I AM SO CLOSE TO NOT BEING OK

I feel like I am looking for a hole in the floor to crawl in and be quiet and control my temper for my own good and not have a full blown frenzy panic attack. I have to control myself all the time to keep the peace in my home. Sometimes it is unbearable so I find an escape. I dont want to affect anyone in my family. I dont want my son to worry about me. IF I could just be allowed to go to bed for any length of time I choose without someone wanting to help me. How many times does someone, Me, have to gently tell people to leave me the hell alone. Just stop it, I cant be fixed so please just allow me the privacy I need to cope with my physical and mental self. I am the only one who can help me, I make a choice to come to this forum and it helps me heal a little bit. I dont mind being alone. I like it. Its the only time I feel free to give in to my chronic pain, my depression, my anxiety. It just doesnt last. The phone rings and I feel forced to answer so they wont worry about Cathy. I sound all happy and lie about what I am doing, which is nothing usually. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings, especiially my Mom. She loves me and wants me to be alright. So, for her, I am alright for that phone call once or twice a day. I need to take care of her too. I am sorry for this ramble. I have to go on a long weekend to husands relatives. I DREAD it so much. But, I will endure and next monday I will have it behind me...good night good friends....I feel my meds kicking in so will go to sleep soon....see ya later aligator.......Cathy

Thank you S.C..........I am proud of myself today, but also sad. I am having this terrible flare of Fibro and arthritis. I can barely move without moaning. I made the decision NOT to go on the trip. I cannot stand the pressure. I am an emotional wreck right now and I cannot think straight. I have to find a mental health doctor and psychologist for counseling. I can no longer put off surgery of my neck, even tho it scares me so much. My arms and hands just throb. I cannot button a blouse without great difficulty. My back and legs and feet keep me from exercises. I have some heavy rubber exercize bands that I can do sitting down. I have not checked the temp of my swimming pool this past week.........Anyway, my hubby is going and he should. His sister is turning 80 and many relatives are coming. I think he will have a better time without me. He can relax and enjoy himself. Again, thank you Scardy Cat for your support.......hugs Cathy