Anxiety and confusion at an all time high

I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe I need to just vent, or perhaps reassurance...I dunno.

A little background info: I had an awesome childhood...until the age of 10, that's when my mother died. When she died my father became an alcoholic and he literally ignored me. He would barely talk to me, I guess it hurt him too much because I look too much like my mother. He never did anything with me. Never bought me clothes - not for the lack of money (I had to go to free clothes center with my social worker from school). Basically he neglected me. He never sought help or therapy. So I grew up at first lost and confused, then angry and resentful. I hated my father when I was growing up.

I have two older siblings who are pretty much losers; alcoholics, in and out of prison for a variety of reasons. In fact, much of the time I was growing up I never saw my oldest brother because he was in prison all that time.

So I sort of started mending fences with my dad when I got a little older. I still didn't have much to do with him but at least we were talking. I would see him perhaps 2-3 times a year - mostly on holidays. And during the holidays I would pick up my brothers so they could spend time with our father - they both don't have licenses due to multiple DUI's.

Just recently (about a year) me and my daughter have been going over to his and my Gma's (they live together) house to clean so I've been seeing him more. I basically go there for my Gma and not him. She's 90 and she can't do things like she used to. She's a major sweetheart and I love her to bits!

Now my father's health is failing. He still smokes, he still drinks, he's a hoarder, but yet he has been in out of the hospital due to atrial fibrillation. Except this time he was admitted to the hospital 2 days before Thanksgiving due to pneumonia. I just found out today from my Gma that he's still in the hospital but he is being transferred to another hospital for surgery because they found lesions in his trachea. I guessing cancer but I don't know for sure.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to get it as that I am so darned frustrated! I am so sick and tired of being the good daughter. Of being the "white sheep" of the family. How can someone love their father and hate them at the same time??? Why am I the one to get shouldered with all the responsibility??? I'm the youngest sibling but yet I have to act as the oldest. I already had to take in my other Gma, to be her caretaker for 5 years because she was legally blind, almost deaf, developed cancer, then Alzheimers, then she eventually passed away. (I loved her to pieces, don't get me wrong!).

My anxiety is at an all time high and feel like pulling my hair out and screaming!

Sorry this is so long but it's been a long time since I have been able to put it all out there. If anyone can understand, it's you guys.

Thanks SC. My oldest brother is just now trying to get his life together. He's big into the church and has been trying to stay away from alcohol, which is daily struggle for him. I've been talking to him more but I still keep my distance from him because I still resent him and I'm disgusted with him because he sexually abused when I was little. But he's been in contact with our father more after my insistence, but there is not much he can do since we live about 60 miles from my father and my brother doesn't have a license. So I feel the burden even more.

I have a HIGHLY dysfunctional family so I feel grateful I made it out with my sanity in check, even though I deal with anxiety now. I have a great support system at home and that helps tremendously but they don't understand.

My dad is a recluse. He has no friends, he doesn't go to church, he barely leaves the house. If he does its to the liquor store. My Gma doesn't go to church anymore and she doesn't really have friends either. My uncles have been going over there to tend to her welfare but they washed their hands of my father.

I just feel so alone in this. Half of me just wants to walk away from all this but my conscience won't let me.

Aww thanks SC, you're such a sweetheart :) But to be honest, I owe my strength and courage to my husband. He dragged me from the depths of depression many years ago and has helped me be the person I am today. Without him, I may very well of been one of those hopeless individuals. I'm still a work in progress tho (obviously or I wouldn't have posted! lol).

Thanks JPE for responding and letting me know I'm not alone in this. My psychologist taught me CBT and I try to implement it most of the time but sometimes the ole anxiety still rears up and bites me in the tush!