bad decisions

So i decided to go to the bar tonight. I found out this was not as good of a decision as i thought.

First I watched a movie with my best friend. This wasn't to hard since i just had to watch the movie and make a comment now and then. The thoughest part of my evening was going to the pub.

As i mentioned in an earlier post i decided to put drinking aside for now. I have this saying in my mind that says "don't drink to feel better, drink to feel even better". But i was kind off obligated to go to the bar today, just because we had made an oppointment to discuss our gathering on new year's eve. As i got in to the bar my anxious mind kicked back in. I felt like not talking to anyone so i tried to go into as less conversations as possible. But ofcourse that did not help my situation at all.

I don't think i need to go into further detail because we all know i failed at not drinking tonight... The thing bothering me the most is that i lied to my best friend. She is one of the few who knows what i'm going through and she asked me to let her know when i'm "in that zone". But i straight up lied to her face not wanting to ruin her evening.

I don't know if i made the right desicion but it seemed the best way out. No confrontation no anything. But i keep thinking what will happen if i keep being dishonest. Will this be a pattern for the rest of my life? Because if so people are going to have a rough time trusting me. Also i'm thinking about ditching the bar, seeing as when i go there i just feel alienated from my friends. This is not really an option because i only see my friends in the bar. It's like my mind is telling me to leave everybody and try to figure this out on my own.

I know this is not the best solution. But if i keep going to the bar i'm going to end up with everyone leaving me. At least this is how i feel.

I guess it's time for bed

Good night guys & thanks for being there

Bless