Hey all, checking in yet again. I'm not sure if I gave you guys the update or not (my memory is really rough lately). But I left the terrible bank I was working at and went back to the credit union that I was working for previously. I'm happy about
the move. I'm back working with people who I'm comfortable and familiar with, and also in an environment that is a lot less stressful and pushy. The bank I worked or didn't give a darn about
the customer and made us solicit and cold call and telemarket people for credit cards, mortgages, checking accounts, etc. It was ridiculous.
So that's the good news, some of the bad news? I'm only part time in my current position now. Atleast when I left the credit union in the past I was a teller and now I'm a personal banker so I'm definitely excited about the promotion even though it's part time. Just kind of rough because the part time benefits are not that great and lexapro is an EXPENSIVE drug. As far as some of the stuff that I've been dealing with personally? I became friends with an anxiety friend from a forum awhile back and always kept in touch when we were both having a rough time. I got angry though (not sure why I got so mad, thinking maybe it was more mad at myself for still suffering from this) when they compared me to their friend. They said "omg my friend has the same exact problem with meds that you do", meaning that they know that I absolutely hate meds. The only thing is that I know the friend they were talking about, and I know they have complained to me a million times of how big of a drug (non anxiety/depression) drug addict he is. I was insulted and pissed off to be compared to someone like that. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, there are days where I'm totally convinced I'm a nutjob....one thing I pride myself on is that I have never and will never turn to illegal drugs for "peace" or whatever reason people do it for.
So basically I'm a little worried about the fact that I've cut them off or basically stopped talking because I feel like it could be a sign of isolating myself. I really haven't hung out much with friends lately because I've been trying to stay away from drinking. I've seen them like 2 x in the last 2 weeks, guess it's not terrible but still gets me thinking that I might be isolating again. My main concern is that for some reason last week, I think it was thursday to be exact......I went into work at a different time. I'm normally scheduled for 8 AM but had to go in at 10 AM. I usually hate doing this because I'm so OCD about having my routine and needing things to be the same. I had the absolute worst panic attack I've had in a LOOONNG time for the first hour at work. I felt it coming on before work that day so thank god I brought my xanax to work (I usually don't). Once I took it I was able to rebound a little bit but the whole rest of the day I was basically just coasting through in dread of that feeling and those thoughts of holy crap I'm crazy coming back. I'm thinking maybe it could be because that was my first night taking my new melatonin I bought for sleep? I bought 10 mg pills for melatonin to help me sleep because I had 5 mg in the past and they didn't really totally knock me out. I've been trying to stay away from the xanax at night for sleep because I really hate taking medications and don't want to become dependent on anything. Also read recently that you should watch taking melatonin if you have depression problems. Well why the heck would the doctor mention and recommend it to me in the first place?
Anyone have any thoughts on any of this going on in my life lately? On top of this all I've been able to still continue with my online classes towards my bachelors degree thank god. I've received 3 A's so far in my first 3 classes in my program and am diong pretty well in the one class I'm taking currently. Just feeling the stress build up like crazy at times, especially last thursday at work when it was extremely overwhelming. Really wonder if I'm losing it sometimes when I can't gain control over my thoughts. Normal for me constantly be thinking of things that I "should" be doing and feeling guilty for not doing them? On top of all these complaints though, I'd have to say that my memory is the number one problem I hate currently. I get mad and beat myself up over forgetting the stupidest things lol. Like leaving out the milk in the morning when I'm making my coffee or forgetting to take documents/important things home from work to file away. Stuff like that can set me back for hours or even the whole day sometimes. Yea, I know it's weird lol