I could be great buddies if we knew each other). She really is so hilarious and is a fantastic actress. I relate to her and the character she played in a number of ways. But even so, why in the world can't I get this out of my mind?! It's so stupid! I feel like a freak! I'm past the age of idolizing celebrities (they put their pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us and being in the public eye doesn't make them better people than ones that aren't!) I also felt really sad when I found out that Whitney Houston died and I've never followed her career, although I admired her singing. Lately, I've been am emotional mess with more depression and some feelings of anxiety creeping in too much again. My GP put me on Coreg for hypertension and I took it for 2 weeks. I'm wondering if it contributed to my depressive feelings, so I stopped taking it as of last night. My psych. upped my Paxil from 60 mg to 80 mg. And he wants me to go back into therapy which I really don't want to do. I was in it for years and all it accomplished for me was making me dig up old wounds. I have an appt. with a therapist on 3/23 b/c I don't want to come across as an uncooperative patient. I'm always afraid of losing my SSI...also, the psych. said he might add Abilify to my meds or either change me from Paxil to some other AD. I was on Zoloft for 12 years and have been on Paxil for 5-6 years. I'm also on Buspar 60 mg a day (the max). For anxiety, he's given me Vistral.
I feel like I'm losing it. Anxiety and depression are not fun ever, but what's with the obsessive thinking about
an actor of all things?!?!?
Can anyone please offer me some thoughts here?
Janetlee
PS-If you know the name of the program I mentioned, please don't post it b/c I don't want this thread to come up in a search about
that show! I' already scared and embarassed as it is! SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!