Just as I thought I was doing better, I had another setback...this is kind of a long story, so thank you to all of those who do read this.
I mentioned on Friday that I had joined an anxiety support group and was really pleased with it. Well, after the first group meeting, they all invited me to go out with them and I quickly agreed. Looking back, I realize this was a stupid thing to do but anyway...I went out with them to a diner and had a really great time. One of them suggested we go back to their house to smoke ****. Let me just say that before this, I had never smoked **** and never really planned to. I was feeling good though and not thinking of the consequences. I was so desperate to just have a good time, and I didn't want to go home, so I just agreed. They all assured me I would be fine, and that the **** actually helped them get OVER their anxiety.
Long story short, I smoked, and within 20 minutes, I had a horrible panic attack that lasted for what seemed like hours, on and off. I felt like I was dreaming and had the worst case of derealization. I was also convinced during all this that I had symptoms of dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder) and that I had smoked my way into hell. I felt extremely self-conscious because everyone kept talking about
how **** I was and, ugh... This lasted for hours until I finally started coming down, and by then I was so emotionally and physically drained that I went right to sleep. I had vivid, strange dreams all night and when I woke up, I couldn't stop crying.
Even now as I type this, I keep waiting to black out as if I actually have DID. I know that logically, it's not possible, but I can't help but wait for it to happen. I've been terrified all weekend because of it. I shouldn't have smoked thinking it would help my anxiety - it actually made it worse. I know that others have different effects, whatever, but as for me...I couldn't have done anything more stupid. Obviously, I can't go back to that group, and that's the part that bums me out the most. I actually thought I'd found a group of people who would help me out. I don't think they realized I would have such an effect to it, and I really don't think they meant to be mean, but still...I just can't go back there.
I feel like I take a step forward and then ten steps back, like can't I just get a break?! I don't want to have this anxiety for the rest of my life! I don't want to develop DID, or schizophrenia, or be a recluse and never be happy. More importantly, I don't want to bother anyone else with my problems but so far, holding it in has been far from effective. I just don't know what to do anymore...
Post Edited By Moderator (Scaredy Cat) : 5/6/2012 4:27:52 PM (GMT-6)