What's up all? Still on this amazing rollercoaster ride and hoping that this ends soon like I always seem to be wishing for. I tell ya, there's times where I absolutely feel like I have lost my mind completely. The feeling of being outside of my body, feeling blank, not being able to remember things, etc. It all takes a toll on me at times. I'm still on the 20 mg of lexapro and am taking xanax only at night to help me sleep. I get in about
like 5-6 hours a night which isn't all that terrible. It's mostly broken up though, wake up a lot.
Been finding myself thinking a lot about religion more and more as I progress through these problems with anxiety. It used to get me really worried that I was going schizophrenic because I remembered reading once that becoming obsessed with religion could always be a symptom. I could be totally making that up, but it's in my head for some reason and I feel like I read that back like 2-3 years ago when I really and truly panicked and read everything on the internet pertaining to anxiety, bipolar, and schizophrenia.
I've also been doing a lot of praying as well as reading the bible for the first time in my life. I know everyone has their different religious beliefs which are fine but I really feel as if I need to get myself right and stable again. I never really used to think of religion all that much in the past, all throughout school the talks of darwin's theory of evolution and science topics of how the earth came to be always gave me anxiety. As recent as 3 years ago when this first happened to me I was taking a class on meteorology about how science explains how it affects the weather. It made me panic and think about if this is all just science and there's nothing else after, if there's other planets out there that have life like us here, some really weird crap.
So yea, these strange thoughts really mess with my psychee (however you spell it). I've tried to combat them by just keeping busy be it by reading or by playing games, but the feelings of anxiety and the floating and out of body feeling never truly goes away. It's been hard for me to wrap my head around all the changes going on in my life as well. I recently quit my new job that I was only at for 2 months. I worked at one bank for a year and a half as a teller and then left for another bank for a big raise and to become a banker, a position that wasn't offered to me at the bank I was at before. It was a very bad decision, I hated the position. They were so aggressive and insensitive to customers needs and it didn't sit well with me personally. I just felt wrong doing it everyday and put in notice, and now I am going back to the bank I first started out at as a part time banker. They're much more customer service oriented and hoping there won't have me doing all the cold calling and telemarketing that the other bank did.
On top of all of this, I have felt extremely lonely lately. I guess maybe the new job put me into a dark place again? I started secluding myself from friends again and haven't really seen them in awhile. I don't think it's entirely my fault though. My two closest friends growing up I barely see anymore. My one friend just loves to get drunk and smoke weed, which was all well and good when I was younger. I'm not really into that anymore, especially after going through all these anxiety problems. My other friend moved a half an hour away and has a girlfriend in another state so he's been spending a lot of time over there. I do have other friends, my other close friend works in the bars so I can never see the guy unless I go out on a tuesday or wednesday and then yet again it normally will revolve around drinking. I guess it's not them that changed, it's me. I just don't really know which ways up lately. I'm still pushing through my classes at University of Phoenix online bachelors program for now. Just hoping and praying that I don't snap and lose it. Sometimes I swear it feels like I'm so close to just flipping out.