Posted 9/24/2012 8:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there. I want to help you understand, since you said "I just wish I knew why all of this is happening". The first, quick answer is: this is happening because your brain is overstepping its boundaries. Don't be afraid, this happens to everyone, and everyone has a different way of dealing (or not dealing) with it. People are living creatures who have brains, just like animals, but unlike animals, we have the ability to get entangled and trapped in thoughts and emotions, and it is very unpleasant. Animals have thoughts and emotions, you can look at a dog and see that immediately, but they do not get trapped in those thoughts (unless they are owned by humans, who they can learn bad things from). The brain, which is supposed to be a kind of helpful internal computer, has a sort of flaw in it. Even though it is so good at thoughts (computing, analyzing, criticizing, differentiating) and cutting things up into fine details in order to understand things, it also has a problem: once it gets amped up, it can run and run, and almost control the person who has the brain. It can become very painful. And it is a machine that is so good at what it does, that sometimes it can run so effectively that you can't stop it even though you want it to stop. That is the flaw.
There is good news though. You are not your brain. You are not the same thing as your brain, even though it feels like it. You are a person who has a brain, so there is a difference between you and the brain. Many, many people don't realize that. This is because it feels like it must be the same thing as us, especially when there are thoughts containing the word "I" (I am angry, I am hungry, I am scared). We assume that the brain must be who we are. But then we have an experience where we want the brain to shut up, and we realize we are not the same thing. If I want the brain to shut up, and it won't shut up, can it really be the same thing as me? There is the real person (that's you) and then there is the brain that you want to be quiet: two different things.
This is why it feels like there are "two of us" sometimes, especially during anxiety. It's normal to feel that way. It's not healthy, but it's normal. It feels like there is you, who doesn't want to be thinking anything, and the "other you" who won't stop thinking. But that other you is really just your brain. The brain is the one doing the thinking, it is the thinker. The real you is the person who watches the thoughts. Pay close attention to the difference there. Sometimes it feels like we cannot turn the brain off. The brain is very subtle and good at what it does. And since thoughts are invisible, it can be really tricky to grasp what is going on in the brain sometimes.
You probably noticed that fighting it doesn't seem to work very well. The reason for that, the problem, is that when you fight the brain and it's thoughts, you are fighting it with other thoughts. People try to use the brain to fight the brain and it never works. When you fight it, you are using thoughts to fight your thinker. It will always win because each time you use it to fight it, you just strengthen it through using it to fight, even if you throw a good "punch".
So what's the solution? What's the answer if we can't use the brain to fight the brain? A lot of people use drugs, sex, addictions, relationships, or many different things to distract themselves from the brain. That might work for a little bit, but it's not a great long-term answer. The real answer to the problem is strange and interesting at first: the answer is to watch the brain, knowing it isn't you. Watch it without fighting it. This is easier said then done but when you watch it without fighting it there is something very special that happens. You start to see the craziness of the brain for what it is: a lot of loud noise.
I could say more but I've given you a lot to process already. I hope this helps to get you started.
May God give you peace,
Dan