Posted 8/29/2012 7:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,
I'm new here, so I guess I should start with an introduction. I'm 48 and have been dealing with panic disorder and GAD most of my life. My first memory of a panic attack was at age 5, but I assumed everyone had them. It didn't become a full blown disorder until I was 18, when panic attacks were daily events and terrifying, leading to a period of agoraphobia that left me unable to leave my parent's house for 2 years. There wasn't a lot of information available on the subject at that time, but my mother managed to find a behaviour therapist through her family doctor. Our first appointment was in my bedroom, but using CBT and exposure therapy, she got me out of the house and to stores, restaurants, on the bus, at first only with her, but eventually on my own. The panic attacks never stopped, and I never got over my fear of them, even though I've gone through stretches of quite reasonable functioning, with some actual fun thrown in.
After all this time, in the grip of an attack, I still believe I'm going to go crazy or do something horrible. The horrible thing is undefined -- but I'm sure it will be so dreadful that I won't be able to go on knowing that I've done it. I can almost accept the awful feelings of panic, but the irrational thoughts still hold a lot of power.
Now I live alone, my mom has passed away, and my father, who wants to help, is 75 and has his own health issues. I've been getting his groceries for the past few months. I don't have any real friends, probably due to a combination of a life time of keeping people at bay, not wanting the pressure of maintaining friendships, and generally not being very good at meeting people. Right now I'm feeling very isolated and hate it.
I've been unemployed since the company I was working for closed two years ago. I don't know how to go about finding a job. Between the lousy economy, limitations on how far from home I can work, and a sketchy employment history, there aren't a lot of jobs out there for me. I really need to be working again, because without the forced structure of a job, I've lost ALL motivation to do anything.
I'm sorry for all this babbling just to get to the point of this post. I've only been going out about once a week for the last couple of years. I spend all my time on the internet and watching tv, sleeping or trying to sleep, worrying, or being in some stage of a panic attack. I don't know if I've become stuck because I've reverted back to agoraphobia, or because I'm too lazy to put in the effort to go out. It does take a lot of effort, because even a walk around the block means popping a benzo and using an arsenal of CBT techniques.
I hope I didn't bore you so much that you won't respond with ideas about giving myself the needed shove to get out and do things. I'd appreciate as much feedback as all of you can offer. Thank you for having me here.