Can anyone possibly shed some light on this?

Hi everyone. I am a 49 year old male with a history of anxiety, panic disorder, OCD, depression, tourette's syndrome and a lot of other not-so-fun things. As a child I was diagnosed with Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and put on ritalin.

Over the years, I have noticed that my condition seems to be getting progressively worse and I'm not sure which of my disorders (or combination of them) are causing it. At one time in my life nothing really bothered me. I was footloose and fancy free and for the most part, enjoyed life, had lots of hobbies, friends, etc. Lately however (and after several particularly stressfull events that occurred in my life), I now constantly obsess, over-analyze and worry about everything. It could be something as routine as an upcoming appointment, a visit from my family or any impending date on which an event is to occur. It can also be things I read or hear that trigger negative or scary thoughts that then snowball completely out of control.

I assume most people would just accept these things as part of life and deal with them but in my case, I constantly worry and live in fear of approaching dates and deadlines as I imagine every possible and horrifying scenario/outcome and all of the different things that could go terribly wrong. I even worry and obssess over events that are months or even years into the future and find myself panicking about them. I spend so much time worrying and less time just enjoying life and find myself absolutely dumbfounded when I see all the smiling, laughing, happy people on TV. Why are they so happy and I'm not?.

At it's worst, I can feel the dread, panic, intense fear and adrenalin shooting up through me to the point where I feel like I am about to go mad. Sometimes I break out in a cold sweat, get short of breath, feel completely overwhelmed or just freeze up. The fears even weave their way into my dreams with very intense nightmares almost every night and an even worse feeling of absolute gloom and doom each morning (and usually throughout the day). Sometimes I wake up multiple times during the night with very panicky feelings. Waking up each morning is like a thick, syrupy, hungover, dark cloud, miserable kind of feeling. It's exhausting and very often I sleep in very late or sleep for 10-11 hours not wanting to wake up and face the horror of the day or my racing, obssession-filled thoughts. Then I spend much of the day preparing from some "disaster" that I percieve coming down the pipeline and go to bed that night feeling miserable and exhausted.

To cope, I have begun to devote huge amounts of time each day trying to offload various stressors, often going to extreme lengths. I over-react to everything. I trust very little. I fear everything and everything stresses me out. My life is filled with "what if's". At times, I am very paranoid. I take little things and blow them way out of porportion. I feel like everything is futile, useless, meaningless, without purpose and see nothing but a frightening and gloomy future ahead for me. I no longer have any goals, ambitions or even motivation. Everything is robotic as if my life is on auto-pilot. I'm afraid to go into specifics about anything for fear it will be exploited or used against me in some way and so I'm never really able to express how I feel in any meaningfull depth and so I feel all alone like a prisoner in my own mind. I worry about the state of things in the world. I worry about other people's problems as if they were my own. I have so many worries I can't even remember them all. They control my life. They practically consume my every waking moment.

Ok, here is an example or two. Let's say I had an appointment to see a psychiatrist on a certain date. Some people might take it with a grain of salt. Others might actually look forward to it. A few might be a little nervous. In my case however, my mind kicks into high gear and then the "what if's" start. What if they think I'm insane, lock me up and force me to take drugs that I am deathly allergic to?. What if they don't really think I'm insane but claim they do just to lock me away and collect off my health insurance?. What if they commit me, I am asaulted by another patient, am forced to defend myself and end up with a charge?. What if they force me to take some medication that kills me?. What if they commit me, drug me up so that I look "crazy" and I end up being there for the rest of my life?.

And another one. What if my dog bites someone and I get sued or locked up (or both)?. What if my dog gets loose, runs in front of a car and someone is killed or seriously injured?. What if my dog gets sick, I can't afford to pay the vet bill and I get locked up for "defrauding" the vet or something?. What if the dog gets sick, I can't afford to take it to the vet, the dog dies and I am charge with animal cruelity?. What if the dog gets loose, gets hit by a car and I am unable to cope or function because of the loss?.

I obssess and worry about loved ones dying, getting into an automobile accident, getting a disease, being all alone in life with no friends or family, being homeless, being assaulted by someone or something, not having enough money to pay the bills, having my possessions stolen, finding myself in an impossible catch-22 situation, being overwhelmed and having a major panic attack, things going on in the world (ie; war, brutality, corruption, greed, injustice, people's attitudes, etc). Sometimes I just wish I could have my own little island all by myself to get away from it all but somehow, I get the feeling that I would still find something to worry or obssess about (like sharks at high tide or being swept out to sea, etc).

And oh yes, I get all the brain shocks, dizzy feelings, adrenalin rushes, brain fog, loopy feelings in my head and all the other crazy symptoms that anxiety produces. Right now I feel like a lobotomized zombie from some horror movie.

I could provide lots of specific examples but it would take up page after page. With each of my many fears comes heaps of time-consuming and exhausting "coping mechanisms" or repetative tasks to make the fears and obssessions "go away" and yet the fears, obsessions, etc never seem to go away. I have had tons of tests and seen lots of different specialists. I have been on Ativan for along time, several different anti-depressants as well as a number of other meds with only limited benefit. I am writing all of this in the hope that someone here can relate and/or share their own experience. Something like "yeah, me too" or "sure, that sounds familiar". I have no idea what is causing this but I have several appointments lined up. Perhaps depression. Perhaps OCD. Perhaps anxiety. Perhaps panic disorder. Maybe all four. I know it's not fun - at all.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

- Seth

It hurts me so much to hear what relentless pain Sethp and Cartman are going through. I have had these issues on and off since I was 7 years old. I am now 65. I can ASSURE YOU you are NOT going mad (as much as it might seem that way). I have had ALL your symptoms at various times and yet here I am....still kicking and going on with life. I was diagnosed with Anxious Depression when I was twenty and I think that hit the nail on the head. So over these many, many years I have been intermittently fighting off these symptoms. And yes, there have been years that would pass when I felt relatively normal again....then the old anxiety/depression would kick in again, sometimes without any warning or for any apparent reason (free-floating anxiety the doctor said). Right now I'm back in a cycle of anxiety it seems....don't know why it's acting up now as things are quieter now in my life than they've been in years so who knows. The only piece of advice I can give you is to start laughing at yourself....it won't work at first but the more you do it, the more it will help. Let's face it, even talking about your issues, you seem to know how silly they are but they still debilitate your life. So start making fun of yourself when they start....I do it all the time - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't - but when it doesn't, I still keep doing it until I realize how stupid all this is. Force yourself to think about something positive, even though you don't feel positive. I think it's kind of a CBT thing, although I've never actually been involved in that treatment. But it's kind of like re-traiining your brain to think positively. We're so used to thinking negatively about EVERYTHING, that eventually everything IS negative. 90% of what happens in our lives is the attitude we have toward it. And remember.....worry is like a rocking chair - it keeps you real busy but it doesn't get you anywhwere. Good luck....and you're not mad or insane, just another victim of the ole anxiety/depression scurge. Don't let it get you....get mad at it or laugh at it..it will work in time.