HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

How not to be controlled by others?

Support Forums
>
Anxiety & Panic Disorders
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 12/1/2012 4:43 PM (GMT 0)

How many of you can actually 'ignore' or 'forgive and forget' what others have said/done to you in the past? And how do you actually move forward after a person's behavior, actions and words have left a deep emotional scar in you? And what if you have to see that person often and cannot avoid her/him? Would appreciate it if you could share some survival skills.

Posted 12/1/2012 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
Personally I can forgive quite a bit but I never forget. Though the saying , time heals all wounds, maybe trite unfortunately it is true. As for as seeing them keep in mind what they did. That doesn't mean dwell on it but remember how they hurt you. Forgiving them doesn't mean you have to let them keep doing the same thing over and over. I am not sure this is very helpful but it has worked for me. Dave
Posted 12/1/2012 10:42 PM (GMT 0)
Dave brings up a really good point...forgiving someone does not mean that you are excusing their bad behavior...what it really means is that you are choosing an act of grace that allows both parties to heal and move forward in the relationship (if it is still intact) and in life.

In fact you don't even need to consider the forgiveness for the other person(s)...many times it is for your own benefit! One should not live with bitterness and resentment. Sometimes the people we need to forgive don't deserve it...or even want it, so it is in those times that the act is actually just for our own healing and progress.

Easier said than done though, right? Forgiveness may be one of the hardest things that we have to ever do. Maybe that is why there are so many books written on the subject! You many want to check these out:

http://www.amazon.com/Ten-Best-Books-Forgiveness/lm/R3LUK54E9MMI85

All the best,

S.C.

Posted 12/2/2012 9:21 AM (GMT 0)
Dave, thanks for your input. I think the problem is that I have to see this person often...a family member. If I was living in a different city, it would not affect me so much. I don't think I can ever forgive and forget what this person did to me and the rest of the family.
Posted 12/2/2012 10:27 AM (GMT 0)
SC, thank you for the advice and the link to the books. Yes, it's easier said than done. Like I wrote to Dave, it's even more difficult because it my own family.
Posted 12/4/2012 8:49 AM (GMT 0)
Melodee,

The easiest thing that helped me was to understand that each person is their own. My great grandfather was an abusive alcoholic, so my grandfather never touched alcohol. My grandmother is a religious fanatic, so my father is an atheist.. Family is an interconnected web... But individuals make their own choices. You can't be burdened by that, family or not. The best you can do is help those you love. And make the world around you a better place.

In my opinion,
Ethan
Posted 12/4/2012 10:49 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Ethan. Unfortunately, there are times when we cannot make our own choices in life....and fate will decide which way our life goes. We don't have control over everything we do in life...and even after we think we made the right choices, the results may be different from what we had expected.
Posted 12/4/2012 11:07 AM (GMT 0)
I am sorry, not trying to be offensive.. but we have control over everything we do in life. we may not have control in the way we react, but we do have control over our actions, I believe. If I didn't believe that, I would've given up long ago. I have to believe that in order to believe I can make the world a better place. Yes, there are things that happen to us out of our control. I know this on a physical level.. But you always have control over your existence. Any thought otherwise is just untrue, in my opinion. And every choice is only a chance to learn and grow as a person. Sorry if I offended you.
Posted 12/4/2012 12:37 PM (GMT 0)
Ethan, you have not offended me. ;)

I think you misunderstood.

My cousin dying from leukemia at the age of 15 was not her own choice. Her parents and family doing their best to save her was their choice. But unfortunately, no one had control over her fate.

There are many things in life we cannot control. Some of our actions are also a result of interacting with other people. No one on this earth can exist alone. We exist because of others. One person's choice may affect another person's life. Life is a lot more complicated than you think. JMHO. ;)
Posted 12/4/2012 1:41 PM (GMT 0)
by somebody saying something and you reacting, they are controlling you like a puppet whether either one of you realizes it or not. the sooner you realize this and stop letting people control you, the better off you will be. i hope you understand this and don't take it the wrong way.

said differently, suppose ten people are lined up and somebody flips them off with the finger or says something really nasty to them. a couple people will be mad enough to kill him. a couple people will start saying things back. a couple people will roll their eyes, maybe say thank you and walk away. a couple people will get emotional and cry. and a couple people will completely ignore him as if he didn't even exist. the problem here is not that the person said it, the problem is how each person reacted and was controlled or not. don't be controlled. teach yourself to control yourself and not let others do it. nobody can control or get to me. i will look right past them as if they don't even exist. if i don't like somebody they will be talking to the wall because i won't even recognize them as a human being. be strong. for yourself. take control back.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply