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Marriage and kids... Did you regret going there?

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 11/3/2012 12:25 AM (GMT 0)
My boyfriend has social anxiety. We're both in our 40s and have never married. We've dated for about a year and a half and he is such a wonderful man. Things have been getting serious. He told me recently he had looked at rings. I am still at an age where I can still bear kids...(crossing fingers). We got into a conversation last night about quality of life. He said he wouldn't wish social anxiety on anyone. He said he has a very low quality of life and equated it to a chronic physical disability. I feel that I am in a place between choosing him and a life without kids .... or breaking up, maybe ending up without anyone and no kids ... or maybe finding someone else who doesn't have SAD and have kids ... etc.

Have been through this before? What happened? Do you regret marriage and having/not having kids?

Thanks,

Sandy
Posted 11/3/2012 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
Hello and welcome!

First of all, it is great that you have put so much thought and effort into this! Too many people have rushed into marriage and paid for their haste in one way or another.

Here are some questions that I think you need to ask yourself:

*Has he, or is he willing to go through treament for his disorder. This is something that can be largely overcome!

*To what extent is he able to be around others? Would you be housebound whith no social life at all? Or would it simply be somewhat limited to a small group of friends that he is comfortable with?

*Everyone has challanges/limitations/issues. Is this one a deal breaker for you? Or is it worth the hardship that this may present to be with him?

*Is he adamant about not wanting children?  Is this acceptable to you?  Or would you grow to resent never having children if you were to stay with him?

We really can't tell you one way or the other what your decision should make of course...but thinking on these questions may help to steer you towards your answer.:)

Please know that you are both welcome to post with us here anytime...we are here to listen, care and support!

Best Wishes,

Scaredy Cat

Posted 11/3/2012 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
Sandy,

Hello and wlecome to HealingWell.  It sounds like your in a tough spot but I do believe you will work this out. 

Have you talked with your boyfriend about his disorder, what treatment he is on if any and how this would affect the two of you as parents. 

I am the Mother of 4 and have lived with anxiety and depression since 1982.  My husband is an introvert and has a major disease which often rules his social activities plus he is just not a social type of guy.  Did I know this when we got married - No ?   Would it have stopped me from marrying him - No ?  Do I ever regret getting married - No,  but sometimes I just don't like "the road I travel very much" but hey, nobody promised me a rose garden.  :-)

Our children are well adjusted and all very social.  I am the social one and love my  friends and meeting new people but I learned how to balance having a social life and also having a good life with my husband.  My kids are used to "Dad" and don't even blink when he comes to a family graduation party and leaves early.  We just drive 2 cars as I don't like to have a time limit on how long we can stay.  I may stay for an extra couple of hours and I enjoy myself just fine.

Take your time working this out but be true to yourself so if having children is high on your list than do look at all the options.

Kindly,

Kitt

 

Posted 11/4/2012 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
SC,

* Yes , he sought treatment. Right now he's on high blood pressure medication that is recommended for SA. He has talked once in a while about cognitive therapy but there is one person in this area ("area" being about an hour-two away) who offers that treatment. It would be a really long haul. I don't think he's at at point yet.

* He has a job that requires a lot of interaction with others. He hates it. He is physically stressed by it. He has become what I can describe as a good actor around people. You would never know if he didn't tell you. When it comes to social activities, I ask him to join me in very few activities -- just the important ones for the most part, and he has been really good in making the effort. I am pretty sure he has taken an extra blood pressure pill on some occasions.

* I think about hardship. My dad is very hard headed .. and a bunch of other strange habits. We siblings are convinced it's OCD of some sort. (My mother is a saint.) I compare my dad to boyfriend. Dad forces his habits on everyone. We were like the Aadams Family, growing up. On the other hand, my boyfriend doesn't. He withdraws rather than forcing himself on others. If I had to choose I'd pick my boyfriend's situation. He doesn't impose on others.

* Yeah..you're right about kids. We need to resolve it. He describes SA as such a terrible, terrible problem and he would never, ever want to pass it along to anyone. It's like knowingly passing an incurable disease onto someone. If we could get a guarantee his children wouldn't have SA, he would be more agreeable to having children. I think his hesitation is more about potential guilt.

He has suffered so much because of SA. He refuses to give biology a chance to pass it forward. I don't know if I can talk him into kids...

Sandy
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