HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Two minutes, just two minutes talking to my mom are enough

Support Forums
>
Anxiety & Panic Disorders
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 12/15/2012 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
Today I texted my sister because I wanted to ask something about a saucepan my mom gave me to cook, then she, my mom, called me, she asked how I was and blah blah... Everything was fine, but I don't know if it's me or my mom who still doesn't understand that it bothers me that's she wants to know every single thing of anything...

First, she asked what I was cooking, I said 'something with vegetables, and how is my sister?', -yes, but what with vegetables? -just vegetables mom, -but how? with chicken, meat?- chicken -Ah ok good. She was insisting so muchabout the stupid vegetables, like how important is that? it just frustrates me. Then, she asked me when I was going to go back home, I said: I'm not sure, maybe on Friday. She said: but everyone is leaving on Wednesday -yes, btu I have to do some things, so I'm not sure... Here's the best part? -What things are you going to do to not be able to come on wednesday? -Things mom, I'm busy. -Busy with what? Why don't you tell me? I'm going to mortify if you don't tell me, if you told me, I would be more comfortable... -I'm like mom, things, just things, go to some places and that's it. And here is where I felt the way she always made me feel, like how important things can I do? Like how important can be that? Like it's just nonsense. "What things are you going to do?, what is that you have to do? -Mom, stop asking. -Why don't you tell me? how insolent." I just hugn up.

I hate that she still use that victimization system to get everything she wants, I hate that she doesn't respect me as a person and doesn't understand that yes, whatever I have to to, it's important for me and she doesn't have to object it. Why she just didn't say 'ok then when you are free we are going to be waiting for you' or something like that? why does she still think I owe her explanations of all kind and why doesn't respect me, or my things or my time. So everyone is leaving on wednesday, so should I because there's nothing important I could do to stay here.

Maybe ther's nothing wrong with telling her the things I do, no, but we are not friends, everytime I say something she says it's either not important or ridiculous or she starts to tell me what I should do because she thinks she has the authority to do it. I try to have a good relatinship like two adult people, but I can't. She still doesn't understand that there's a line, that I want it to be a line between her and me.I just want to have a normal, formal, kind relatiopnship with her, not friends, not like she's my boss and I have to tell her everything that's on my mind because I can't, I don't want to and she's just not that empathic person, why would I want to tell her everything?

Now, that I made her feel so bad because I'm so abusive and she's so kind and nice, she's going to tell my dad, I don't want him to think the same way about me. I'm not worried about my mom anymore, she's the way she is, and I'm not expecting her to change, I just want her to moderate? a littel bit. But I don't want my dad to think I'm disrespectful. I was not, I was trying to have a conversation but she wants to know every single thing, and then judge it, minimize it, like it's not important at all, something ridiculous, and then tell me what I have to do.

I want to be in therapy because these things hurt me so much all my life and she keeps repeating them like there's nothing wrong, how smart does she need to be to know that I need my space and that I'm actually trying to have a life and she has to respect that? Why doesn't she realizes it, why is she always thinking about how mean I am and how good she is?

Agh, I wanted to be quiet today.

Post Edited (GreekGoddess) : 12/15/2012 3:54:47 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/15/2012 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
To keep the problem in perspective, most people would give everything they own just to be able to speak with their parents and loved ones that are no longer living. Feel blessed that your mom is still alive and you still have the privilege of speaking with her. Treat every conversation as if it were the last one you will have, because one day it will be, and after that it will be too late. Hug your loved ones every chance you get and tell them you love them because it may be the last time you can. The older you and they get, the more you will understand this. not sayin', just sayin'.
Posted 12/16/2012 1:50 AM (GMT 0)
G.G.

This is just a theory, and I could be way off...but I think it sounds as if your mom knows that mistakes were made in the way that she acted during your upbringing...and this is her attempt a making conversation/reaching out/bridging the gap...

Yes it seems intrusive and unwelcome, but I wonder if she has good intentions in there under the annoying behavior?

Again, I am outside of the situation...just going on what you have previously mentioned about things in the past, but that is my guess as to what is going on.

You can do with it what you will...only you can decide if you want to accept the 'olive branch', or just limit your exposure with her...it is totally your call:)

S.C.
Posted 12/16/2012 8:35 AM (GMT 0)
GG,

I don't know if this helps or not but my second and third sons of four sons expressed a similar need for distance to just grow a little on their own. Sometimes a parent's interest and advice can feel like judgements even if we don't mean it that way. At first it hurt to know they thought I was judging them, but then I remembered that I felt the same way in my 20's. Oddly, after I gave them their space for a couple of years, they were the ones who kept calling and initiating friendly conversations. I love them unconditionally but sometimes that message did not get through.

I think your emotional needs about this are pretty normal and logical. I do not know how you can tell her this without making her feel defensive. No matter how judgmental she sounds, she probably cannot process the fact that she is hurting you and thinks what she is doing is showing you love. Can you do some role playing with your counselor on how to broach this subject constructively? If that doesn't work, you may just have to change the way you react.

I solved it with my mum by deciding that her judgements were her problems. No matter how many times I tried to get her to understand how she sounded to me, she could not understand it. She could voice judgements all she wanted but I could choose not to be stressed out by it and not to react. She still voices judgments but it no longer bothers me. It is just part of her package and I look beyond it to appreciate the other things about her that I really like.

As for your dad, be honest and tell him what you feel. You are having a rough time with your mother right now and need a little distance but it doesn't mean you have stopped loving her. You may want to apologize for hanging up. Taking the higher road gives you more control of the situation in the long run.

I recently went to a family reunion dreading how I was going to feel. Instead of being stressed out, I had a great time. I let any criticisms just roll away. I am who I am and I will change over time but, hopefully, those changes will be my choice. There is a great song I like about this called "I choose" by India Arie and Bonnie Raitt. It is an R&B song. I have been trying to rewrite it to an alternative rock beat. The message is worth translating.

You are not alone. Things will eventually work out for the better. All the best,
Szm
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply