Help again guys

Hello again guys, it's been awhile since I posted or have checked up on the site.  I have been pretty bad lately with my mood/anxiety.  I've recently switched jobs from a teller position at one bank to a personal banker position at my new bank, and have gone back to college at university of phoenix which is an online college.  In the past I've always had such a hard and terrible time with school.  It always made my stress/anxiety level spike and everything always went out of whack.  I've dropped out of college like 4 or 5 times already and this is my first attempt at an online college.  Not to mention the very first time I was diagnosed and had a bad enough episode of anxiety that I went to a doctor...was when I attempted to go back to college 3 years ago while working full time.

I don't know if it's as easy as pinning it on school again though.  I've had a very rough go at it for the past 3 years as you guys have known from my posts.  I've gone through phases where I felt things were looking up, then back to feeling down again.  I get in these obsessive thought patterns in which I tell myself I can't do something, that I'm not built for the job/career that i'm in.  I convince myself that I'm not a people person or not good at communicating and start withdrawing myself from friends/family/work.

My mood swings became so bad that just today I thought about walking out and quitting my job.  My moods get like this bad sometimes and I've noticed a pattern of it happening everytime I attempt to go to school.  I deeply and very badly want to finish school though.  It's theonly way I can put myself in an opportunity to get a better job and career path.  One thing I keep thinking though, especially at work, is thinking back to the days when I worked with my family business (the good times) and thinking about how much fun and drive I had to feel as if I was really and truly working and building something worthwhile.  I haven't had that feeling in so long, I find myself fallling into the trap of feeling like I'm just carrying out the dirty work of some big organization just to help them reach their numbers....while totally muting my inside voices/feelings/opinions that are telling me that some of the stuff I am doing is wrong.  I hate being pushy and being a forceful salesman, or even feeling as if I come off that way.

Really starting to question whether or not I'm cut out for this type of sales business.  But what other option do I have besides putting my head down and working through it again?  None I guess.  Although today I honestly came SO close to giving notice and walking out the door.  Thank god I texted my brothers and told them what I was thinking and they talked some sense into me.  I just can't take the mood swings and the impulses I get sometimes.  I've been taking 20 mg of lexapro now for about the last 4-5 months as well as xanax as needed.  I typically only take it at night to help myself sleep, but I've stopped doing that for the last 5 days.  Also I stopped taking it during the day about 3 months ago.  I hate taking the xanax and dream of a day that I can get back to mysel fwithout medicine....it's so annoying to have to depend on it.

Also I've noticed myself having some ridiculous complaints on top of these normal ones.  The reason why I know I'm still suffering from anxiety is TERRIBLE DP/DR, lights bothering my eyes, sounds appearing to sound muffled, confused, and constantly fidgeting and uneasy.  I hate how ridiculous and awkward I feel all the time.  It's been 3 years of this and although there's been ups and downs...you would think that I'd be in a better place by now then where I am currently.  Where is all this darn therapy and medicine getting me?  Feels like nowhere...

Mike -

From your post, you seem like a very thoughtful and self-aware kind of guy. Those are great characteristics.

A banker can help achieve the objectives of the organization (the bank) and at the same time help individual customers understand financial issues and achieve their own objectives. So the new job does not have to be all bad. Besides, it pays the bills, right?

I admire you for pushing forward with the college work even though it is difficult to do. Few worthwhile endeavors are easy.

Best wishes, Medved

Mike I want to encourage, you. my grandaugter is doing an oinline highschool. She is getting A-s She has Bipolar. and this just fits her. you do work on your time. If you dont feel bad one day you dont fail.

hang in there , I have two degrees and I am so happy that i have them..


hugs, Caren

Thanks everyone for the advice. Wednesday I was having such a bad day. I thought I was at the boiling point and I honestyl felt like I was going to snap. It's crazy how different a day or two can make. I'm in no way completely worry free today or anything, but I am in a much better state of mind. On thursday I went out fishing with a friend and that started out rough anxiety wise. Had terrible depersonalization, felt like I didn't even know my friend or anyone. Kept forgetting where I was at times. It eventually died down or I just learned to ignore it. The day out on the beach really did me a lot of good. I was able to clear my head a little bit. Although I still do think that accounting or a less sales/stress filled job might be better suited for me, I feel like I owe it to myself to atleast stick this job out for awhile. It would look terrible on my resume to keep jumping from job to job.

The hard part for me is going to be ok with making all these sales calls and "pushing" the products. I know I can do teh right thing by the organization and by the customer at the same time. But at times that's not what management or the organization wants you to do. They TELL you they want you to do the right thing by the customer, but then turn around and peg a number that you MUST hit, NO EXCUSES. Well that seems just a bit hypocritcal now doesn't it? How am I giong to do the right thing by them if I'm forced to sell them something that they don't really need?

As far as why do I feel I need a college degree so bad? I guess it's because during the years of working with my father's business I began to feel stuck. He used to always say well if you're not going to school what other options do you have left? I don't think it's a negative thing to say really, it's just true and factual. The only problem is that I have terrible anxiety and stress problems at school. Everytime I've gone I seem to drop out because I just hit the breaking point with it. So far so good with this online school though for the most part, it adds a lot of stress but atleast I don't have to worry about going to class or messing up my grade with attendance problems which was always the case in the past. To me right now education is the thing I need. Without a degree in accounting or any bachelors, my options for work are really limited. Why limit myself to having to settle for a position that I know I don't want?

Also maybe it's egotistical of me but I compare myself to others a lot. Especially to people above me at work and some of the actions or decisions they make. I'm amazed sometimes at some of their ideas or their opinions on things. It makes me realize that if they can be in that position there's no reason that I can't do that same job. The difference? A degree

Mike,

Glad to read you are feeling better and also that you are using your medications.  I do know how you are feeling as I have been in a very low place since right after Christmas so for me the last 3 months have been pretty dang tough.  I am head back up hill now and the best advice I can give you is to is to keep an open mind.  " It is essential to keep an open mind and to be willing -- better yet-- to be eager to try new things." ~ Michael Abrash

Kindly,

Kitt